What is considered suicide?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nde1986, Mar 19, 2011.

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  1. nde1986

    nde1986 New Member

    I am 24 and have stage 3, borderline stage 4, liver cirrhosis. A lot of nausea and fatigue. I have problems with my nervous system, specifically as it relates to my heart. I had a mini-stroke about a year ago.

    Before I was diagnosed, my family thought I had anorexia. I am a man. I can't express in words just how painful this was for me. Just so much guilt from thinking something was my fault and not being able to do anything about it, and having others tell me I should change.

    I've wanted to die for years. I pray for it hundreds of time every day. If it was just a matter of ending my life, I'd do it without question. However, I know that God would not be pleased with this decision, and I'd still have to work out my pain and guilt on the other side, where it would be harder.

    Here is my question - I have to bend over backwards to eat enough to keep myself alive. I guess I still associate so much pain with food - it was like feeling you ate Thanksgiving dinner after every meal, and thinking that it was what you were doing that was causing you to feel that way.

    I also have arranged to work from home for my job. My question is how hard do I have to work to stay alive and have God not consider it to be suicide?

    I believe that if I were to get another job where I have to go into work and/or get a roommate, it would be too difficult to eat, and I'd end up dying. On weeks where I do go into work, by the end of the week, I am very weak, and the lower part of my body has gone numb. The thing is, it is not painful at all for me quit eating. I am hungry for maybe an hour or so after mealtime, and if I don't continue the ritual of eating regularly, my body just quits asking for food, and it becomes exponentially harder to begin eating again. Almost as if it's saying "well, I'm glad you're not feeding me, because it's easier for me just to die anyways."

    But, the thing is, that it would still be a conscious choice - I "could" eat if I wanted to. I guess once I could no longer force myself to eat, I could attach feeding tubes. I guess, I could try to get a liver transplant - and basically cause another person who wishes to live to die waiting for a liver.

    Where does it stop? What is the line?
  2. kmj221

    kmj221 Well-Known Member

    :blue::blue:: I am so sorry for the pain you go through daily!!! I understand the questions you ask yourself about death and god, I'm sorry I have no answers. If you need to talk or vent anymore please pm me. Again, I can't even start to understand the pain you go through. May god lead you in the direction you need to go in. God Bless!!!! kmj221
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    wow, I'm sorry that you are going through this.

    24 seems really young for you to have cirrhosis and to have had a stroke

    I'm guessing that you are getting all of the medical treatment, therapy that you can get?

    You might want to try some acupuncture, meditation, something like that.

    I wish I knew the right thing to say here.

    I hope that somehow things will get better!

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  4. Monsieur

    Monsieur Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your pain. I don't think I can really answer your questions but I hope you can find them in yourself in due time.


    Take care and best of luck,
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