What is normal anymore....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MentalAnguish, Aug 23, 2009.

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  1. MentalAnguish

    MentalAnguish Member

    I should be happy, I'm 32 have 2 wonderful children, a good job and lots of apparent friends. Yet recently I have been feeling more and more unhappy about myself. I am currently prescribed a fairly high dosage of opiate based pain killers and every day I am getting a strong urge to swallow the lot! To the point where I have had them in my hand and am ready to swallow. At night I go to sleep 90% of the time in tears for no reason at all?

    I know I don't fall into the normal stereotype for someone thinking this but I just need to get it out in the open hoping it will help ease this unknown pain I am feeling. I have experienced what suicide can do to families first hand but I'm starting to envy the people who do it?

    Why is this happening to me? I consider myself a well rounded individual but can't escape the dark thoughts I suffer from daily. Is it only a matter of time before I go through the motions and put an end to it all?

    I know there will be a lot of people thinking I'm being a dick for even posting here and wasting everyone's time, but these feelings are real and they are beginning to scare me.
  2. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi MentalAnguish,

    Thank you for having the courage to share your message and welcome to the forum.

    You're not wasting anybody's time by posting here and I don't think of you at all as the word you described yourself as. I actually think you've been quite brave by taking the step to post here. Everybody is here to help so never feel a burden because you aren't.

    Well done on creating such a good life for yourself. I can't say I've acheived the things you have but when I have felt happy I have often then felt guilty. My feelings are of why should I be happy. If you are feeling this way, it's nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty of. You've obviously worked hard to get where you have and you deserve every lit bit of success you have enjoyed.

    I don't mean to sound authorative but please don't take too many pills. I have taken too many recently trying to end it and I've just ended up worse and still alive.

    Try focusing on the positives in your life and there are an abundance of them. You're quite young and your married with a beautiful family. You've got a great job and many friends. You should be very proud of who you are and those negative thoughts are in your mind are just trying to steal this glory.

    Maybe try talking to a therapist or if possible a family member or friend if you think it is appropriate. I know they may be a litte surprised at first but these are loved ones in your life and I'm sure they would just want you to be happy. I think talking to a therapist is also a good option because you can get an impartial perspective and they can give you an honest and objective view on what is troubling you.

    I hope you feel happy soon and again well done on having the courage to post here.

    Take care.

    Kind regards,

  3. MentalAnguish

    MentalAnguish Member

    Thanks for the kind words Polar, this is the first time I have spoken out loud about this, could not or would not be able to speak to family or friends about this.

    I have always been the centre of attention without trying to be and simply could not bring myself to let anybody in on this. I used to self harm very privately whilst going through school and therapy just made things worse then! I sort of figured that most of my friends were there just because I was always the one who people would turn to for a laugh which shaped me into a person I wasn't. I didn't want to be the "class clown" or resident tough guy, I wanted to be myself and never had that opportunity.

    But that was then and it was only physical pain I was seeking to distract myself from the mental pain I was focusing on. However 16 years on I am now feeling like going one step further and what bothers me the most is I don't know why? I am very concerned about my actions of late because I am always alone when I have these urges. I have to lock up my place of work at night and Im always the last person in the office to leave so I have plenty of time alone to do it and know if I did nobody would be able to help. Whereas before it was only hurt with no suicidal tendencies now it is an urge to end it all.

    I will try to focus on the positives like you suggested, thanks.

    As for your personal achievements comparing them to other peoples is not a good way to go as achievement means so much to other people. To me it was earning money, having kids and living a normal life but for others it is just about getting over the hurdles that life throws their way, sometimes I envy that!
  4. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    HI MentalAnguish,

    Thanks for your message.

    Yeah. You're very correct about comparing personal achievements. I just know that many of the things you've acheived, I would like to in my life too. For example a family and I still have time to do it. You're right about comparison though and it's good that you highlighted it.

