I used to suffer very badly from depression for about 6 years, I often self harmed and cut myself to the point where i could see the arteries in my wrist. I have never regreted my attempts of suicide and even gone to the point where i have destroyed my phone to prevent me calling help if something went wrong. I moved into a new apartment about a year ago and things seemed to get abit better for me and the depression almost vanished although i still thought about killing myself i never acted on it and i was rather content. But that only lasted a few months. And now i have this new feeling, its not quite depression, its almost like emptiness, i dont feel upset or sad yet i cant help but want to kill myself, almost like im addicted to the idea. I often research methods which for some reason actually makes me happy, possible because it makes me feel like i control the outcome of my life. Im not sure if this empty feeling is me losing my grip on reality as i feel so bored being alive, infact i look forward to going asleep nowadays, its almost like being in an action/horror movie as i have very vivid dreams and what most people call nightmares. I did used to find my dreams disturbing but now i enjoy them, even though i wake up sweating and my heart beating really fast, i think i like the adrenaline and the violence. As i read this back to myself ive come to the conclusion that this empty feeling is boredom of life, i cant think of anything i want (well nothing obtainable). Does this mean that there isnt any hope for me? Im not too bothered if i die, just worried that the next place will have even less to do.