What is the point? I can't see it!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TestForEcho, Jan 22, 2007.

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  1. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member


    First let me start by saying that I'm not going to bitch about how, "My home is too well built" or "I have to much food too eat". To complain about the actual quality of my life would be hypocritical. I've always had a roof over my head, and food in my stomach. I wasn't raped or abused <mod edit:shygirl>. I wasn't sent to prison, or lost my job. As I said before, this case is different.

    To set the stage:
    Ok grades 2-6, shitty but not bad. I had an okay childhood even though I was pushed around all the time by children who would always be older than me due to my skipping of the 1st grade. But whatever. 7th grade and I go to a new school. Right away things start out shitty. I'm spit on, made fun of, had my personal property destroyed or stolen, whipped, and beaten on almost a daily basis. All while the teachers do nothing. 8th grade is even worse. I start getting all F's for not turning in my work. Why? Because the work was bullshit and the teachers didn't give a crap about the fact that I had this shit happening to me everyday. But then one day I start working hard again despite the bullshit. I get all C's and it looks like things are going to turn around. I even get a fucking award! Then my science teacher starts marking my tests wrong. Writing things like "good job" and scribbling it out or giving me poor grades on technicalities. So I ask myself "Why am I even bothering?" My grades sink again. A few weeks before graduation and I'm practicing tennis in the auditorium. And as the teacher walks out 2 students come up and attack me with rackets. When I say attack, I mean they're trying to beat me unconscious. I run out (being surprisingly fast for my age). The same student walks over and starts picking a fight with me. After a few back and forths I snap and get him in a headlock. Though my sudden victory is cut short by a sharp pain in the back of my head as a rock is sent ricocheting off my skull. 3 of his friends come over and proceed to step on my head, and kick me in the face. This was my last day. No friends. No loves. No graduation.

    So after I left school at the age of 13 I was confined to my room. I was allowed no contact with people or indeed allowed to leave my room do to my psychotic parents. Seems like not that big deal I'll admit. But this means no life. For the past seven years I wake up, sit at my computer, eat and go to bed. Everyday. No job. No friends. I can't move away. I have no one to stay with. I have no car, no money. You know what I have? Owners. Two owners who have arranged for me to be stuck in my room 24/7. "It's not safe out there! Bad people will get you!" I'm not a fucking idiot. I can think for myself. But while this insane isolation has given me time to research things it has left me feeling very suicidal.

    But don't think it's about coping. That I "just can't deal with this life". No, I just don't see the point. Unlike the rest of you, I know what happens when we die. I know about God and I know how worthless life actually is. No one cares about you me or anyone else. Now my hesitation is apparent as I am, in fact writing this. This is because I have no means to obtain a gun and go out in the way I wish. My only real option is to slit my wrists despite the fact that that's really more of a womanly thing to do, statistically speaking. But I fear, even that I wouldn't end my life through... You see, I have tested a theory about death. That we are set to die at a specific time and location. Why? Because all events happen, are happening, and will happen as they are supposed to. Think of no time. All events occurred at once, fixed in fate. Even if our death IS suicide, it is fated before we decide to do so. One can not cheat fate. I first became suspicious of this when I noticed that the two times I had drowned as a child left me mysteriously alive. I recall nothing after blacking out except waking up out of the water not knowing how I had gotten there and both times, no one saw or intervened. Recently I put this theory to the test. I hung myself. The first time my finger started to spray blood on to the carpet for no reason. The second, the cord became untied. Something will always happen.

    Obviously, unless your afflicted with a similar mental condition such as myself, I doubt that you will hear anything above the general noise or rantings of someone "looking for help". Which is half way true, I am looking for help. Something I over looked. But it's pretty air tight from what I can see.

    But I'm getting ahead of myself. I say there is no point is for two reasons. The first being that God is not a being, and has no interaction with us. Thus no divine justice (no matter how much I wish there was). Proof? I've seen people burned, tortured, stabbed, shot, frozen, mutilated, electrocuted, stoned, exploded, heads shot off, heads cut off, heads smashed, limbs removed, on and on and on. BUT! IT IS IMPORTANT TO MAKE CLEAR THAT I AM REFERING TO MY RESEARCH AND THAT I DID NOT DO THESE THINGS WHEN I SPEAK OF ACTS OF TORTURE AND HOMICIDE. Suffice to say, the atrocities of man are far worse than anyone can know. Which is probably why I have so many headaches. I see the world in such and ugly truthful clarity. Unlike the rest of you disgusting humans, I don't turn a blind eye to the truth just because it's unplesent. There is a phrase that always stays with me, that always wakes me up to these facts. When referring to the nature of Eric Harris, post Columbine, a psychologist stated, "a psychopath feels the same amount of remorse for their victims as a normal person does in carving a thanksgiving day turkey". This one statement is a willful trigger, that makes apparent, all the hypocritical views of the so called "sane". For you see there is no difference. I'm no animal activist. I'm vegan because I find the consumption of cow excretions and rendered animal tissue displeasing despite the deceptive taste. I see no difference in people or animals. We are all animals. To think humans are in some way superior or more worthy of existence is laughable. You say murder is evil. If I joined the ARMY I'd be payed and given medals to murder. Police men kill. Life is not sacred no matter how much we trick ourselves into believing it is. We kill cows and chickens... Because we are hungry. We kill deer... Because it's fun and because were hungry. We kill insects... Because they're pests. We kill people... Because they're pests, and because it's fun. Not to mention the fact that nothing we do matters. My house will turn to dust. If I have kids they will grow old and die. If I work hard on a drawing or writing it will be destroyed or forgotten. To think we will live forever is truly insane. The Earth is a spec of dust. The life of humans, simply bacterial in size, worth, and importance. My life included.

