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what is keeping me here?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by laureen, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. laureen

    laureen Member

    hi there everyone! I posted on this site for the very first time 2 months ago (http://www.suicideforum.com/showthr...roken-world-behind&highlight=he+left+a+broken) , shortly after my son committed suicide and now I am back again... feeling more depressed and empty than I did on that very day... I'm seeing a therapist on the side to help me cope with the loss of my boy, but secretly I wish I was just gone from this world too. I feel so empty and honestly have no purpose here.
    I moved away from the hateful town and its hateful homophobes bad mouthing my son even after his passing... but nothing has changed. Honestly I feel worse each day... Every song I hear on the radio make me burst out into tears.. I remember my son used to love Sia's music and now I hear that pass "I've got thick skin and an elastic heart" and it just breaks me... I don't know what I am asking or trying to do, I guess just knowing someone is there on this site makes me feel better.

    Love, Laureen
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2015
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Laureen, I remember you. I am the one who lit 2 candles for your son, 1 for you, 1 for him, they are here, I hope this makes you smile :) http://s1378.photobucket.com/user/irishpetals/media/IMG_20141120_1723211_zpsa925750d.jpg.html?o=0

    Is the therapy helping at all? Are you being completely honest with the therapist?

    I'm sorry that even moving has not helped, perhaps because the pain is from within and the memories you have. I know if I moved, I'd still have all the bad memories. I like sia too, my fave singer is Loreen and her song euphoria, it helps when I'm stressed and get's me out for real life for a moment.
    I hope talking here helps you. Are you taking any medication?
  3. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi Laureen, Thank you for having the courage to post your message. It's difficult to answer your question about what's keeping you here but there is definitely something and you do have a purpose in life. I'd like to give you an example. The Australian of the Year award was announced today and it went to a lady who also lost her son. Her son was eleven years old. The son was killed by the father. This courageous lady much like yourself has been campaigning against family violence all year and as a result of her tenacity, she has cast a new light on a subject which has largely been kept in the dark.

    I'm very sorry you lost your son but from what you're telling me, I think you both loved each other very much. I'm not necessarily saying you have to be a campaigner of something. The message I'm trying to convey is that you can go on and I think part of the reason for this is because your son probably would want you to go on too. I know you're hurting and every reminder of what happened only adds to the pain. I encourage you to keep seeing your therapist if it's helping and just keep going. You've suffered a very traumatic experience which is not easy to get through but you will get through this.

    The other question I was going to ask was whether you have any hobbies or friends or family to speak with? Maybe there's activities your passionate about which may help as a form of distraction. Also, speaking with friends can help ease the burden too.

    Take care and thank you again for being courageous in sharing your message. Husky
  4. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking about the same thing and the only thing holding me back is my family's reaction. If you think I can offer some sort of insight I'd be more than happy to try. I think what you have to keep reminding yourself is that you (thoughts of you) weren't involved in his final decision. Death by any means is a very personal thing.

    If you think I can help or just to vent please PM me. I don't put my phone number on an open board.
  5. laureen

    laureen Member

    hello dear!! I remember you too! thank you, you are so sweet (I have that picture saved and love to look at it, makes me so happy). Well, I try to be as honest as I can with my therapist, but sometimes I hide a part of me, especially the part where I could break down and cry forever. But I hope there will be a day that I finally can be "normal" again (I don't even ask for happy). I got a prescription to stabilize my mood, so I don't go up and down too harsh - which is good, but I guess it takes time and patience for all to fall into place... I hope you are well my dear
  6. laureen

    laureen Member

    thank you! I understand what you are saying, its what everyone keeps telling me - I guess I just need to find the right moment to get back on my feet. I used to be active in homeless teen groups (as was my son), but since that horrible day I couldn't find the energy to get up really. But I'm so grateful for nice people like you that I found on this page and hope that one day I'll be able to live a decent life again (even though everytime I smile I feel guilty, kind of that I'm not allowed too). I guess I grief differently than other people - usually I do it when I'm alone and as soon as I am surrounded by other people I put up a brave face.
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, keep posting here as it will help you. The loss of child is very traumatic for any parent especially in your circumstances. It's a very.hard situation to deal with.

    Yes, some days will be easy and others hard. Just keep reminding of the good times you had with your son.

    Please keep posting here as it will help with grieving process as well as seeing a therapist.

    Take care and be safe. YOU are IMPORTANT.
  8. laureen

    laureen Member

    thank you so much dear! Indeed, I can't forget that even though my son left me I am still here, I just have to make the best out of it. All my love to you
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi again honey, yoy MUST tell your therapist about the thungs you think you cannot talk about because you will not get better than way. Sort of like me drinking 2 liters of coke every day, not changing anything and expecting to lose weight and feel and look better. The point I am trying to make is we must look after the hidden inside issues just as much as physical illnesses. Please be honest, we are here for you all the way through it :hug: Huge hugs my dear and I am doing well, thanks.
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