What in the world is going on...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by DevilAngel, Oct 12, 2006.

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  1. DevilAngel

    DevilAngel Guest

    Well where to begin.

    Ive been here many times before, but about 3/4 months ago, i vanished because of 2 reasons.

    1. Because 2 of my friends found my posts :O
    2. Because i thought i was ready to give life another ago.

    I am 20 years old, and live in England, UK. I dont ever think of myself as English, but as British.

    Well, 2 months ago, i was arrested for trying to drown myself in the sea. I got off an charge, because i lied. I lie about most things, but over the past 3/4 months i have changed. I have become more confident, more outgoing. But is this for the better. When i posted before, i posted about the past, why i was so angry and alone. But now, i feel i am ready, to share what really goes on in my head. I also posted that i was suffering from suicidal depression, and still am.

    There is a reason i chosen the name DevilAngel. You see, i have 2 voices in my head. There is me, the scared, alone & unconfident Angel. The person that would never lay a finger on another soul. And the voice. The dreaded voice i have had to put up with for over 10 years. The violent one. The one that pushes me, and pushes me to my limit. The one that thinks all the bad thoughts. Is this insanity i ask myself? Have i truly lost my mind? I have been talking to myself for over 10 years now. Over the past 2 years, i have begun talking out loud to myself, without realising it. People would say things like "huh?" or "what?" and i would once again have to lie. About 80% of the things i say to people every day are lies. I have also become extremely paranoid, such as turning round constantly as i feel people are watching me. I also sleep with the light on. Strangely though, i head out to the woods late at night (11pm to 1am) and walk around. Or sit on a bench in the pitch black.

    I do have another, unsual worry. I cannot touch a girl. A woman. Any female. All i see in my hands, is corruption. Im so afraid to be touched by a girl, or to touch one, because im afraid of ruining her. Hurting her. All i can see is pain, deapair, misery. I have never had a girlfriend, or had a female as a friend. Maybe this is why, i dont know. I do not despise or dislike women. I find the female body to be the most incredible thing i have ever seen. It is elegant and beautiful, and i hate how it is abused, and put on for show.

    Now apart from the insanity & and the depressions, is another major problem in my life right now. My health. Sometimes, no matter whether im sitting or standing, i will suddenly see stars. This has happened about 20 times in the past 3 months. I had at first figured that it cant have happened. I mean, surely that only happens in the cartoons? Unfortunately it was real. And it continues to happen. My other problem, is walking along and suddenly feeling dizzy, dis orientated, not sure where i am or what im doing. I usually walk around, or lean on something till i regain control of myself. Other health issues concern my teeth, which regularly have begun falling apart. Just like half a tooth breaking off. There are also my ankles, whereby sometimes when i walk, i feel clicks in my feet. It feels like my bones are rubbing against each other. The pain is extreme, but i carry on walking. My whole body has begun to click too, but not like my ankles. I feel like my body is beyond repair.

    My current status is that i live at home with my parents, whom i hate very much due to past events. I regularly swear at them, and i especially hate my dad. He is very strict and controlling. Even though im 20, he still thinks i have to do everything he says. He even laughs as though he enjoys it. It makes me sick. I started college in september, and im already struggling. I have 30+ hrs a week at home study, and i use 0 hrs because of the problems at home. I feel like im a prisoner in my own home.

    I am once again on the brink of despair. 2 social workers, a doctor, and 2 psychiatrists thought they had cracked me when i told them that the reason i had tried to kill myself was because i was lonely. When in fact as you saw above, that was just one of many, many reasons.

    I am glad to have got this of my chest, and hope you can offer me some advice on what to do next. I do hate saying this, but my time is running out. When i break down for the 3rd and final time, i wont be fighting back. I will destroy myself, and most likely my parents with me.

    P.S. I have just typed this off the top of my head, so have most likely missed a lot of stuff out, but maybe from this post, you can realise just how unreal things are right now for me.

    Thankyou for your time, and i look foward to your replies.

    "An Angel fighting the Devil within it."
  2. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Well, I am glad you are okay. If you ever need to come back you can always change your name. Also, if you ever need to talk you can message me on msn.... painNsiolence@hotmail.com .

