What is the point?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by L108935, Jun 2, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. L108935

    L108935 Well-Known Member

    :poo: <--wow that's cool.
    Anyway, my life is just a virus. A perfect circle. I am the host of this virus, and it will go away once I, the host, die as well.
    My life is just stupid. Nothing bad happening. Actually, there's really nothing happening. I'm just a stupid 16 year old kid who likes attention. But seriously, I don't see any point to this circle, this life. I wake up at 5am, work out for an hour to get some endorphins to last through the day, go to school, restrain my thoughts, come home and do homework, and repeat. Some people say that you should just wait until something good happens.
    I have happy times, or kind of manic times. But it's just stupid. All the simple things in life that everyone says I should appreciate are just pointless. Why should I care? I'm gonna die anyway.

    So why do I live? What is the point? Every day just recreates itself, and nothing gets done. It just continues forever. I mean, I do things that are different each day, such as climbing buildings. But, I don't have any real friends that I can actually talk to about myself. No one cares about me really. It's all just a lie. It's to trick me into living. And it all starts over again. I think of dying and killing myself all the time. There is nothing great about being lonely. No one really cares for me. I keep obsessing over random people all the time, but I end up losing all my feelings for them right when things get good.

    Everything just repeats.

    I mean, let's make a batch file here.
    @echo off
    echo Wake up
    echo Go to school
    echo Think of killing myself
    echo Hold my thoughts in my mind
    echo Lock myself in my head
    echo Sleep
    echo Dream of stuff that can never happen to me
    goto :Life
    That's my routine. I try to be spontaneous, but nothing works. I'm never truly happy. I'm not needed either. I mean, I could just wait until I finish high school and then become a Marine, but I don't want to wait. I doubt anything will ever get better. Why don't I just die now, cuz I'm gonna die anyway? My life is a virus. It is a perfect circle. And there is no point that I can see.

    So, what's the point?
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I see that you are humorous, bright and engaging..which are attributes many ppl would want in a friend...try to break the cycle by meeting one person with whom you can share...you are worth this!!! big hugs, J
  3. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Yeah I SOOOO agree with Sadeyes. You seem soooo creative and smart. You do code? How does ANYONE do that? But I know how you feel (AH do you HATE that) But lots of people do feel this way to a greater or lesser quantity. You just have to try reduce the time you feel like this. Distract yourself with one thing pleasant you haven't done in ages?... good luck
  4. L108935

    L108935 Well-Known Member

    Thanks peoples.
    I just need someone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2009
  5. L108935

    L108935 Well-Known Member

    Actually, I forgot to mention this.
    I strongly believe I have borderline personality disorder. I used to think I had bipolar 2, but now I know otherwise.

    When I meet a girl I like, sometimes I talk to her about everything that goes on in my mind (suicide related stuff). But then, I end up thinking nothing of that person right when we start to be really good friends. And then I stop talking to her, and then I find a new girl to obsess about. This is what I mean about viruses. It just repeats itself over and over. It won't stop. I mean, maybe if I just magically healed from this disorder, I'd have potential of being happy, but I think I'd need medication for that. And for me to get that treatment, I'd need to see a psychiatrist.

    Here we go again with my viral life:
    I've seen 3 psychiatrists before, all required by my schools for me to be allowed to stay in school. I lied my way back to school, and I got no meds or anything. I got exactly what I didn't want. But hey, I don't want my parents or brother knowing that I've wanted to kill myself for the past 2 and a half years.

    I'm just not sure where to go from here. Should I just wait for high school to end, move out, and see a psychiatrist on my own? I mean, that'd be okay, but I could never be a Soldier or Marine who needs meds. It's stupid. Then, I just become a bum or something. I'm not good at anything except for mechanics and shooting. School is just too hard for me. I just don't have the attention span or tolerance for doing well in school. I mean :poo: all the time. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
  6. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    You certainly don't come across as someone who is stupid. Rather you seem to be thoughtful and intelligent. Try to think of things more as a spiral than a circle and in time things may change. Pm me if you ever need to chat. Best wishes.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.