What is the line between confidence and overconfidence?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by A_New_Man, Nov 3, 2007.

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  1. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    Almost every single time I've ever asked for romantic advice, people have told me that the key to becoming attractive to the opposite sex is to show a lot of self-confidence.

    But I have a problem with that advice - I don't feel that confidence is a magical instant cure. In fact, I think it can actually have a negative effect. There are several people in my classes who are overconfident snobs, and my classmates don't look up to them. In fact, everyone else makes fun of the snobs. When someone is egotistical and full of themself, they actually make themself look like a jerk, not like someone that you'd want to be friends with.

    If I go up to a girl and tell her "Baby, I am confident in myself. I am 100% sure in my ability to win your love and there's no way I'm wrong about that." I don't exactly think that I'm going to seem charming, I think I'm going to sound creepy as hell.

    Yet, everyone I've spoken to is entirely convinced that self-confidence is the key to success in all things. But being overconfident can screw you over - and if you're confident in your abilities and you fail anyway, then you were falsely confident in yourself and your confidence had no merit at all, so what's the point?

    Can anyone tell me where the line is drawn between reasonable confidence and overconfidence?
  2. cheeka

    cheeka Guest

    I'm sort of thinking that you are over analysing and looking at this too clinically. If you are very mechanical in your approach, people won't find that attractive too. Maybe before you try to find someone else, you find yourself first, so that you are comfortable in your skin. If you feel comfortable in yourself, then you will appear more confident.

    In my eyes, over confidence is often borne from insecurities, whereas genuine confidence is more subtle.

    Have you ever thought about looking into body language? Maybe things like smiling, eye contact, etc, would be a good place to start for, if you really feel you have to, ways to show more confidence.

    I personally think self esteem is more important than confidence because genuine self esteem will bring genuine confidence as well as much more.
  3. cheeka

    cheeka Guest

  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Reasonable confidence is ... just believing in yourself, I think, but also knowing that you're not God's gift to the opposite sex, and that there will be people who don't find you attractive - no-one, regardless of if they think they are because they looked it up in some 'magical how-to dating book'..

    I, personally (from a male perspective), think that it isn't being confident that's all that important - ok, so it *may*, just *possibly* make you a tad more attractive, but if it's not part of your natural self, is it a good thing to pretend you have it? I don't think so.
    I think that it's being yourself that's important, as you're not pretending you're something that you're not..
  5. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the advice, cheeka.

    But what if, as yourself, you're very introverted and shy and anxious?
  6. cheeka

    cheeka Guest

    Then wait until the right girl comes along that appreciates your qualities and you are suited to her, otherwise you will just end up being fake, and that won't make you happy either.
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    The reality is that girls and guys like all sorts of people and each person finds different qualities attractive. You seem to have fallen into the trap of what society says is attractive. In truth what society says isn't true at all.

    For example: Person 1 may like someone who is shy.
    Person 2 may like someone whos is out going and chatty.
    Person 3 may like someone who is arrogant.

    So you see, it depends on that person. Also it's generally always best to be yourself. People should accept you for who you are. In the end if they can't then what's the point.
  8. Blah.

    Blah. Guest

    Believe it or not there are people who wouldn't run away from that and would understand or even find that attractive. I can be shy, anxious but I can also be very much the opposite- people are complex and it takes ages to get to know anyone. Who you "are" is also complicated, I don't think there's a "real (fixed) you" as in how you see yourself now (and your anxiety could be linked to so many things you've absorbed from your environment) but something that is always changing. With different people you'll bring out qualities that are different, maybe things you wouldn't have imagined before.
  9. A_New_Man

    A_New_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow, it's really encouraging to hear that, after hearing five years of people tell me that confidence is the one and only thing that can solve my problems...

    ...But, how long might it take for me to find someone who is attracted to shy guys like me?
  10. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    I'm a shy girl, and I like shy guys. "Opposites attract" isn't always practical or true. However, don't just go for anyone; if you have a genuine interest in a girl, then strike up a conversation. Be yourself.

    I've had much the same problem--people tell me to act normal and confident--but the truth is, I want someone who will accept me even at my worst, as I would for him. If I'm off my meds, and I go nuts, someone who's "healthy" would be less likely to understand. On the other hand, if he was like me and had similar problems, I think he would be more understanding.

    I have no experience, but that's how I see it. Find someone with whom you can be comfortable.
  11. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I think one of the above poster's hit the nail on the head. Confidence is being, at the very least, comfortable in your own skin. Also, faking confidence is just as bad, if not worse, than having no self-esteem because most people can see through that poorly made facade and it comes across as very awkward, I think.

    But, that initial awkwardness might be a necessary side-effect in order to gain confidence. Everyone goes through an awkward stage, it's how long it lasts that is the difference. Hope I'm making even just a little bit of sense.

    Although, what slightly worries me is that some people really don't believe confidence matters, but I see it as a fundemental building block. Even though my level of confidence is in the red zone by quite a bit, it still is something I want to attain in the near future. Good luck on finding that line between confidence and jackassery.
  12. sadsoul

    sadsoul Member

    I defiantly believe that confidence is a huge factor in attracting a woman as a man. However, these students you speak of in you class are not actually confident. They are putting up a front to make up for their LACK of confidence. They are overcompensating. Someone who is confident will carefully display it through their tone of voice, words and body language.
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