What is the point

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SillyOldBear, Nov 1, 2014.

  1. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    What is the point of this life? I struggle to find work. To keep a roof over my head. To keep warm. To find anything worthwhile to get up for. I go through all the motions that I have been taught to follow. But all that remains is a meaningless, endless struggle. I am terrified of the future. Of poverty. Ill health. Pain. Continued emptiness. Death has tremendous appeal. I go to bed each night, hoping not to wake up. But I keep waking up. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy. I expect that once I was, but it was so long ago. Sadness has simply overwhelmed the memory of it. I don't know if it can ever be recaptured. Not sure I would recognize it if it hit me in the face. Such is life.
     
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am sorry everything is so hard for you :hug: - I think that looking for a point is futile... you have to create the 'point' for yourself. Only you can really decide what the point is and if there doesn't seem to be one, then that is when things get hard I think - because then you have to find the energy and motivation to make one. And the overwhelming characteristic of depression is that energy and motivation are in precious short supply.

    I don't know if you are seeing a doctor and getting treatment for depression, but it would be good, I think, to talk to the dr about this. Medication does not fix our lives but it does give us the needed respite to create our own point.

    Take care - you are important :hug:
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are important and NEVER FORGET THAT. I am so sorry that you are suffering today. Please keep posting for the love and care you deserve. Xx
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    As long as there is roof over your head, some food/warmth, sometimes we take the littlest things for granted that we have that many others dont have. I'm struggling myself seeing my future as I'm disabled and soon will have to stop working because of my mental illiness taking its course and see myself being in the poverty level living off my disability. I'm seeing my future as a bleak and understand how hard it is to wake up knowing youre still alive going through each day day after day of this existence. I'm trying to remind myself everyday its the little things I have that I'm blessed with that homeless people who are struggling dont have.
     
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Freya, you are so right. It is up to each person to find their own point for living. Guess I have never really found one. And that usually is not a concern. But when things get difficult, it rears its ugly head. My pastor would be most disappointed in me and my lack of a point in life.

    Drowned, thank you for sharing your situation. Although I really wish it were different for you. I had a high school teacher who always talked about how 'little things mean a lot'. And they do. I like to look out my bedroom window at night and see Orion's Belt (when its not cloudy). I love cuddling with my favorite teddy bear under a warm blanket. I am grateful for what I have. Many times I have walked by the homeless. Sleeping on the streets, under any doorstep they can find, pitching tents if they are lucky enough to have one. I think of John Steinbeck's books about the depression. How destitute people were...and how so many still found some joy in their lives. Maybe I should reread some Steinbeck. I hope you are able to work longer then you expect to and put off poverty for years. No one should have to live in poverty.

    Incrisis, thank you for your response and kind words of encouragement.
     
  6. DireNeedofHelp

    DireNeedofHelp New Member

    Old Bear, so much of what you said resonated with me. Particularly not wanting to wake up, yet doing so day after day after endless day. A few months ago, I was in a much better place. I had gotten accepted to two nursing programs after working so hard to achieve this. I then found out that I did not have enough money to cover tuition, so now I sit in my apartment alone trying to figure out what to do. I see a therapist and am on Kolonopin. I recently started to drink which is a passive aggressive way of killing myself. Everyone (friends and family) just thinks I should get over it. If only if it were that easy. I am a 50 year old man. The world adores youth. I have gained weight and am approaching obesity. Not sure why I threw that in except to say that I am not the 23 year old with the world in his grasp. No joy in my life. I am sober for five years from crystal meth, but boy would I love to get high right now. Just to escape. And not feel.
     
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Wow Dire. The idea of not feeling has so much appeal. There are a few times that I go numb, but they are too brief.

    I think you deserve congratulations for being accepted at 2 nursing programs. That, in itself, is an accomplishment. Don't they have financial aid available. Or have they decided that 50 year olds dont qualify. I am 62 by the way. So I know what it is like to live in a world where only youth is valued. Do you live in USA? Sometimes employment security will help out with tuition. I gather friends and family won't help, or you are reluctant to ask them.

    I understand obesity. Have been obese all my life. I take a great solace in feeding my face. Don't usually drink though. Alcoholism runs in the family so I fear it. Please be careful with both the booze and eating.

    And do start exploring financial aid options. Talk to the schools. If they don't offer it, they may know someone who does. We need nurses in this world. And it takes a special person to be one.