What is There Left to Experience?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, May 24, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So today I have been sitting around wondering what have I experienced? Then I wonder what is there left to experience? Then that list becomes what is worth experiencing? When I throw the worth experiencing list out there suddenly there is nothing. The list is empty, when I think of this list suddenly all hope vanishes. Suddenly I wonder why I did not kill myself 2 months ago? Why am I still here? What is keeping me here?

    I need some help. What is worth sticking around for? If I can't find something my birthday will signal the end.
  2. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi. I don't know what you have experienced in life so far but I guess because you are here at the forum some of it must have been pretty grim. That's why most of us are here. There are though many things in life which are worth experiencing. PM me if you want a chat. Can't stay on now but I'll be back online later. Don't give up on things . Best wishes.
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @snowraven: What is something you think I should experience?
  4. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    You are experiencing It right now. Life. You don't have to travel places, get married, or have kids to experience life. Life Itself is an experience! Live for yourself, and live for the sake of humanity.I know life Is hard, but what you've endured In the past makes you a stronger person today(even if you disagree). Don't stop now! You may be troubled, but a permanent solution like suicide won't fix anything. The world Is losing too many people to suicide, and it would hurt to hear a precious being like you died. Sweetheart, please continue on living and try to get help in real life! :)
    If you'd like someone to talk to, please talk to me on my profile.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2010
  5. krb_well

    krb_well Member

    There's so much to experience out there. Life is the greatest experience. It's the greatest gift anyone could receive and we are lucky to have it. What is bothering you so much that you feel you can't go on? Life never gets boring. I'll admit that there are some pretty boring "days", but everyday is a new day that brings different experiences. I just got back in school and have learned so much in the last few weeks. It's made me think about things I never thought about...a new experience for me. I met new people. Some of them, I never would have talked to, but I do now. I tried this new tofu restaurant after thinking tofu sucks...now, I go back every other day. I started running on mon, wed and fri. I've kept it up and now my legs are getting pretty solid. Finally, my legs don't feel like jello so much--a new experience for me. I know these things seem small, but not every experience has to be great. What seems small to others is greatness in the eyes of many. I try to see the best in things.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Mari: The problem is I hate the two things I should live for. Plus with the current population it is hard to justify that life is precious to me. If anything the billions of humans who are around suggest life is worthless
  7. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    Every single person part of the current population Is precious. Don't quit now :( Did you try to get other forms of help?
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @krb_well: There are a few major things that make me not want to go on. A somewhat long story which is the main thing on my mind, PM me if you are really interested.

    The other problem I have is nothing brings me joy. All the stuff I did I used to love seems like a chore and nothing seems worth doing. Everything seems like a chore, no matter how much I want to do it.

    @Mari: I have not, I am stuck with two major problems.
    1. All other forms of help seem pointless nothing can just fix me. Nor will i get fixed easily.
    2. I have no idea how to go about getting help, nor do i knkw if i can afford it.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2010
  9. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    Then, the last form of help is seeking help from yourself. The only person who can get through to you Is yourself. Even if you do not want to cooperate with yourself, you should acknowledge you are the only reason of your feelings, sweetheart. It's up to you to change your feelings and life. Not others. I'm not saying you haven't tried, but please try harder. You will heal!
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Mari: I want to change and I am trying I just know that it is futile. In the end I won't get what I want. In the end I am still me. How long do I have to fight myself? How long do I have to suffer failure? A year 5 years 15 years 50 years? Why bother when I am going to struggle longer than I can enjoy my life? Why do I have to struggle while so many just prance through life with out a care in the world? What makes them so much more worthy of having what I want? What makes me be the target of misfortune?
  11. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    You sound exactly like my son. It's why I came to this forum - to try to gain some insight and some way to talk to him, to help him deal with his problems. But, I have read words like yours over and over again and I hear them every day in my own home. His favorite saying when we beg him to try is: "Why, in the end I'll still be me".

    What does that mean anyway? We are all just ourselves. We all have things about ourselves that we would love to wipe away. We all have insecurities and fears and self-doubt. We all know people who seemed to "get it all" and have life so easy. All you can play is the hand you were dealt. Just like in cards - if you don't like your hand, reshuffle, get some new cards. There are things we can improve. There are things we can learn, things we can try.

    I find the people who are most unhappy in life are the ones trying desperately to fit into a mold that they don't fit. My son spent years trying to be what he thought others would approve of and now he is alone. He ended up with no real personality of his own.

    Everyone has a right to live the life they want to as long as it's not hurting anyone else. If you live in a rural area - move to the city, try on something new. If you live in a place where you don't fit - move on. Go to the mountains, go to Alaska. Anywhere is better than the grave. Who cares how much money you make or if you finished school? Who cares if you live in a loft or a trailer - define happiness and freedom on your own terms. Screw the people who don't approve or who think there is something wrong with your choices.