    That's reason one.

    Reason two. Even if I could turn a blind eye to the many MANY horrible things I know, I would still be stuck with no life to live. It's funny to see so many people shouting that their life is over because they lost their job or their girlfriend left them. Funny, because there are so many horrible things in this world that would make you beg for that pain as it would be a welcomed relief.

    It's not that I can't take life anymore. I can. It's, what's the point? If I don't matter, if I can't be with the one person who has ever listened to me or in fact achieve any of the pointless goals I want in this life... What's the fucking point? And what? Work and break my back for 60 fucking years for some ass hole only to just get by, retire and die 5 years later an ugly old man? "If you know for sure that you can not feel happy in your life anymore and the reasons amass from day to day, you do not have another choice than to escape from this life."

    I know what awaits me after death and I don't fear it. There's no heaven or hell no matter what we do. So, if anyone can mention something I've overlooked I'd be more than happy to give you some degree of my attention.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2007
  2. Kugatsu

    Kugatsu Active Member

    Hmm, I don't know. I read your whole post and it's very well written, and you've obviously done a lot of, well...research into the evils of man.

    If you can't see the point in doing anything, or of living, I don't know how to turn you away from that when you are obviously so deep into that. Frankly, I don't see much point to life as of yet except for just going out and looking for a reason. Really, if all you see is atrocities, and that you are dead sure that there is no point to anything, I think the only thing left for you is to look for something that would make it worth while. I don't know. I feel like I'm talking out of my ass here cause I'm almost at the end of my rope. Things almost always just seem to be getting worst for me and when things seem to be getting better, something bad that is equivalent to that good always comes along. It's getting to be like the universe is trying to tell me not to look for or seek to gain anything good cause I'll just end up being punished for it.

    I guess when there seems to be nothing, you gotta go out and look for something. You say you've been cooped up in your room for the past 7 years, unable to go out and make friends or experience anything and in that, you have found no point in trying to go out and do anything. I think what you need to do is take a hold of your life and step outside for once and try and experience something. Go out and talk to a person, make a friend. If your too afraid of your parents to do that, thats your bad. If your so dead sure that there's no point in going out there and seeing something and experiencing something new, thats your bad too. I think that when you come to the point that you find there is no point to anything, and especially since you believe that you are unable to die until god (even though you pretty much state that there is no god) dictates so, you just go out and do whatever the hell you want.

    In your head, you've got what everyones been seeking for a millenia, immortality. Granted, it's not really immortality, you will die some time, but you say that there is no way that you can kill yourself so just go out there and do what ever the hell you feel like. Maybe that way you'll find something worthwhile.
  3. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    I can't help but wonder, have you tried an antidepressant? You sound extremely depressed and there are medications that can help tremendously.
  4. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member

    I truly is difficult for me to not go off into tangents in order to explain in exact detail what I know and how I know it. But this isn't to say I can't prove my research correct. Though I should mention that God exists. But to think of God as some gender based being, watching and interacting with us is only a religion induced delusion. God is rather the fabric and dictating rules of the universe and of the universe, existing without time and in all places at all times by our perspective. I'd love to have a "holy father" come down and judge everyone but that's not how it is. There is no grand punishment or divine justice and I know too many appalling things and seen far to much to think otherwise. But don't think that I have exclusively obtained immortality. As I said, if all events have occurred, or rather that past present and future are all the same, then it stands to reason that there is a sort of "fate". And one can not cheat fate.

    It all sounds so simplistic doesn't it. "Go out of the house and meet someone". I will reiterate, I have owners. Compared to someone of equal age, I'm still in the mind set of a 13 year old who, even then, has never had friends or experienced the world. Should I do what you purpose I would be beaten and yelled at for my disobedient conduct. Pain means little to me but if I were to given such a punishment without any reward, than I would lose more than I have gained. 7 years. Think about that. subtract the last 7 years of your life. I know nothing of how to live in the world or indeed interact with people. It is not "my bad" as you put it. It has been arranged since I was a child. And further thoughts of suicide race through my mind when I hear of those younger than myself who have obtained everything in a normal life that I have had taken from me. This is not what I want. I did not choose to live like this. To simply "escape" is not an option.

