What is crisis?

I have been in 'crisis' for a week now. I had a massive argument that turned physical with my sister last weekend. My sister is my life line and now she has abandoned me like everyone else has done that has been in my life. I don't know what to do anymore. I've had the police out answering welfare concerns. But those concerns were only ever raised to make those people feel better. I have been on my own all week. All I've done is cry and sleep pretty much. Especially the last 48 hours. I am an illegal drug user in the way that I try to turn everything off with it. But now not even that works so why waste my money. I have no friends. Family have all but turned their back on me. Though that was done many years ago through the horrible teenager I was. I've gone from a fierce teenager through to my adult years to become a waste of space. I have little education, therefore no career. I've not worked for nearly 3 years now and don't ever see myself being able to cope with an adult lifestyle. I am to all intense and purposes a child in a adult body. I need constant reassurance which I'm not getting. My life has just spiraled out of control and I can't even pinpoint anymore where it all went wrong. I desperately don't want to be here, if I could blink myself out of existence I would. I don't have the guts to end my life. I have tried several times over the years. I just want to be with my nan who I let down in her last month's of life. I let everyone down though so it shouldn't bother me. But my nan was the only person that got me. Both cast aside by our families. But I let her down. I am waiting for my new allocation now under the mental health team where I live. What's the point though? They've already discharged me twice. The most recent being June just gone. They can't help me. No one can help me. So I guess till or of I ever get the guys together I will.simply lurch from one crisis point to the next. I can't take that. Over half my life I've been like this. I really should be used to it. There are more days I feel like I don't want to be here. But I guess I am still in battle with myself over the urge to no longer be here or that tiniest amount of hope I have of ever feeling better. I just don't know.

 

Thank you for replying. Everything I'm going through now has already been explained to previous therapists. I've tried engaging with drugs councillors alongside the normal therapy. But I found it all to be very over whelming and I fell at the first and the last hurdle. On the plus side I have not smoked anything illegal since Friday am I think. I was sat smoking and crying toward the end of last week which really is just a waste of my money.

My current mood keeps flittering between total calm to prickly panic. At least I'm not crying uncontrollably now. Which is pretty much what I've done the last week.

I still can't get past the feeling of being a waste and worthless. I've begged my mum to come back to the uk (she lives abroad). But nothing. She said she'd look at flights but that was like 3 days ago now. I still have that massive need to be with my mum. I know she can't make this internal misery of mine disappear but I don't know, mum's touch always seems to calm me down. I shouldn't be surprised she won't come. She didn't the last time I was in crisis and she only lived across town. Apparently her job was too precious to come help support her children. I was in crisis with my younger sister trying her best to cope and help me. That was only a couple years ago. Why does she do this to me? The one person I really need to be able to rely on and I can't. Going to cut it there as I can feel the tears trying to come back.

 

Hi Poppet I am sorry that you are going through this right now, I think that you have hit bottom, have you, do you think?
I hear you say that you don't want to be here, I think that you do, I think this is exactly where you need to be right now, this is a safe Place Poppet, it is a good place to be, the people that you meet will not judge you they will not assume things, they will do their best for you, i think that you picked a very good place, you now have friends here, i don't think anyone will turn their backs on you! I do want to say that you seem intelligent, you write well and you have been able to talk coherently and well, I am sorry that you feel alone and a waste of Space, you are not, I want you to know I have felt pretty much like you do right now, I logged into this room a year ago, I was of a mind that I was not going to see the next day, I did I am back here a year later so I know where you are coming From
I understand that you are fairly young so I believe that you are capable of learning how to live in an adults body, You might think that you do not want to hear that but I think that you do and you can do anything if you want to do it! Give the people here time, read some of the material on line in here and if you get a chance you can share your story with others see what they have to say , like I said before NO One will judge you, everyone in here can be here for you talk and share with them and you will see that I am telling you the truth! Poppet Take a deep breath try and relax and take it easy, Poppet be easy and gentle on yourself, you have not done anything that someone had not done before you, you can survive you can come out of this, it won't be easy at times, You can do it! Try and relax like I said, read some and try and talk to others in here, we are here for you! Hugs and thank you for listening

 

Hi again Poppet, well from reading the above, yeah, you got a full plate. Where to begin, good god, try and make a small easy change, you seem to be dealing with it all at once. Nobody could do that, I've tried. Something dumb, have breakfast for dinner. Why? To dislodge all the junk, almost like fracking your computer to free up space, try and concentrate on one small thing, washing the dishes, making your bed, let the rest slide for a moment and do one thing, then maybe another. What this will do hopefully is calm your mind some, let the rest slide to the floor, you may be amazed at what you can accomplish, but slowly, build your confidence. As far as a waste of space that's ridiculous, you've already touched my life and I have touched yours, if only through the keyboards. I'm new here too, but it seems there are many people here to help.