What I'm supposed to do...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bluewisp, May 28, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Bluewisp

    Bluewisp New Member

    Hi.

    I'm new here. It's probably the only place where I've still a reason to be.

    I've always felt like a stranger in this world, even with my family. I've an avoidant and dependant personality. Create and maintain contacts is something that never been natural to me. I've been bullied at school to the point that I cried to not go to school and to think about suicide. I've being rejected by society and being the black sheep in my family.

    I've had severe anxiety problems, mixed with depression. I'm on antidepressants since 17 years old, and this day I isolated myself from this chaotic physical world. My only friends were on the net. I screwed up several years of my life, staying at home like this, scared to start any activity. At 25 I was back to school, and tried to do college. This time, others were ok with me. But I started to have huge anxiety problems again until even to go buy some milk was almost impossible.

    Now I'm 29. I'm living with a new friend, older than me, with depression problems. We have met during a therapy. But still, I feel like all my life until now was just a joke. My fault or not, my life was and is empty. No friends, no girlfriends, and unable to finish college. I have no social skills. And I don't see why a girl would like to take me, with everything I am. I bring only problems and sadness to people in my life. I prayed a lot to have a clue, what is the purpose of this stupid life I have, if at least, AT LEAST I could have a girlfriend before every girls around have kids...What I'm supposed to do? What's the meaning of all this shit? If only god could say to me that I've a mission, a goal, that I will be happy one day, I would say okay, I will continue and have hope. But if god exists, he doesn't care about me. When I cry during the night, I'm completely alone and there is no clue, no miracle, all I have is silence. If my happyness depends on me, I'm lost. With no social skills, with the constant fear of humiliation, of rejection, I can't build new friendships. Anxiety is driving my life. I feel fake, unable, and so alone. If there is a hell, it's on earth, no doubt. See others having fun, friends together, love...all those things that I can't have, their happyness is like nails in my heart. Their happyness is too hard to handle. I hate people, and all their complicated society. I feel like if to be happy is something denied to me. And there is no pills that would repair my past or give me the power to change my life in a significative way. I would like so much to return to the old times and act in a different way...I've missed the train. I feel like it's too late. How could I want an adult life when I missed my teen years? I want love...but I've no real experience with girls, and like I said, no social skills really. I feel I have a lot of love to give, but I'm alone. And I see my old enemies with a great built life, with so many friends and girlfriends, with a story to tell. Why those stupid heartless and cruel people get everything you may dream of, and me, with empty hands, with nothing to tell, with no story, just like a stupid black deep hole. I've not being evil, I can't hurt others willingly. I'm a good person damit! Why my life has to be so empty? Why is everything so difficult? They say, go outside, it will be good for you. Yeah right I do outside and I see couples, friends together, and I'm walking through them like a ghost, watching all this happyness around me, the thing I can't have. And even if I go somewhere and that I'm alone, it's not better, I feel alone! My life is a waste and I don't know what to do with it. I feel like it's too late. I failed. You can't re-live your 20's years a second time, and same thing with your teen years. I don't know what else to say. And I fear that nothing will change. Even if I get a bit better with social interactions, it's too slow. I don't want to live in 20 years later, I want a life right now. I missed too much things. I can't change so fast, supposing I know how...I need to force myself to eat something now. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am sorry you feel so lost You are looking to far ahead hun. What are you suppose to do You take each day and you get through it the best way you can. You do something kind for YOU each day okay because you deserve that kindness You try to get out amongs people even if it is just going for a coffee or shopping You do the best you can that is all one can do and be proud of what you have done. hugs to you
     
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hi Bluewisp, I know from experience that comparing yourself to others is a bottomless pit to journey through; likewise, focusing on past failures greatly stunts our ability to try and go out and achieve happiness. Given the health conditions, these difficulties are magnified & seem insurmountable. Do you know of any group activities or volunteer work you may get involved in where you could talk to some new faces? Strike up an interesting conversation? Get to know somebody better? I know it's hard without confidence, but the best way to learn is by doing. Try to just do one thing first. Whatever is easiest and most comfortable in your mind, once you've identified that task. I think if you give it a go you might surprise yourself, and, what have you got to lose? Go for it! Truly, MisterBGone
     