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. DevilAngel

    DevilAngel Guest

    Thx, i have added you.

    Yesterday at college, a staff member was in our clan telling us about the anti bullying policy, and how people had either been killed or had killed themselves because of bullying.

    There was also a long list of people that had died, and how they died.

    Not only has this given me some ideas how, but i also know how easy it is now.

    I am considering ending my life now, because i feel that gaining confidence, is only going to make things worse.

    ~ DevilAngel ~
  4. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    If you can gain confidence you will be able to move forward more, you will be able to put the past more behind you and find more things in happiness, sorry i dont have time to say more, please add me on msn happygurl_26@msn.com take care! Ally x
  5. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    hey there...

    i really think you should come clean with your doctors... some of what you have mentioned ... ARE symptoms of specific illnesses ... and if all your doctors know ALL THE ISSUES... they may really be able to help you heal .. and deal... please think of it
  6. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    I can understand how you feel. I feel similar to you. I dont know what you should do to be honest. Im taking meds but they arent helping yet. Send me a email please zohmygob@gmail.com
  7. DevilAngel

    DevilAngel Guest

    Why come clean? What is the point. I dont see one anymore. Im so lonely, and thats not gonna go away for ages, and i dont wanna wait that long. Im so tired now. Tired of everything. :(

    P.S. I added you Ally. And ok zohmygob i will.
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun the symptoms you are describing could be a physical illness, you really need to tell your doctor the symptoms, as treatment will irradicate most if not all of them.

    i'm not saying it's all down to a physical problem, but dizzyness, seeing stars and joint pain are symptomatic of a specific illness; as if mood swings, hearing voices etc.

    Please do tell your doctor just to eliminate the possibility that it's a physical problem.
  9. DevilAngel

    DevilAngel Guest

    Oh, im sure that most of these symptoms are a physical illness. Very sure. No exercise for 3 years, hardly eating/drinking, staring at computer screens for hours on end, its left me pretty worse for wear.

    In fact, i kind of feel as though my body is dying. Maybe it is, but if it is, i wish it would hurry up :/

    ~ DevilAngel ~
  10. AngelDevil

    AngelDevil Guest

    Hello everyone,

    Thankyou for your kind words, but i have finally made a decision.

    I have been speaking to painNsiolence on msn, and she has helped me to explain the most vital reason i am going to end it all.

    Here is what i told her.

    "You must understand. I have never felt so... confident, so... good about myself. No, thats not it. What im feeling right now, i cant really explain, its sort of knowing that soon i will be free. Soon i wont have to worry about me, him, or anyone else. Free. Its a good feeling. And he is scared. Scared that im going to take him out too. That is what will drive me to the end. Him. Kind of ironic. He is trying to destroy me, and in doing so, will result in his own demise."

    I dont think i have multiple personality disorder, because we dont take it in turns. He is always there. Talking to me. Moaning at me. Telling me what to do. Forcing me to do things. That is why i tried the first time. He is evil. He tried to make me ... kill. I have to stop him now.

    This must end.

    I know im losing control now, and he knows it too. I am feeling so at peace with myself right now. He is screaming at me ha! Its actually quite hilarious. He is so scared, and this makes me happy. He is going to die. I am going to die. But think of the people i am going to save.

    I have already arranged a date, and its not too long away now.

    I have laso reversed my name too. I know it will p*ss him off.

    ~ AngelDevil ~
  11. AngelDevil

    AngelDevil Guest

    Hi all,

    I thought i'd let ya know that this is the last post i make here. My parents are removing the final 2 phonelines (removed 1 last year) from the house so that i cannot access the net. It looks like i couldnt have chosen a better time to end it all.

    I probably wont be able to view any replies here either, although from the looks of things people arent replying to this topic anyway.

    Thx again for all the hope & i hope that your lives work out for you.

  12. AngelDevil

    AngelDevil Guest

  13. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    cant you use internet cafes and the library to acess the web?
  14. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Yeah, that's kind of what I was wondering.......? :hug:
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