    Suicide has a brief hesitation only due to the notion that we can't cheat fate. And should I find a less dramatic way of terminating this shell, I fear that it would only serve as grief latter for having lived through it and being forced to explain my actions to my owners. <mod edit:shygirl methods> But this again raises the problem that I have no freedom to purchase a firearm. There's not a chance I would jump off a bridge as I've seen many people who lived to be crippled or functionally retarded. To the other point of "being so dead sure that there's no point in going out there and seeing something and experiencing something new" that is again, as you say, "my bad". This is partially what I feared. There's no way to accurately convey who I am and what I know. Needless to say that the only benefit (my research) in these last 7 years has left me with more proof than I can contradict. And so people will assume that my words are mellow dramatic or an excuse to kill myself. This is far from the truth. I'm not looking for reason to kill myself. I want to live and be happy and be with the one person who matters to me despite all the "futility of life" observations. The truth is I'm not a depressed person seeking relief. I'm cold, unfeeling, and think in simple terms of logic. Well I suppose unfeeling is overstating it a little. I do have emotional states of hatred and a quiet mental form of depression... This really is hard to explain. Imagine a million people screaming in your head 24/7 combined with the knowledge of who is killing them and how. A feeling of desperation comes over you as you shout into a room all the names of the killers and victims but no one hears or cares. These same people walk into the room of killers. This is the closest visual metaphor I can give to explain what is happening in this brain at all times. After a few years of this you start to see that life is not sacred, that evil goes unpunished, and that our actions mean nothing. This constant swirling effect loops in my mind over and over causing my privative monkey brain to run hot and give me loud headaches accompanied by a sharp ringing sound. Trapped in your mind and the sound is deafening. You stop caring.

    So what is the point? I realize that with every question answered, an exponential spawn of questions will arise but I need to know, what is the reason behind living? Self satisfaction and indulgence? I can not, and will not forget everything I've learned. I just need to know why. I know how we exist. Perhaps better than most philosophers and scientists. I just need someone or something to end this logical paradox with an answer. THE RINGING IS JUST TOO LOUD!

    I'm not the only case, I know I'm not. Special ops assassins, psycho killers, people who have seen death and evil over and over again have reached the same conclusion and feel the same effects. I've read the reports. Medication is not the answer. To simply dull the senses is only a treating the symptom and not the cause. Even the medical profession spawns a million thoughts of knowledge that so much evil persists. You can't see millions of bodies, I can. Just one bit of proof that life means nothing and there is no justice. That we are all born into a words full of insane hypocrisy to which we close our eyes and put our fingers in our ears. Should anyone see these things (as in the case of my research) or should someone evolve and observe the world without the filter we are given a birth than they might reach the same loop.

    I know how this sounds. Paranoid, delusional, schizophrenic with visions or repressed memories. But it's not. If anyone has seen what I have and reach a conclusion I would like to know. I assumed that amongst the hundreds of desperate people on this forum that at least one would have.

    I'm done.

    PS: Should I erase myself, I'll leave my writings here as record.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2007
  5. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member

    NEVER TRUST PILLS OR DOCTORS! Barium Luvox Zoloft Mercury AZT Fluoride! No quack bone-saw will EVER apply his fucking leaches to me! Doctors are money hungry evil butchers who would sell you poison at $100 a bottle.

    Antidepressants cause suicidal and homicidal behavior as in the case of my favorite research project, Eric Harris of Columbine. WHATS SO FUCKING FUNNY is that there's so much in the water that I don't even know if I've been damaged mentally by it or I've really become like this do to my recent revelations. So it would only elevate my already damaging metal construction. In other words it would be putting more stress on a structure not up to code in the first place.
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Why are you spending so much time researching the evils of humanity when there is also so much good out there? You say life is pointless, but look at the lives of people like Ghandi, Pope John Paul II, Mother Theresa. These people and so many more have made a HUGE difference in the world that I would not call pointless. They have consoled the inconsolable, helped the poor and brought about massive world change through their goodness and humility. Why not focus on the good things the world has to offer. You say we are no different from animals and yet we have an unparallelled capacity as humans for compassion, empathy and hope, and, in contrast, for evil as well. But why not be one of the good guys who makes a positive difference in the world, as opposed to someone who sits around complaining about it? You say you are a prisoner? Are there bars on the windows? Go out and seek help at a shelter for the abused if you really want to escape your parents' grasp. It won't be easy, but at least you'll be doing SOMETHING. You've already stated that suicide is relatively pointless because you believe yourself to be trapped in the hands of fate. So why bother? If you are going to die, you will die, but in the meantime you might as well live and take a leap into the unknown.
  7. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    So no-one could get hurt by it, this thread is being temporarily closed
    while the staff discuss it .

    Once the staff have discussed this thread amongst themselves, then it will, probably, be re-opened.

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