  4. Bluewisp

    Bluewisp New Member

    Thank you for your words. Even if we should not compare to others, we do. You can't just close your eyes. I've seen...so much of my very old comrades from elementary school...and some from high school, on facebook, with a large social network, friends, a lover, even a family, even kids, even some with their own house...while on my side, I feel like a stupid teenager starting to learn how to take care of myself and how to survive without my parents, even if I'm already 29. I'm not mentally retarded, I just avoided and hidden too much in life. I'm a million miles away from all of them. How I could just close my eyes and do like it doesn't matter? They are all people of my time, my era. They followed a way, they are far on the road while I'm still shaking to take the next train. I can't live without thinking about them. I'm so nothing beside them. I'm not negative, I'm realist, I'm a failure. Of course I would prefer to be at their side and I don't want to die. But as I try to get closer to them, by learning how life works and fighting my fears, they still continue to learn and I will never be able to be back on their road. I'm like a lost soul, I'm too late for them. Seriously, I don't see how I can save this life. Or I should say, I don't see a way to have the life I want. I would like to be with them, with people of my age, people that were around me during my childhood. It's like this it works usually, no? Few people choose to go somewhere far away and forget about the past, people in it included. Anyway, you know it's a feeling, what I want. I can't just ignore it. I can't find a way to become happy, because I can't get what I want. You can't return back to old times, to do what you missed. You can't repair anything. I'm miles away to have a house or kids. Jesus, miles away! And it's not what I want right now! I've things to live without this! But people around me already done it, so how could I do what I want with them? I see life like random things, but there are big steps that everyone cross. And usually, people of the same age cross the same step at approximately the same time. This way they can continue to be together, to talk about similar stuff because they live in a similar way. I would have nothing to say to someone of my age. What can I say? I've nothing in common. I've a poor past, no experience, I've an empty life since too long. It's not true that you can go forward at your own speed without consequences. I'm a living proof myself that if you miss too much occasions, you are far behind and you realize that your life doesn't fit with anybody. So even if I would have social skills, I would be seen like someone different. You know, the way it hurts. My only friends (living far away) already see me like that. My family too. And I don't even talk about college. I was like 10 years older than everyone there. All this is from my mistakes, and some from my nature to avoid and worry too much about everything, if you wonder why I'm in this position. My health condition always ruled my life, I've been too weak to control my body (well to control at least what I can control) and to get the courage to dive in life. The good new is that you can change, yes. But we live in a changing society, nobody never wait for you. And it goes very fast. What others claim usually? They want to be like others around. I know I know, we are all different. But look around, we do a lot of identical things, like learning to cook, learning how to get a job...And you know like me the feeling when you are not up to date with this stuff, at an age that you should. You feel like crap. I suppose I should just accept it? I can't do this. I know that blind people learn to accept their condition, others without legs do it too...But I just can't accept what I've done, what happened, and just try to be happy. I'm living like with a huge hole in my soul. I feel de-phased with others reality. I can't fit with any age. And I hate me to have helped to create this state. I hate others to be so complicated, I envy everyone's life. I'm in an appartment with a friend, in the 40s while I'm 29. I like her, she's of course a source of happyness in all this non sense life. But it is so abnormal that I wish to be with people of my age? That I would like to know real love without kids for at least one time during my 20s? I live like if nothing is fun as it should be. Probably because I can't have the life I want. I focus on this all the time and so I feel neutral of depressive. I feel weak whatever I decide to try. Sometimes I wonder if I should just try my best like you say, and trust life to bring me good things. But I really wonder if life is trustable, or if every happy moments depend on us. Because if it's the case, it means that we must build every moment. And to do it you need some skills, like social skills. I waited a long time for life to bring me some miracle. I guess everything depend on us. I don't believe in stuff like "nothing happen for no reason". Even if it's true, in my case, the price to pay is too much. What could justify to waste the best moments of your life? Your youth? I'm going to stop right here, I need to sleep. Thanks for reading and all your thoughts are welcome.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.