everything in your life is a struggle..each and every day i get up and i feel like i have to fight a war with the society. whereas some other people seem to love their lives. verily, social skills and status meaning everything nowadays. I am 21 and still unable to function in society - it's not a mere `feeling'; experience proves that I am unable to function in society any more. There are lot of things good in my life but can't feel good or enjoy them because of my sad mindset. I focus only on negativity because I think the good things in my life are pointless anyway. I can't remember any time in my life where I had a good reputation for anything.Always people laughed at my antics. As it happens, I've never really been able to function in society - I've always been an outcast, always thrust to the edges of any group, never accepted by most, only ever `barely tolerated by a few kind folk'. I've never learnt how to socialize, I've never learnt how to get on with people, social situations terrify me, and I am generally incapable of figuring out what the hell's going on or how to engage with people, interpret a social situation, and so on. Always terrorized by others. People always referred to me as a "psycho", "no-count", "freak", "pervert" etc. I have locked myself in my room for nearly 3 years and live in a fantasy world where nothing is bothering me even though the harsh truth is that people are spreading rumors(most are true) and laughing at me in the real world. Slowly every one will know about my past. It has really crippled me for my whole life and I am 100% sure that I will never ever recover. I will always remain a recluse and a lonely person; Actually, I like remaining like this. Right now, I have been working at an IT company for the last 24 days where it seems nobody knows me(or may be one day my past will be out) and out of fear I refuse to talk to anyone. I just stare at my monitor and do my work for 8 hours. I don't indulge in any social interaction(even hide my face while walking home and avoid the lighted areas.There is a main road in front of my building where most people are taking a walk or something but I never take that path; I take a route behind my building which is dark and there's no one around. A few people saw me there and grin at me when they see me. I also avoid sharing lift with others.) and my day actually begins at 8 PM when I finally reach my house. I really love those 3-4 hours at home. That's my only enjoyment. I don't talk to any one and sometimes I feel like crying and curse at god because I wasn't born normal. It's no wonder at all that I tend to identify with characters like Norman Bates from the Psycho movie. I feel very much like him. I'm so fascinated by his character that I see the movie over and over again. Not that I admire his killings or anything but just the similarity I see in my character and his. My mother says she will get me a girl by the age of 27-28 which actually terrifies me because I don't want to marry any one. How can I marry a girl ? I just want to live alone for my whole life.
What is the point in living if
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I sometimes think that as well, no actually I think of that most of the time. Life really is shit and I don't see a happy future. I spent 13 years of my life sat in front of a monitor for 8 hours a day also. I looked at the clock on the wall, the clock on the corner of the computer, on my mobile and on my watch. Wishing the day away, wishing the week away etc etc. I don't see myself as having any friends, only acquaintances. Truth be told, I don't care for them anyway. Quite worryingly if I don't succeed in offing myself (3rd time lucky) I see myself behind bars. I have an anger against all humanity for making me bipolar and making my life turn out shit. In essence, I suppose what I am trying to say is, whatever you decide to do, make the bastards pay. I certainly will.
fuck man
i can see my future in you
i do exactly the same things you said(especially watching the computer clock) and i go outside for 7-8 tea brakes because i just can't fucking stand being a room with people for more than an hour. i feel people are spying on me.
i actually look on the calendar for saturday/sunday/other holidays and i long for them but it just doesn't happen.
then i feel sad. what am i doing ? i want to spend most time of my life with my parents and loved ones but at the same time i am just trying to count each and every day living in fear. i keep a record of working days and feel happy as each day passes. i calculate the percentage of days i have spent and makes me even more happy. is this what i want to do for whole life ? what's the reward ? money? money doesn't solve any problems in life. is there any paradise after the pain ? no then better kill myself right now.
i also think sometimes that i am suited to becoming a criminal and nothing else. my teachers taunted me saying the same thing in school. there is no place for sociopaths in the civilized world.
i can see my future in you
i do exactly the same things you said(especially watching the computer clock) and i go outside for 7-8 tea brakes because i just can't fucking stand being a room with people for more than an hour. i feel people are spying on me.
i actually look on the calendar for saturday/sunday/other holidays and i long for them but it just doesn't happen.
then i feel sad. what am i doing ? i want to spend most time of my life with my parents and loved ones but at the same time i am just trying to count each and every day living in fear. i keep a record of working days and feel happy as each day passes. i calculate the percentage of days i have spent and makes me even more happy. is this what i want to do for whole life ? what's the reward ? money? money doesn't solve any problems in life. is there any paradise after the pain ? no then better kill myself right now.
i also think sometimes that i am suited to becoming a criminal and nothing else. my teachers taunted me saying the same thing in school. there is no place for sociopaths in the civilized world.
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