    I wish so many of you could understand that it is YOUR journey and you don't owe anyone an explanation or apology. Live the life you were meant to and the rest will start falling into place. Everyone can spot when someone is awkward in their own skin. Don't take yourself so seriously and know that we all share in this kind of thinking. Even in Hollywood, the land of "perfect people" they have all had so much plastic surgery, wear tons of make - up, have air-brushed pictures and live in fear of being yesterday's news. No free rides for anyone, but those who are successful learn to push forward in spite of the little voices in their heads that tell them they aren't worthy. You are worthy.
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @charmane: I think in the end the problem is that I do not feel like I fit in anywhere. Even in groups people say I am a natural part of. In the end it seems like I have to change my entire way of thinking. In the end it seems like I have to become someone else to achieve what I want. I guess I hate myself now so why do I fight it? I suck, I just figure that I will suck in a different way if I change.

    You say play the hand I am dealt, well my hands have been shitty. You can only play with as much money as you have. I feel like I am at a point, where I can go into debt or I can fold and call it a night. The only difference is I have no way to make up what I lost.

    Yes this is my journey. However, when you are in the middle of a flight you cannot just jump out of the plane to start over. You have to land and get on another plane. Maybe I am just impatient, because I don't understand why I got on this plane. Maybe I am on a road and got stuck in a ditch. Who knows, all I know is that right now the time and effort required to make the change seem like they will only bear fruit when my life has passed me by.

    I know all people have insecurity. However, unlike most of these people I do not have anyone breaking those insecurities down. My insecurities are reinforced everyday with every failure. A car will only run for so long before it breaks down. If you cannot find the parts to fix it then how can you prevent that from happening?
  13. charmane

    charmane Well-Known Member

    So many of the people on this board are so young and so exhausted from the day to day demands of living a life that for them is just not working. I hear what you're telling me because I hear these words every day right in my own home. I do not accept them from my son because he can change planes if he wants to. We have offered him several different plans but they will all take a very big effort from him as big changes always do. Like you, he feels too exhausted and too discouraged to take the necessary steps to try and improve his situation. He also keeps saying that he was born with "crappy genetics" and he doesn't have the necessary "skill set" that other people have to be successful and happy.

    I just don't know what all this means. To everyone else he is just fine. He is super intelligent, nice-looking and he has a great sense of humor (dry kind of humor). You can see that he feels awkward with himself and that he has had enough failure and rejection to stop putting himself out there. But, we have always maintained that the only part of his skill set that is out of whack is his coping skills. I don't think initially he suffered from any more failure or rejection than anyone else. He just couldn't cope the same way. He retreated and allowed such things to eat at him instead of dusting himself off and learning from such incidents.

    I think that is so common with people suffering from depression. They just seem to have such poor coping skills. Sometimes, people suffer through unspeakable things that nobody could cope with. But, my kid didn't have this kind of past. His problems were really kind of common, but when he kept internalizing them and magnifying them, they overwhelmed his personality and sent him into this downward spiral. Once there, he completely shut down and started drinking. His self-esteem and self-image became so marred and he stopped participating in his own life. The further behind he got, and the further ahead his friends got started to eat away at him. Instead of redoubling his efforts he just decided to stop trying altogether.

    The people on this board are usually young people. I wish you all could time warp and become my age for a day (50). Once you are older, like me, you can let so many things go. You can see how unimportant it is that you graduated a year or two behind your friends. You could see that you can get over a lost love, a grief, a divorce, being broke, a drinking problem etc. These things become interwoven in your life. Not all experiences are good but all become a part of you and you learn from all of them. It is so hard to see any of that in the here and now. All you know now is that you are in such great pain and you are so tired. Every day becomes a source of new pain and you can't think of anything else except how sad and tired you are of it all. In this state you can't think of the future, can't take the necessary steps to making things even a little better.

    I just hope and pray that everyone on this board finds a way to cope with their pain. I hope that you can give yourself a chance to learn how little today's problems will matter in twenty or thirty years. As long as you live there is hope each day that things will change. You have to work at it for this to occur but it just takes very small steps at a time to give you a better perspective on your life and your future. Don't bite off too much at a time. If you are going to school - take one class, not five for example. If you get a job, start part time and see how it goes. Give yourself a chance for success. If your present social situation is not working, join some different activities, go to some different places. I believe it can still work for you and for my son.
  14. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    You are right I do think I have a lot of trouble cooping with failure. It is very hard when you look around and only see yourself failing, while everyone else succeeds. Another problem is so many people get amusement out of watching failure. No one offers any kind of advice as to what I may have done wrong. They just laugh it off and say "Wow that was smooth". If I pay them money they give me advice. I do not like to think I am dependent on others. However, I make better mental notes via observation. I failed almost every basic entry-level class in college because I did not get help. Once I learn the skills I know them better than anyone else. It just takes me 2 or 3 times as long to learn them. Which is discouraging. I do not want to go another decade failing to get what I want.