    I completely understand where you're coming from about overcoming hurdles in everyday life. They're not always easy to overcome but keep trying because you have so many good things and good people behind you who will help you jump them.

    I don't think it would have been easy talking out loud about the difficulties you've been experiencing so well done on that. It's sometimes good to be able to share such things in an anonymous environment and I'm sure everybody will listen with open ears to you if you ever need to talk here.

    I know a therapist can make things worse. I found out earlier this week I've probably been misdiagnosed with a serious mental condition for 10 years and the medication I'm taking has only made me worse. I do know, however, that if I don't get help then I could even get worse particularly considering the circumstances.

    I understand how therapy can make things worse. You may find it helpful though if you were able to find someone you could feel comfortable talking with.

    Also, well done on trying to concentrate on the positives. That is a terrific attitude to have.

    I hope you feel better soon and please feel free to contact me anytime.

    Take care.

    Kind regards,

  5. MentalAnguish

    MentalAnguish Member

    Thanks again Polar, you want to strive and achieve what I have yet from reading yours and others posts on here I wish I had the strength of character to face my problems head on. When a problem comes my way I put up these walls, absorb the pain and hope it goes away.

    Like everything in life if you put your mind to it you will get it, my problem seems to lay with wanting anything out of life.

    Whenever I am feeling low and start considering the best way to approach my demise I get a huge rush of adrenalin then when I dont go through with it I get very guilty? I hate the empty feeling I have inside.

    Feel free to address me by name "Rob" or get in touch yourself

    Take it easy

  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You just need to face things a little at a time that is where a good therapist comes in He or she will start to unravel SLOWLY the things that are making you unhappy with yourself. It could be just adding medication for depression will help but that is up to your doctor and you to discuss. Please know it will take time to get the right therapist but when you do you will start feeling so much better. Just letting out the pain a little at a time will helpl you heal and see things differently. I hope you can continue to reach out here and to others for help. You have alot of courage to open up here and i hope you continue to reach out for help from professionals as well. take care.
  7. MentalAnguish

    MentalAnguish Member

    It was very easy in my youth to see a therapist because I didnt have to explain to anyone what I was doing and I sort of knew what the problem was. Now however I have work and partner to explain my sessions to!

    Medication isn't an option at the moment, due to the nature of my job my medical record is open for scrutiny and anti depressant medication would ensure my demise at work. Also I don't think I could open up to anybody face to face regarding this not even my other half. I fear she would think less of me or say something that might push me over the edge and give me reason to do it.

    Like most things this is something I am going to have to face alone, but I am hoping by coming here to share my feelings it might not be so bad...
  8. busenbust

    busenbust Well-Known Member

    You take care of yourself. Do NOT be tempted to OD on those painkillers: people often make out that you die a 'peaceful' death in your sleep...having overdosed on paracetamol/ibuprofen a few weeks ago, this is not the case...your body has a tendency to (r)eject the tablets and you feel absolutely awful. You can/will get through this...:hugtackles:
  9. MentalAnguish

    MentalAnguish Member

    Thanks, but I wouldn't even consider paracetamol or Ibuprofen simply due to the large quantities you need to take and I am aware of the horrible side effects and probability of failure is high. I have researched what will happen when I OD on my chosen drug and combined with something else, heart failure is almost a certainty. I do not want people to see this weakness or burden them with this crap in my head, so if it happens it has to work first time.

    Thanks for the kind words, I am going to have a moment alone later on this evening and see if just talking about it has helped in any way.
  10. busenbust

    busenbust Well-Known Member

    Of course. Please do come back here. ((((hugs))).
  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad you have found SF. It is so difficult to try and battle the pain and the thoughts all alone. You need to talk to your doctor about this though. Opiates can be a very strong depressive agent. You dont need to go into great detail if it makes you uncomfortable. But please do tell him/her that you have been having suicidal thoughts recently. Maybe a change in dosage can help break the thoughts and urges and then you can move forward instead of back.
    And please dont ever feel or think that your problems are any less problematic than any other member here. No one will judge you. The nice thing about coming here is that there is always going to be someone that understands and will offer support and advice. Depression likes to isolate it's victims. But you arent alone here. Welcome to SF!
  12. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I couldn't have said it better. Try and be happy, for your kids. They look up to you. Do you have a spouse? They could help. Hope everything turns out for the best and I am always here if you need to talk.
  13. MentalAnguish

