Hi. My name is Crystal and I'm 19 years old. I was in college. I shared a house with a roommate. I had a job. Now I have nothing. I live with my parents and have no income nor money to go to college. I got out of anything I was doing. It became too much for me too handle and I backed out. I am now backing away from friends and family members yet loneliness is a major cause of my depression. I was diagnosed as bipolar over the summer and it has helped shed some light on why I go through the things I do; being impulsive, reckless, irritable, can't sleep, racing thoughts, etc. I also have horrible anxiety which sometimes keeps me from going out of my house or even my room. I hate what's going on with me. Meds aren't working. Doctors feed me the same lines of crap and it's just ridiculous. I'm doing the right thing by searching for help but noone seems to be able to help me. THat's why I'm here. At least to just talk with others who share my problems. I feel that nothing is going right. There is nothing on this earth for me. I have written my own book dealing with my depression and bipolar problems so I feel I have fulfilled my only purpose. No one seems interested in me to date. Friends get tired of me flaking out on them. And I don't blame them. I don't know. I have been very suicidal lately. It's always on my mind. I'm so close to doing it it's not even funny. The only thing stopping me is my family who are always around. But when they are asleep and I can't sleep it's a different story. Then I'm all alone in my hell. That's what it feels like anyway. I cut myself. Just enough to see blood then I stop because I know if i dont I will go all the way. It's so hard. I'm so tired and can't sleep and I'm afraid of overdosing on sleeping pills. I pass my time writing, watching tv, working out, reading when I can concentrate and playing video games. I feel I have nothing to give to this world, like I'm not contributing anything and that I am just a waste. I can't work. I can't do anything because I nearly have panic attacks. It's horrible and I hope no one else has to feel this way. It's so lonely. Family and friends don't understand me and distance themselves from me or call me lazy. That makes me feel like it's a knife to the heart. I feel worthless. Unloveable. A disgrace. This is me at my worst and I hate it. So much!!!