    You say you need to just pick yourself back up, my dad said that a lot. One time my dad told me I needed to keep playing in a baseball game after I had severely sprained my wrist. I needed to be a man. I could not move my hand, it caused me pain to even put my glove on, I was in pain when the ball him the glove. Yet I was supposed to get up and play.

    You sound a lot like my mom. She tells me "Just don't give up". That is all she tells me. If I asked her how do I get a girl to like me she shrugs her shoulders. If I ask her how do I make friends she says "Just be yourself". If I ask her how to get I a girl to have sex with me, she looks the other way. All she does is encourage me from the sidelines. However, does she offer and constructive advice? No, she just cheers for me, and when I get lost or discouraged she gets angry at me. She does not understand why or how I can just give up.

    I think it is a gender thing as well. ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships. Women tell me I just have to keep trying. Well when it comes to relationships keep trying for women means be out there and be seen. With men it is a whole different story, as we are supposed to do the wooing. It is an experience most females, especially females your age, have no fucking clue about. Most women just sit back and let men come to them. It is different when you have to do the approaching. You say I would like to switch shoes with most of you young people. I would like you to switch shoes with me and spend one month trying to meet women. Those of us who are not narcissistic find that failure after failure hurts more and more every time. Those of us who are not after only one thing have no idea how to keep a female interested. It is not something that any female can understand, whether it be you or my sisters.

    You say you do not understand, you are right you do not. You have not experienced prolonged failure. Or things just came to you naturally. You say it is cooping skills. There is more to it than that. If it was just cooping skills, I think I would be ok. However, if you do not maintain a wall the wall will fall down. There has to be some kind of success to break up the constant failure to keep ones soul from being crushed. Right now I look back on my life and see nothing but failure. People tell me I just have to work on changing that. When I ask for help they turn silent, or become the cheerleader. You are asking someone who is crippled to climb a mountain by themselves, while you sit back and cheer them on. Yes they may do that. How long will it take? How much of my life will I have to give up making this journey? I do not want to be 40 and finally able to get what I want. Hell I am barely ok with being 30 and getting what I want.

    I would like to swap shoes with you, and see the world from your perspective. Have all your thought processes and knowledge while still retaining my own conciousness. I would like you to do the same. You say that I would not sing the same tune. I doubt you would sing the same tune either.
  15. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I agree with the title of this thread. I was just thinking that yesterday and now today. Truly what is there left? I have no interests anymore. I have given so many chances for my life to pick up and worked so hard to be happy only for it to fail miserably on me. So truly what is there left in life?
  16. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @yous: I guess there is always more misery to experience.
  17. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    You said you didn't want anything, that there was nothing to live for. The bolded words suggest there's at least something you want.

    Who prances through life without a care in the world? I don't know anyone like that. Life is always a struggle. The difference is that some people struggle better than others so they don't get swept away as easily. People tend to want to escape when they feel the struggle is too much. Escaping, while it has its advantages sometimes because life really can be that hard, can too often lead to losing your ability to struggle effectively. So what you have is a runaway effect. It's similar to sitting down all the time because you're overweight and get exhausted when you move around. The act of sitting down so much makes you gain even more weight, makes your bones brittle and increases chance of injury, decreases the strength of your circulatory system, decreases muscle mass, and just makes the whole situation worse. There comes a point when a change -must- be made or you'll be sitting down for the rest of your life!

    And I think i'm talking from experience. The deeper you go the harder it's to get back up.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
  18. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    That's an assumption on your part. If he really has suffered more rejection or failure than you realize, it would help your relationship to grow if you understood that. Telling someone to "get better" doesn't mean much if you don't understand their situation. It's natural to assume that others are like us, that what others have been through is the same that we've been through, but this is not always the case. People are different. They don't just experience it differently, but the circumstances themselves are different.

    What he really needs is room and time on his own. Any time spent in your home is bad time, IMHO. Getting him out of the house is good so he can learn to cope on his own, without you or someone else trying to manage him. I know you want to keep an eye on him and help him all you can, but sometimes the best help can only be learned on our own. Part of being successful is being an enterprising, independent spirit. You can't learn to be independent by staying on training wheels or living on your parents advice. You have to strike out on your own, and for a teenager, that means getting out of the house, going for a walk with friends, learning life lessons directly.