    MentalAnguish Member


    I was having these urges for quite a while before I was prescribed the pain killers, I want to speak to someone about it but simply cannot do it! I think my partner would probably want to get me away from our children if she knew that I was thinking like this. She would probably lose all respect for me as a partner and father if she knew my weakness. Even when surrounded by people I feel so alone but just can't bring myself to talk about it.
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well Rob then maybe you need to take the first steps here. It is so much easier to open up in the forums and posts than rather to a "real" person. People here really do understand the pain and torment. And they want to support and help anyway they can. You might find once you can start to get things off your chest here, there may be some issues you will feel comfortable enough about to tell your doc or a therapist. Do what ever you feel comfortable in doing, but please do something. Let someone else in. Because this is not a fight you can keep doing alone.
    As for your partner, is there any reason that she should take the kids away? Trust me I have 4 children and have quite a few attempts in my past. No one even family services has found my mental health issues warranting a danger to my kids. Do you think you would harm your kids in anyway or include them if you were to act on your suicidal urges? Hun as long as you know in your heart you would never hurt them then because you have mental health issues is not a strong enough reason for anyone to take your kids away. It sounds like you are always being strong for others. Well maybe it's time they see you're only human after all. First go see your doc and see what they have to say. Then sit your partner down and tell them that you have been feeling depressed lately. You dont have to go into all the details. You dont have to say you are feeling suicidal if your not ready to. But maybe let your partner know that things are a little out of hand emotionally for you and that a little support should would feel nice. If your partner really cares they would see you talking about it as a strength not a weakness. That you are strong enough to let them know what is going on. And I think it will help you more than you can realize right now. Please try atelast here for now?
  15. MentalAnguish

    MentalAnguish Member

    I didn't want to start a new topic and bore you all with the background so I hope it's ok to do this.

    Well, it has been a crazy few months and things kind of sorted themselves out as they inevitably do. For the most part the old feelings of just swallowing a huge dose of the opiates Im prescribed has gone away. There is now a bigger cloud hanging over my head combined with the lonliness I feel which has pushed me back into the darkness again.

    Without boring everybody with the details I lost someone who I was very close with from school and again quite recently. Whilst I never spoke to her about these feelngs the thought of having someone there who was happy to listen was a huge comfort. Ive always considered my partner my best friend but feel very uncomfortable talking to her about this because I dont want her to see my weakness and she has enough of this at work (she cares for mentally challenged people). Now with my old friend gone I have nobody to talk to about the "mental anguish" I feel. Today I found out that I need to have a biopsy on a reocurring tumor on the base of my spine (its been cut out once already). There is a chance it is a malignant tumor, which is not good news as they have already failed in removing it all once before because of its tricky location.

    I dont want to put my family through this nor do I think I can cope myself. I thought the easiest way to deal with this would be a high dose of the painkillers quickly followed by an insulin induced coma to numb the pain. I have it planned to the very last detail and that scares the shit out of me!

    I just cant understand why I feel like this, I should be happy, I have everything that any man could want. A good job that I love, a recent promotion, a loving partner, 2 splendid kids at home and another one from a previous relationship, we're very close and there is no issues in me seeing her or between me and her mother! My partner would do anything for me and whilst we got off to a shakey start, 4 years on we're stronger than ever. Yet all I can think about is a way out of this fucking life without having to live it!

    I feel like such a muppet even posting this now because I'll probably lose my bottle like I do every other time I think/feel like this! But just being able to say what I feel out loud or in cyberspace is such a relief!
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