I really am unsure. When I sit here, and stay still... I see and feel no point in anything. Communities, personal expression... freedom... peace... It fades when I start typing or doing something. Like a fleeting deep reality I can't quite wrap my own head around. Sometimes I feel it's about making something out of what you have, or expressing yourself to experience life outside of yourself and express yourself in that life. Sharing life. But.. everything is a fleeting moment. It's temporary. It comes, it goes. You can maintain it, feed it, even enhance and grow with it. But what is that? There's other stuff outside of that, no matter what. So is it selective direction? Obviously yes. I take comfort in thinking.. but nothing I think about seems to matter. Nothing I comprehend I can even hope to touch with.. and when I start to truly take things into consideration.. they're all impossible. And even if they were possible.. everyone is nuts. I don't trust the expression and invasisness of people. Why should I pretend and live well? Why should I lie to myself and accept my benifits of life... what for. I could never do anything well.. I can barely do anything for more than a few moments now. I just feel so tired. but i snap myself out of this because you all do day to day things and then so much more amazing things. Or atleast try. You endure and shut up about it. You just take it... Not my place to comment... Idk.. I feel trapped or nullified for some reason. Completely alive but like an anti-life. This isn't what real life is about. I feel almost restricted into a bubble of nothingness. So I beg myself the question what is the point for someone like me who has no skills no discipline no intelligence no physical structure no commitment no.. nothing. I feel like everything I grew up with that I developed, expanded, believed in, .. it's all retracted... to this. Where nothing matters, where it all matters, but it doesn't matter. Until I make it matter. But that makes no sense. That's chosing to make and live my life. What happened? Idk why I see nothing possible for me. I just want to sleep forever. But thats even worse.... Maybe somethings in my head are crushing the lighter side of things? But they exist.. . so again is it selective? Or is it supposed to be a gradual side of things and perhaps im out of my league? Perhaps Im too immature to comprehend these things at this particular moment in time? ... give up some more . Whittle down some more... lose some more... compromise some more... Fail some more.. Forget some more... Oh it's alright son. It's alright... Be happy... Why.... why ..... why. Trust me, talking about it helps me re-affirm things. But what is coming out is such a waste.. i cant stand how its coming out. I cant stand being this waste of a life. I can't stand being this useless. I cant stand seeing all this shit and ... I cant stand being this shit. I can't stand being so god damn useless. I cant stand any of this.... I just ... even in that. Useful? for what? Capable? for what? To maintain a balance? A balance of what? For what? What sort of ideaologies am I accepting? For what purpose? What language have I decided to breath in today.. was it yesterdays? Is it tomorrows? What is the point of this expression. What is the point in what I am doing and trying to do. What fucking chains do I need to accept just to reach a level of... I love how much time has been wasted. Ive learned nothing socially even since ive been here. Ive lost more than anything.. atleast my dreams were there, unhindered by reality. Now... now i just see how pathetic this system is. And even in that.. if it was perfect.. for what? Id be too stupid to do anything in it. I dont have a point.. i am absolutely useless. everythings becoming 1. big...mass. Like maybe how it all started. Maybe that's my only and last freedom. Eventually... but not today. Not now I think.. drugs will defiantly be something before then. Something to liberate myself from myself which contradicts being yourself. Lying to myself more, just to breath more. idk... I wish .. i cant even wish for somethign better because i dont know what better is. I feel very confused.. and im tired of being interfered with.. Idk why im posting this. Maybe im just angry at life.. trying to free myself from this frustration, so I can accept this is how life exists in this particular form. It's neither good, nor bad... it's what it is.. the emphasis is not mine to understand, but those who live it and experience it. God now I just feel numb. Atleast I felt something a moment ago before I started writing... now its all just.. like a self created lifeboat of numbnes that'll last until I shake myself out of it. This isn't right...why ... icant even make anything useful out of how I feel about my own life or suicide. Not when I have trouble connecting with anyone or anything.. whats the point? Id just be injecting a warped and twisted perception into those whom have worked hard and breathed their lives and are making the best of it as they can. I just stay away from people. I get overwhelmed by the loud sounds and ideas and flows... i just want to dissolve and fly... but at the sametime.. i wish I was something. I just wish I wished that all the time. It's always a fleeting moment... i forget. I hate forgetting. It's the worst thing ever. Especially when I don't even know it exists. So much doesn't exist.. I know it.. but it exists.. i just can't remember.. or connect... 7 years of bitching... this is just like still water. but im sure i wasnt this bad before. Living isn't being alone...nor is it accepting my "place". I dont want to fight.. and I can seriously find fights.. all over...but again.. it's only to level a playing field. And for what point? To stop abuse? To stop ignorance? Meh.. not my fight. Donno what the point of me is. Makes dying just..