    Being a teenager is hard. That's why old people don't want to ever be a youth again, but they'd sure like to have youthful bodies!
  19. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I am 32, coming on 33. I can relate a lot to what you say, but I truly believe we cannot judge anybody else unless we live in their shoes. So I can give advice, but I want you to know that it's my advice, and my advice is not impermeable.

    I agree about being irritated with people who give stupid advice like "get back up" or "keep going!" It's just cliche advice. They're trying to help, they really want you to succeed, but you know in your mind they don't really understand. Is that their fault? No! They're not you. The only person who can really know you is you. Other people will try, but no single person is going to get it right. The point to take home is that they care about you enough to give advice. Your job isn't to get mad at them, but to figure out your situation so they're not desperate to give you their crappy 'advice'.

    I tried a cannery job not too long ago where I got physically beat up by the day to day grind. It was one of the reasons I quit. I can see how some people would have told me that I'm a quitter, a nobody, a sissy. However, quitting was my choice, not theirs. From my perspective at the time, quitting was a sum positive. That means my brain did a calculation and determined that quitting was the better choice. I regret that I didn't find some way to get time off, that I wasn't physically prepared for it, that I didn't finish the job, but that's only because of how others see me. How I see me is a different matter. To me, it was the right choice at -that- time. What I know now and what I knew then are two different, irreconcilable things, but if the same set of circumstances presented themselves today, I'd probably make the same choice, but I think i'd try a little harder to find out about getting 3 days off!! At that time, they gave me the impression that time off was not an option, but if i had been more bold about it maybe I could have worked something out. And if if I had the boldness of a superhero, I'd tell them about some coworkers who might not be practicing good working habits, but at the time I didn't have enough confidence in my observations to go that far. Point is, I think I learned some things from all of that. It's hard to be bold.

    Similarly, when your dad told you to play even though your wrist hurt, he should have realized it was not his choice. You have to understand that he was afraid of babying you too much. He didn't want a boy that can't cope with pain or injury. So he has a bias in favor of pushing you hard, maybe too hard! Micheal Jordan often played with injury. Most sports stars play with injury. In one perspective, they're heroes that fight on despite the pain. In another perspective, they're being short-sighted and risking further harm to their body. There're various ways of looking at it, but most competitive people want to fight even if they're hurt. You have to be bold enough to accept your choice, and to learn from it so that if something similar happens in the future, you can foresee some potential alternative ways of resolving it. Part of the battle also rests on your dad. He needs to concentrate on his own bias that approves of potentially harmful behavior.

    When I was younger, I had a lot of trouble with classmates. I think I was their bean bag, the thing they exhausted their frustrations on for entertainment. Lol. I got teased a lot. Maybe I asked for it by being so shy because no one likes someone who can't stand on their own. I have a bit of social anxiety now, and have had that since as far as I can remember. Sometimes I wonder if that was caused by the teasing, or whether it caused the teasing. Not sure. I've always found it difficult to connect with people easily. It's sometimes like trying to read a book backwards or read a page of text every other word. I get nervous because I'm unable to keep up or say the right things or come across as friendly even though I feel friendly and want to be. The failure makes me self-conscious. It doesn't come naturally to me. I wish it did. Social skills are incredibly important in our society. Without them, everything is harder and people can't trust you.

    "You are asking someone who is crippled to climb a mountain by themselves, while you sit back and cheer them on."

    I think that sums up your posts. You may or may not be right, but it's the take away message.

    So do you think you need help to climb the mountain? What kind of help?
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
  20. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @johnnysays: I guess I just see people who are giddy and happy all the time as carefree. I know that we all struggle. The difference is that I have no one to struggle with me, in real life. I am on my own. It is easier to struggle with everything else in life when you have help. I have none, I just have a bunch of people telling me I am a wuss and to grow a pair.

    I know how hard it is to get back up I was standing for a very long time. Now I have fallen and I keep falling. However, I did not stand on my own last time. I had someone to help me. So I don't know how I will get back up.

    As for what I want from help. I want something more than just "Keep going". I want someone to help me see what I am doing wrong. I want someone to be there to advise me based on their experience. No one wants to do that. Everyone just dodges the question. I had a friend who said if I had questions about women to ask her. When I asked her she repiled "Well I don' t know her". When I ask other guys they dodge the question in a similar way. Why because everyone thinks I want to place the blame on them if something goes wrong. Everyone thinks I am not going to adapt what I learned. No one wants to be that person who helps me. I learn slowly, it just takes things a while to click. Even longer when I am on my own. I want help, no one wants to give it unless I pay them.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
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