What Is the Right Way to Respond to Something Unchangeable?

[may71]

I made this thread so that a discussion that started on another thread can continue without going too far off topic on another thread. It will also make it easier for other members to find this topic if they are interested.

Why do you need a positive perspective on negative things you can't change?

I don't think one is obligated to have a positive perspective on negative things. In some cases, one may simply need to have negative emotions, at least for a while.

Personally, there are some things that I have to just be angry about for a while. However, if I start recycling every negative memory that I have from years ago, and just think about how wrong and unfair it is, the outcome is really only that I just get angry and depressed.

Another option that I've been able to cultivate is to imagine that these things were just burning away negative karma, and that they were actually beneficial to me. It's not that I know there is karma/past lives/etc., but by entertaining the notion that it so, I'm definitely calmer and more happy. Maybe some people will feel like they are achieving something by being angry, but after years of just stewing in negative emotions, I've come to the conclusion that getting angry is just spinning my wheels, and it's generally better for me to focus on imaging these events as benefiting me.

Additionally convincing yourself that bad things are good is how people lose trust in their own perception and lose feeling of ownership in their life

I don't think it's necessarily like that.

There's definitely such a thing as gaslighting, where an abuser will try to get their victim to believe that abuse that happened didn't happen, but that's a different kettle of fish. If you're in the middle of an abusive relationship, there's something that you can change about that, so taking action is reasonable. I'm also not advocating imaging that a painful event didn't happen, or that the motive of the one who did a hurtful thing was not selfish or malicious. Rather, once a negative event has occurred, and it's clear that you can't change it, one has the option to imagine it to be beneficial.

Personally, I don't have any feelings of loss from doing this. It may not be an approach that works for everyone, but maybe for some people it's an easy way to make things better, pretty much instantly.

 

[capitalism]

I made this thread so that a discussion that started on another thread can continue without going too far off topic on another thread. It will also make it easier for other members to find this topic if they are interested.


I don't think one is obligated to have a positive perspective on negative things. In some cases, one may simply need to have negative emotions, at least for a while.

Personally, there are some things that I have to just be angry about for a while. However, if I start recycling every negative memory that I have from years ago, and just think about how wrong and unfair it is, the outcome is really only that I just get angry and depressed.

Another option that I've been able to cultivate is to imagine that these things were just burning away negative karma, and that they were actually beneficial to me. It's not that I know there is karma/past lives/etc., but by entertaining the notion that it so, I'm definitely calmer and more happy. Maybe some people will feel like they are achieving something by being angry, but after years of just stewing in negative emotions, I've come to the conclusion that getting angry is just spinning my wheels, and it's generally better for me to focus on imaging these events as benefiting me.


I don't think it's necessarily like that.

There's definitely such a thing as gaslighting, where an abuser will try to get their victim to believe that abuse that happened didn't happen, but that's a different kettle of fish. If you're in the middle of an abusive relationship, there's something that you can change about that, so taking action is reasonable. I'm also not advocating imaging that a painful event didn't happen, or that the motive of the one who did a hurtful thing was not selfish or malicious. Rather, once a negative event has occurred, and it's clear that you can't change it, one has the option to imagine it to be beneficial.

Personally, I don't have any feelings of loss from doing this. It may not be an approach that works for everyone, but maybe for some people it's an easy way to make things better, pretty much instantly.

I have some things that I still regret and feel shame about like they just happened but when I think about them I tell myself that thinking doesn't change anything for me and for other people and purposefully distract myself. I know the issue of my reaction is not resolved but I'd rather keep it unresolved and avoid bringing it up until I'm ready to deal with it rather than convince myself that it was something good or just which is not true. I don't understand why people equate not painting something in positive light to constantly thinking, obsessing, punishing yourself for something or stewing in negative emotions.
As for the second part, I'm not talking about abusers. People don't need abusers to lie to themselves every day, to accept that black is white, to accept that someone else's decisions and choices are their own. All of these little lies add up and then people realize that they didn't even live their own life when they hit 50.

 

[seabird]

one has the option to imagine it to be beneficial.

You are using the word 'beneficial' to mean, for example, a stimulus which goads you to take action to self advocate or seek help or other action? Otherwise, in the absense of doing something about an abusive situation, one would be living under a kind of fantasy but extremely damaging one.

 

[may71]

when I think about them I tell myself that thinking doesn't change anything for me and for other people and purposefully distract myself

I think that's a good way to respond if it works for you.

I don't understand why people equate not painting something in positive light to constantly thinking, obsessing, punishing yourself for something or stewing in negative emotions.

A lot of people do that though, and I've been one of them. Just frequently replaying memories of negative events in my mind and being angry and resentful of them.

