what is in my head? (not the brain)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by mortdesinos, Feb 7, 2011.

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  1. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I can't help but feel like everything is my fault. All the blame from my parent's divorce is inextricably drawn to me. It lasted years but ended almost two decades ago. I am an only child. I was bullied for years every single day in high school. What do these things have in common and what do they mean? Maybe nothing important or significant. But they're at the base of my "problem"- my severely antagonistic view towards atrocious bullying and scorn.

    I can probably remember twenty negative experiences before I am able to recall two positive attributes about myself. My self concept is inflated when I'm around others, resulting in myself suddenly becoming rampant with dispirited thoughts. My father just finished speaking to my uncle in the living room here at my uncle's house. The faint murmurs seemed louder the one time I happened to hear my name voiced. The next thing I knew, I was pinning myself into the middle of the conversation, imagining that the two were probably speaking about how low I talk and how strange and quiet I am. What may be said behind my back scares me. If I am having a phone conversation in my room, I talk as softly as possible and still become concerned that my father may be able to hear my conversation and is deriding me. The connection between my image, as viewed by others, and negativity or criticism is sewn together so tightly that I cannot visualize where the seams are. I cannot separate fact from fiction. I have been accused of being sensitive. I am, but I don't see why it is a bad thing.

    My aunt seems to appreciate me, but she barely knows me (my uncle married her long after his first divorce.) Also, my father and his brother have very little interest in each other, so these few days I've been staying at my uncle's house have been full of nearly contentious moments. My father speaks his mind, being pugnaciously sardonic and sarcastically flat. I have been mostly quiet, absorbing the undertone of every gesture and giggle. I have no reason to believe that I am not keenly aware of the signs people are giving each other, but when I am assessing myself, I rate myself as bothering others and being unappealing. If I feel insignificant, am I making myself that way or appear to be that way, or is it "in my head"?

    I begrudgingly accept endearing compliments, but what do they mean? After all the crude significance I draw to the attention shone on me, the compliments seem to fall a step steep, or short of the truth.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    My parents also divorced decades ago, and so that's something I can relate to. Your parents' divorce wasn't your fault. I know that's easy for someone to say though, and not so easy to actually believe.

    I don't think being sensitive is a bad thing at all, to me it's a good quality in a person.

    Sorry I don't have much more to add, just wanted you to know I read your post and that I'll listen if you feel like talking.
  3. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Thanks Alison, for your kindness and support.
  4. Pécheur

    Pécheur Account Closed

    I know this probably isn't the right time or place to be commenting on your writing ability, but I must admit you wrote that very skillfully!

    But besides the point. Joe :hug: I can relate to this so very much. What I do know though, is you are a good person and deserve to feel comfortable in your own feelings, if you want to sit back and observe then your dad should accept that rather than insist you are feeling something other than how you are.

    I hope your differences are resolved as I'd like to see you feeling better and remain the sweet, caring Joe that you are.

    Always here for you,

  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi My parents seperated as well when i was five,
    i continued to blame myself for a long time but realized when i was older it had nothing to do with me
    Adults divorce because they just cannot live with each other
    Being quiet i to find is a good trait sensitive even better.
    You hear more and you observe more around you.
    I don't why people expect you to be who you are not
    There is a place in this world for every type of person You are a kind compassionate person the world need more people like you hugs
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Agreed, I know this has nothing to do with what you were posting about and I'm sorry to go off-topic, but your writing abilities are amazing. You have a way with words.
  7. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Thank you for helping me get through these times. I tried to let the words flow with my thoughts as I was typing.

    Anyway, Blou, if I keep myself distanced from my father by talking about superficial matters, like the food we're eating, I don't always have to be on guard to protect myself from his captious criticism. But I've gotten somewhat sensitized to his jabs. My father will commonly throw what I would consider inappropriate adjuncts into conversation like "well if you weren't so stupid," "if you weren't such a liar," or "you don't think!" while telling a joke or making a point that can be constituted to mean either that my father and I are in slight discordance, such that we have differing viewpoints on how much money to spend on household food, or that I am not supporting him as much as he'd like by assisting him with work or cleaning his house. Whereas I have trouble unfolding or laying out personal issues to others or even to myself, my father has difficulty keeping his worries to himself.

    Blou, you are the one who is so sweet, if you ask me. And Violet, I try to adhere to your positive perspective on differences between people, because I agree with them. You're astoundingly insightful.
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