If it were as easy as a light switch, I would turn it off. It is already on dim, and it is turned all the way down...
I have spent my life trying to please others. I am a validation junkie. I absolutely hate myself -- what little I know of my true self. I have to be the best at everything I do, which is a recipe for failure. Either I am not the best, and I then feel horrific for sucking so terribly; or I edge out everyone else and I am an ass.
I had a gorgeous family, beautiful boys, new cars, toys, executive job. It was all a facade. My marriage sucked. I couldn't even tell her who I was. I held my deepest fears, regrets, hopes, and desires in secret for fear of ridicule -- as the few times I did open up, that is what happened. In her words, I am weak, needy, pathetic, and disgusting. This from a woman who talks down to others, about others, and who truly believes she is better than everyone around her. My sons will be raised by her; she is getting the majority of all parenting time. My sons are confused and struggling as she has Cluster B Narcissism and Borderline tendencies. If I couldn't hack it around her, imagine how those two little boys are doing.
In the last 15 years, I have looked everywhere for something, some way to escape; drugs, computer gaming, gambling, spending money, traveling, women. In the last year or so, I screwed up in having an affair, and now the facade has crumbled around me. The house is sold, the lawyers are chewing up everything. I get to "visit my kids". Now my marriage is to my job, as it is the only stable element in my life. This is sad, as this company could care less about me. Despite 2.5 years of phenomenal work, I am one failed project away from being canned.
Yes, I am an idiot for cheating. There is no excuse for it, and it only adds to my shame-based thinking and self-loathing.
My ex (or soon to be) has reminded me a few times that my net worth is much more dead due to my life insurance policies.
The question I ask myself 100 times a day is whether or not my kids would be better off without me. If so, I should flip the switch.
I have spent my life trying to please others. I am a validation junkie. I absolutely hate myself -- what little I know of my true self. I have to be the best at everything I do, which is a recipe for failure. Either I am not the best, and I then feel horrific for sucking so terribly; or I edge out everyone else and I am an ass.
I had a gorgeous family, beautiful boys, new cars, toys, executive job. It was all a facade. My marriage sucked. I couldn't even tell her who I was. I held my deepest fears, regrets, hopes, and desires in secret for fear of ridicule -- as the few times I did open up, that is what happened. In her words, I am weak, needy, pathetic, and disgusting. This from a woman who talks down to others, about others, and who truly believes she is better than everyone around her. My sons will be raised by her; she is getting the majority of all parenting time. My sons are confused and struggling as she has Cluster B Narcissism and Borderline tendencies. If I couldn't hack it around her, imagine how those two little boys are doing.
In the last 15 years, I have looked everywhere for something, some way to escape; drugs, computer gaming, gambling, spending money, traveling, women. In the last year or so, I screwed up in having an affair, and now the facade has crumbled around me. The house is sold, the lawyers are chewing up everything. I get to "visit my kids". Now my marriage is to my job, as it is the only stable element in my life. This is sad, as this company could care less about me. Despite 2.5 years of phenomenal work, I am one failed project away from being canned.
Yes, I am an idiot for cheating. There is no excuse for it, and it only adds to my shame-based thinking and self-loathing.
My ex (or soon to be) has reminded me a few times that my net worth is much more dead due to my life insurance policies.
The question I ask myself 100 times a day is whether or not my kids would be better off without me. If so, I should flip the switch.