All of these little lies add up and then people realize that they didn't even live their own life when they hit 50

Something has to be not true to be a lie. I don't know that negative experiences will prove to be a blessing, but neither can I say I know with certainty that they are a curse.

I can entertain the possibility that negative experiences will turn out to be beneficial. Entertaining a possibility is not a lie. What do I really know?

One could say the Eastern notions of karma and past lives are all a lie. Conversely, one could claim that the conventional notion of no karma and no past lives is a lie. Can anyone prove definitively that one is true and the other not? My view is that one can choose to have faith in either, and there is no one way that is indesputable.

Personally, I feel like revisiting so many negative experiences with such resentment for so long was the thing to be regretted.

In any case, the title of this thread was meant to be a real question. For myself, I feel like I've found the answer, but I also think that one size does not necessarily fit all.

 

[may71]

Otherwise, in the absense of doing something about an abusive situation, one would be living under a kind of fantasy but extremely damaging one.

An important distinction is that I'm talking about things that are in the past that one can't change.

Like let's say I got attacked by a bear. I'm not suggesting that as I'm being attacked by a bear, I say, "Hey, maybe being attacked by a bear is good". If I could fight or get away, it's reasonable to think that should be my priority.

It's also reasonable to think that I should take measures to make sure I don't get attacked by a bear again.

But lets also say I spent every day for 30 years remembering the bear attack, flying into a rage, and thinking "G** D*** that f******* bear!"

I might simply need to be angry about the bear attack for a while, even a few years, but if it becomes clear that my only options are to fly into a rage daily, or to imagine that the bear attack actually cleared away some bad karma that I'm now free of, I feel like the second option is better.

There may be a third option of distraction, as Capitalism suggested, or even options beyond that.

There are probably some things that are so intense that one simply has to be forever angered by them when they are remembered. I think my new approach at least works (for me) for the smaller stuff.

 

[seabird]

I see the distinction now. I should've read more carefully. : )
I agree; and with the idea of distraction being pragmatic too, like closing a chapter or book. It's not simply getting one's mind temporarily free of trauma (though there's nothing wrong with that) but with the potential of other thoughts and activities which help support and define a new stage of one's life.

@may71 I appreciate the thoughts in the thread, because there are several past events in my life, the memories which still cause me some emotional distress and struggle.

 

[capitalism]

I think that's a good way to respond if it works for you.


A lot of people do that though, and I've been one of them. Just frequently replaying memories of negative events in my mind and being angry and resentful of them.

Something has to be not true to be a lie. I don't know that negative experiences will prove to be a blessing, but neither can I say I know with certainty that they are a curse.

I can entertain the possibility that negative experiences will turn out to be beneficial. Entertaining a possibility is not a lie. What do I really know?

One could say the Eastern notions of karma and past lives are all a lie. Conversely, one could claim that the conventional notion of no karma and no past lives is a lie. Can anyone prove definitively that one is true and the other not? My view is that one can choose to have faith in either, and there is no one way that is indesputable.

Personally, I feel like revisiting so many negative experiences with such resentment for so long was the thing to be regretted.

In any case, the title of this thread was meant to be a real question. For myself, I feel like I've found the answer, but I also think that one size does not necessarily fit all.

I never felt like a memory/past event is either a blessing or a curse, or tried to connect it to the unknown future. The past is in the past and there's nothing more to it. The entirety of the unpleasantness is the reaction to memory itself, but there's like no moral judgement or prognosis.
Knowing the future is impossible so you can just as well tell yourself that if a bad thing didn't happen to you then in another possibility you'd just get run over by a car therefore the bad thing should have happened, but I don't see the point of even stepping into trying to guess the ultimately unknown

 

[Winslow]

I have some things that I still regret and feel shame about like they just happened but when I think about them I tell myself that thinking doesn't change anything for me and for other people and purposefully distract myself. I know the issue of my reaction is not resolved but I'd rather keep it unresolved and avoid bringing it up until I'm ready to deal with it rather than convince myself that it was something good or just which is not true. I don't understand why people equate not painting something in positive light to constantly thinking, obsessing, punishing yourself for something or stewing in negative emotions.
As for the second part, I'm not talking about abusers. People don't need abusers to lie to themselves every day, to accept that black is white, to accept that someone else's decisions and choices are their own. All of these little lies add up and then people realize that they didn't even live their own life when they hit 50.

Actually in the Bible in Lamentations 3:38, it says "It is from God that comes both blessings AND adversities." Adversities refers to the Sufferings we all experience and which that Biblical verse says, comes from God. That is, suffering is to be expected--that is, if you believe in God.