What is happening to me?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Prinnctopher's Belt, Dec 4, 2009.

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  1. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I have reason to believe I'm gradually becoming a much more aggressive, hateful person in my day-to-day relations with others. While, at the same time, managing to remain polite and caring to some.

    I talked to my mother today and what a bitch she is. All I did was ask her question, and she starting arguing and yelling and all of this ruckus over nothing, and that fucking pissed me off. I had gotten so mad at the fact that it's so fucking hard to even try to talk to her peacefully, like a daughter should be able to talk to her mother, that I said something I never said openly or loudly directly to her in her presence: "Just SHUT UP!" It just came out and I couldn't control it. Though, afterward, I almost regret it because it seemed to have hurt her feelings pretty badly that I would disrespect her. But I then tried to explain to her, what the hell is someone supposed to do when they're constantly being yelled at and being antagonized and hadn't even done anything wrong.

    It's not the first time I exploded on her ass. When I was a teenager, I would usually get my hair styled in tiny braids (extensions) that I'd wear for months at a time. The braids were so tiny, it wasn't unusual to have to spend more than eight hours taking them out. So, I had these braids in my hair, and I asked her to help me to take them out. She was so violent about it, that while combing them out, she would pull and pull, and it seemed that no matter how much I begged her to stop pulling and tugging at my hair so viciously, like an irate animal, she would just yell at me, "You want me to take these out or what! Shut the fuck up then! I ain't killin' you! I swear I can't stand your ass!" and she would just pull and pull. It got to the point where she got so mad, for whatever reason that was, that she pulled my hair too hard, and as a result, the small portion she was combing pulled out. And it hurt. And she didn't seem to give a damn. Maybe she secretly did, but that does nothing for me.

    So, last year, when I returned back home from college and had nowhere to live, I had some extensions in my hair that I was combing out. I didn't want her to help me at all, and didn't need it. But she volunteered. I hesitated, but then figured, "hell, maybe this could be a good time to try to bond with my mother," so I went ahead and gave her a comb.

    She started aggressively, again, and I told her not to pull at my hair. She got upset and, predictably, yanked my head and yelled "Do you want me to do this?!" and I just exploded. I yelled that she was hurting me, stood up, and pushed her away from me. I physically pushed her back and away and was boiling hot. I remember yelling to her "get the fuck off of me! Are you crazy!" and started stomping away yelling "Don't you ever fucking touch me again, you psycho idiot! You were pulling my hair, that's why I didn't want you to do it in the first place, you crazy woman! You are insane. That hurts!" words to that similar effect.

    The thing that I hated the most about her, is that whenever I'd say something to her in defense or retaliation after she would abuse me or say something hurtful to me, she'd immediately afterward get on the phone and call one of her sisters or close friends, and act as if she's the victim of ME! And then as a result, they would get a bad image of me, when it isn't the truth. She's a liar.

    But anyway, as I was saying, I think all of this hatred I have against her is accumulating inside me the older I become and it's starting to feed on me. I'm starting to remember and realize why I have such disgust for her, and what effects everything she's done to me has had on why I have always been noticeably very sad, even as a young child as far as I can remember. She has made me feel like a burden on her life since I was adopted to her in infancy. Shit, it's not as if I asked her to take me. I'd rather my biological mother had tossed my ass in the garbage anyway.

    She acts like I was a fucking burden on her, as if it's MY choice. Fuck that.

    This is effecting my personality by making me hateful to others. When someone does something I think is horribly uncouth or cruel to another person, or just plain ignorant and stupid, I feel like killing them. Even if I don't even know the person, I just start to get thoughts that the person doesn't deserve to fucking exist.

    I wish my mother and I had a better relationship, but she makes it so god damned impossible with her stupidity and bad attitude, and overall negativity. This makes me feel like I have no one in the world. Most people are supposed to have the best bonds with their mothers or fathers. Even a newborn requires a mother or motherly figure to be there, speaking to them and holding them, because this enables a loving bond to form between the two.

    I don't think I've ever had this kind of shit as a baby, and all of this has snowballed into what I am now. However, sometimes I seem to be a rather pleasant person without a care in the world.

    Is there some psychological explanation for all of this, and how can I get over it?
  2. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Like you mentioned all you're anger has accumilated and you've lost a sense of affection through that. I wouldn't say you're a psychopath or anything of the sort but the anger and annoyance you've experienced with you're mom is making you more subceptible to anger when others annoy you too. You're still a nice person but you've had so much crap thrown at you, and you've had enough, you just want people to stop annoying you. Its like being in a bad mood and taking anger out on others but only long-term.
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Your mom has issues. My late mother in law did the very same thing and hurt so many.

    I recommend long term therapy. There is a lot to work through. You need to write you own belief system with your adult reasoning mind. I know that the abuse I suffered from my mother in law affected my beliefs about myself in a negative way.

    Post here all that you need to. :hug:
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