D
Well where to begin.
Ive been here many times before, but about 3/4 months ago, i vanished because of 2 reasons.
1. Because 2 of my friends found my posts :O
2. Because i thought i was ready to give life another ago.
I am 20 years old, and live in England, UK. I dont ever think of myself as English, but as British.
Well, 2 months ago, i was arrested for trying to drown myself in the sea. I got off an charge, because i lied. I lie about most things, but over the past 3/4 months i have changed. I have become more confident, more outgoing. But is this for the better. When i posted before, i posted about the past, why i was so angry and alone. But now, i feel i am ready, to share what really goes on in my head. I also posted that i was suffering from suicidal depression, and still am.
There is a reason i chosen the name DevilAngel. You see, i have 2 voices in my head. There is me, the scared, alone & unconfident Angel. The person that would never lay a finger on another soul. And the voice. The dreaded voice i have had to put up with for over 10 years. The violent one. The one that pushes me, and pushes me to my limit. The one that thinks all the bad thoughts. Is this insanity i ask myself? Have i truly lost my mind? I have been talking to myself for over 10 years now. Over the past 2 years, i have begun talking out loud to myself, without realising it. People would say things like "huh?" or "what?" and i would once again have to lie. About 80% of the things i say to people every day are lies. I have also become extremely paranoid, such as turning round constantly as i feel people are watching me. I also sleep with the light on. Strangely though, i head out to the woods late at night (11pm to 1am) and walk around. Or sit on a bench in the pitch black.
I do have another, unsual worry. I cannot touch a girl. A woman. Any female. All i see in my hands, is corruption. Im so afraid to be touched by a girl, or to touch one, because im afraid of ruining her. Hurting her. All i can see is pain, deapair, misery. I have never had a girlfriend, or had a female as a friend. Maybe this is why, i dont know. I do not despise or dislike women. I find the female body to be the most incredible thing i have ever seen. It is elegant and beautiful, and i hate how it is abused, and put on for show.
Now apart from the insanity & and the depressions, is another major problem in my life right now. My health. Sometimes, no matter whether im sitting or standing, i will suddenly see stars. This has happened about 20 times in the past 3 months. I had at first figured that it cant have happened. I mean, surely that only happens in the cartoons? Unfortunately it was real. And it continues to happen. My other problem, is walking along and suddenly feeling dizzy, dis orientated, not sure where i am or what im doing. I usually walk around, or lean on something till i regain control of myself. Other health issues concern my teeth, which regularly have begun falling apart. Just like half a tooth breaking off. There are also my ankles, whereby sometimes when i walk, i feel clicks in my feet. It feels like my bones are rubbing against each other. The pain is extreme, but i carry on walking. My whole body has begun to click too, but not like my ankles. I feel like my body is beyond repair.
My current status is that i live at home with my parents, whom i hate very much due to past events. I regularly swear at them, and i especially hate my dad. He is very strict and controlling. Even though im 20, he still thinks i have to do everything he says. He even laughs as though he enjoys it. It makes me sick. I started college in september, and im already struggling. I have 30+ hrs a week at home study, and i use 0 hrs because of the problems at home. I feel like im a prisoner in my own home.
I am once again on the brink of despair. 2 social workers, a doctor, and 2 psychiatrists thought they had cracked me when i told them that the reason i had tried to kill myself was because i was lonely. When in fact as you saw above, that was just one of many, many reasons.
I am glad to have got this of my chest, and hope you can offer me some advice on what to do next. I do hate saying this, but my time is running out. When i break down for the 3rd and final time, i wont be fighting back. I will destroy myself, and most likely my parents with me.
P.S. I have just typed this off the top of my head, so have most likely missed a lot of stuff out, but maybe from this post, you can realise just how unreal things are right now for me.
Thankyou for your time, and i look foward to your replies.
DevilAngel
"An Angel fighting the Devil within it."
Ive been here many times before, but about 3/4 months ago, i vanished because of 2 reasons.
1. Because 2 of my friends found my posts :O
2. Because i thought i was ready to give life another ago.
I am 20 years old, and live in England, UK. I dont ever think of myself as English, but as British.
Well, 2 months ago, i was arrested for trying to drown myself in the sea. I got off an charge, because i lied. I lie about most things, but over the past 3/4 months i have changed. I have become more confident, more outgoing. But is this for the better. When i posted before, i posted about the past, why i was so angry and alone. But now, i feel i am ready, to share what really goes on in my head. I also posted that i was suffering from suicidal depression, and still am.
There is a reason i chosen the name DevilAngel. You see, i have 2 voices in my head. There is me, the scared, alone & unconfident Angel. The person that would never lay a finger on another soul. And the voice. The dreaded voice i have had to put up with for over 10 years. The violent one. The one that pushes me, and pushes me to my limit. The one that thinks all the bad thoughts. Is this insanity i ask myself? Have i truly lost my mind? I have been talking to myself for over 10 years now. Over the past 2 years, i have begun talking out loud to myself, without realising it. People would say things like "huh?" or "what?" and i would once again have to lie. About 80% of the things i say to people every day are lies. I have also become extremely paranoid, such as turning round constantly as i feel people are watching me. I also sleep with the light on. Strangely though, i head out to the woods late at night (11pm to 1am) and walk around. Or sit on a bench in the pitch black.
I do have another, unsual worry. I cannot touch a girl. A woman. Any female. All i see in my hands, is corruption. Im so afraid to be touched by a girl, or to touch one, because im afraid of ruining her. Hurting her. All i can see is pain, deapair, misery. I have never had a girlfriend, or had a female as a friend. Maybe this is why, i dont know. I do not despise or dislike women. I find the female body to be the most incredible thing i have ever seen. It is elegant and beautiful, and i hate how it is abused, and put on for show.
Now apart from the insanity & and the depressions, is another major problem in my life right now. My health. Sometimes, no matter whether im sitting or standing, i will suddenly see stars. This has happened about 20 times in the past 3 months. I had at first figured that it cant have happened. I mean, surely that only happens in the cartoons? Unfortunately it was real. And it continues to happen. My other problem, is walking along and suddenly feeling dizzy, dis orientated, not sure where i am or what im doing. I usually walk around, or lean on something till i regain control of myself. Other health issues concern my teeth, which regularly have begun falling apart. Just like half a tooth breaking off. There are also my ankles, whereby sometimes when i walk, i feel clicks in my feet. It feels like my bones are rubbing against each other. The pain is extreme, but i carry on walking. My whole body has begun to click too, but not like my ankles. I feel like my body is beyond repair.
My current status is that i live at home with my parents, whom i hate very much due to past events. I regularly swear at them, and i especially hate my dad. He is very strict and controlling. Even though im 20, he still thinks i have to do everything he says. He even laughs as though he enjoys it. It makes me sick. I started college in september, and im already struggling. I have 30+ hrs a week at home study, and i use 0 hrs because of the problems at home. I feel like im a prisoner in my own home.
I am once again on the brink of despair. 2 social workers, a doctor, and 2 psychiatrists thought they had cracked me when i told them that the reason i had tried to kill myself was because i was lonely. When in fact as you saw above, that was just one of many, many reasons.
I am glad to have got this of my chest, and hope you can offer me some advice on what to do next. I do hate saying this, but my time is running out. When i break down for the 3rd and final time, i wont be fighting back. I will destroy myself, and most likely my parents with me.
P.S. I have just typed this off the top of my head, so have most likely missed a lot of stuff out, but maybe from this post, you can realise just how unreal things are right now for me.
Thankyou for your time, and i look foward to your replies.
DevilAngel
"An Angel fighting the Devil within it."
