Hi. I'm new here. It's probably the only place where I've still a reason to be. I've always felt like a stranger in this world, even with my family. I've an avoidant and dependant personality. Create and maintain contacts is something that never been natural to me. I've been bullied at school to the point that I cried to not go to school and to think about suicide. I've being rejected by society and being the black sheep in my family. I've had severe anxiety problems, mixed with depression. I'm on antidepressants since 17 years old, and this day I isolated myself from this chaotic physical world. My only friends were on the net. I screwed up several years of my life, staying at home like this, scared to start any activity. At 25 I was back to school, and tried to do college. This time, others were ok with me. But I started to have huge anxiety problems again until even to go buy some milk was almost impossible. Now I'm 29. I'm living with a new friend, older than me, with depression problems. We have met during a therapy. But still, I feel like all my life until now was just a joke. My fault or not, my life was and is empty. No friends, no girlfriends, and unable to finish college. I have no social skills. And I don't see why a girl would like to take me, with everything I am. I bring only problems and sadness to people in my life. I prayed a lot to have a clue, what is the purpose of this stupid life I have, if at least, AT LEAST I could have a girlfriend before every girls around have kids...What I'm supposed to do? What's the meaning of all this shit? If only god could say to me that I've a mission, a goal, that I will be happy one day, I would say okay, I will continue and have hope. But if god exists, he doesn't care about me. When I cry during the night, I'm completely alone and there is no clue, no miracle, all I have is silence. If my happyness depends on me, I'm lost. With no social skills, with the constant fear of humiliation, of rejection, I can't build new friendships. Anxiety is driving my life. I feel fake, unable, and so alone. If there is a hell, it's on earth, no doubt. See others having fun, friends together, love...all those things that I can't have, their happyness is like nails in my heart. Their happyness is too hard to handle. I hate people, and all their complicated society. I feel like if to be happy is something denied to me. And there is no pills that would repair my past or give me the power to change my life in a significative way. I would like so much to return to the old times and act in a different way...I've missed the train. I feel like it's too late. How could I want an adult life when I missed my teen years? I want love...but I've no real experience with girls, and like I said, no social skills really. I feel I have a lot of love to give, but I'm alone. And I see my old enemies with a great built life, with so many friends and girlfriends, with a story to tell. Why those stupid heartless and cruel people get everything you may dream of, and me, with empty hands, with nothing to tell, with no story, just like a stupid black deep hole. I've not being evil, I can't hurt others willingly. I'm a good person damit! Why my life has to be so empty? Why is everything so difficult? They say, go outside, it will be good for you. Yeah right I do outside and I see couples, friends together, and I'm walking through them like a ghost, watching all this happyness around me, the thing I can't have. And even if I go somewhere and that I'm alone, it's not better, I feel alone! My life is a waste and I don't know what to do with it. I feel like it's too late. I failed. You can't re-live your 20's years a second time, and same thing with your teen years. I don't know what else to say. And I fear that nothing will change. Even if I get a bit better with social interactions, it's too slow. I don't want to live in 20 years later, I want a life right now. I missed too much things. I can't change so fast, supposing I know how...I need to force myself to eat something now. Thanks for reading.