ATTENTION: SHOULD THE THE FOLLOWING BE A VIOLATION OF THE TERMS I WILL REMOVE IT. I DON'T CENSOR MYSELF AND IT WOULD BE POINTLESS TO HIDE ANYTHING IF I'M TRULY SEEKING HELP. First let me start by saying that I'm not going to bitch about how, "My home is too well built" or "I have to much food too eat". To complain about the actual quality of my life would be hypocritical. I've always had a roof over my head, and food in my stomach. I wasn't raped or abused <mod edit:shygirl>. I wasn't sent to prison, or lost my job. As I said before, this case is different. To set the stage: Ok grades 2-6, shitty but not bad. I had an okay childhood even though I was pushed around all the time by children who would always be older than me due to my skipping of the 1st grade. But whatever. 7th grade and I go to a new school. Right away things start out shitty. I'm spit on, made fun of, had my personal property destroyed or stolen, whipped, and beaten on almost a daily basis. All while the teachers do nothing. 8th grade is even worse. I start getting all F's for not turning in my work. Why? Because the work was bullshit and the teachers didn't give a crap about the fact that I had this shit happening to me everyday. But then one day I start working hard again despite the bullshit. I get all C's and it looks like things are going to turn around. I even get a fucking award! Then my science teacher starts marking my tests wrong. Writing things like "good job" and scribbling it out or giving me poor grades on technicalities. So I ask myself "Why am I even bothering?" My grades sink again. A few weeks before graduation and I'm practicing tennis in the auditorium. And as the teacher walks out 2 students come up and attack me with rackets. When I say attack, I mean they're trying to beat me unconscious. I run out (being surprisingly fast for my age). The same student walks over and starts picking a fight with me. After a few back and forths I snap and get him in a headlock. Though my sudden victory is cut short by a sharp pain in the back of my head as a rock is sent ricocheting off my skull. 3 of his friends come over and proceed to step on my head, and kick me in the face. This was my last day. No friends. No loves. No graduation. So after I left school at the age of 13 I was confined to my room. I was allowed no contact with people or indeed allowed to leave my room do to my psychotic parents. Seems like not that big deal I'll admit. But this means no life. For the past seven years I wake up, sit at my computer, eat and go to bed. Everyday. No job. No friends. I can't move away. I have no one to stay with. I have no car, no money. You know what I have? Owners. Two owners who have arranged for me to be stuck in my room 24/7. "It's not safe out there! Bad people will get you!" I'm not a fucking idiot. I can think for myself. But while this insane isolation has given me time to research things it has left me feeling very suicidal. But don't think it's about coping. That I "just can't deal with this life". No, I just don't see the point. Unlike the rest of you, I know what happens when we die. I know about God and I know how worthless life actually is. No one cares about you me or anyone else. Now my hesitation is apparent as I am, in fact writing this. This is because I have no means to obtain a gun and go out in the way I wish. My only real option is to slit my wrists despite the fact that that's really more of a womanly thing to do, statistically speaking. But I fear, even that I wouldn't end my life through... You see, I have tested a theory about death. That we are set to die at a specific time and location. Why? Because all events happen, are happening, and will happen as they are supposed to. Think of no time. All events occurred at once, fixed in fate. Even if our death IS suicide, it is fated before we decide to do so. One can not cheat fate. I first became suspicious of this when I noticed that the two times I had drowned as a child left me mysteriously alive. I recall nothing after blacking out except waking up out of the water not knowing how I had gotten there and both times, no one saw or intervened. Recently I put this theory to the test. I hung myself. The first time my finger started to spray blood on to the carpet for no reason. The second, the cord became untied. Something will always happen. Obviously, unless your afflicted with a similar mental condition such as myself, I doubt that you will hear anything above the general noise or rantings of someone "looking for help". Which is half way true, I am looking for help. Something I over looked. But it's pretty air tight from what I can see. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I say there is no point is for two reasons. The first being that God is not a being, and has no interaction with us. Thus no divine justice (no matter how much I wish there was). Proof? I've seen people burned, tortured, stabbed, shot, frozen, mutilated, electrocuted, stoned, exploded, heads shot off, heads cut off, heads smashed, limbs removed, on and on and on. BUT! IT IS IMPORTANT TO MAKE CLEAR THAT I AM REFERING TO MY RESEARCH AND THAT I DID NOT DO THESE THINGS WHEN I SPEAK OF ACTS OF TORTURE AND HOMICIDE. Suffice to say, the atrocities of man are far worse than anyone can know. Which is probably why I have so many headaches. I see the world in such and ugly truthful clarity. Unlike the rest of you disgusting humans, I don't turn a blind eye to the truth just because it's unplesent. There is a phrase that always stays with me, that always wakes me up to these facts. When referring to the nature of Eric Harris, post Columbine, a psychologist stated, "a psychopath feels the same amount of remorse for their victims as a normal person does in carving a thanksgiving day turkey". This one statement is a willful trigger, that makes apparent, all the hypocritical views of the so called "sane". For you see there is no difference. I'm no animal activist. I'm vegan because I find the consumption of cow excretions and rendered animal tissue displeasing despite the deceptive taste. I see no difference in people or animals. We are all animals. To think humans are in some way superior or more worthy of existence is laughable. You say murder is evil. If I joined the ARMY I'd be payed and given medals to murder. Police men kill. Life is not sacred no matter how much we trick ourselves into believing it is. We kill cows and chickens... Because we are hungry. We kill deer... Because it's fun and because were hungry. We kill insects... Because they're pests. We kill people... Because they're pests, and because it's fun. Not to mention the fact that nothing we do matters. My house will turn to dust. If I have kids they will grow old and die. If I work hard on a drawing or writing it will be destroyed or forgotten. To think we will live forever is truly insane. The Earth is a spec of dust. The life of humans, simply bacterial in size, worth, and importance. My life included. That's reason one. Reason two. Even if I could turn a blind eye to the many MANY horrible things I know, I would still be stuck with no life to live. It's funny to see so many people shouting that their life is over because they lost their job or their girlfriend left them. Funny, because there are so many horrible things in this world that would make you beg for that pain as it would be a welcomed relief. It's not that I can't take life anymore. I can. It's, what's the point? If I don't matter, if I can't be with the one person who has ever listened to me or in fact achieve any of the pointless goals I want in this life... What's the fucking point? And what? Work and break my back for 60 fucking years for some ass hole only to just get by, retire and die 5 years later an ugly old man? "If you know for sure that you can not feel happy in your life anymore and the reasons amass from day to day, you do not have another choice than to escape from this life." I know what awaits me after death and I don't fear it. There's no heaven or hell no matter what we do. So, if anyone can mention something I've overlooked I'd be more than happy to give you some degree of my attention.