what is this feeling?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Void_reality, Jan 8, 2012.

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  1. Void_reality

    Void_reality Member

    I used to suffer very badly from depression for about 6 years, I often self harmed and cut myself to the point where i could see the arteries in my wrist. I have never regreted my attempts of suicide and even gone to the point where i have destroyed my phone to prevent me calling help if something went wrong. I moved into a new apartment about a year ago and things seemed to get abit better for me and the depression almost vanished although i still thought about killing myself i never acted on it and i was rather content. But that only lasted a few months. And now i have this new feeling, its not quite depression, its almost like emptiness, i dont feel upset or sad yet i cant help but want to kill myself, almost like im addicted to the idea. I often research methods which for some reason actually makes me happy, possible because it makes me feel like i control the outcome of my life. Im not sure if this empty feeling is me losing my grip on reality as i feel so bored being alive, infact i look forward to going asleep nowadays, its almost like being in an action/horror movie as i have very vivid dreams and what most people call nightmares. I did used to find my dreams disturbing but now i enjoy them, even though i wake up sweating and my heart beating really fast, i think i like the adrenaline and the violence. As i read this back to myself ive come to the conclusion that this empty feeling is boredom of life, i cant think of anything i want (well nothing obtainable). Does this mean that there isnt any hope for me? Im not too bothered if i die, just worried that the next place will have even less to do.
     
  2. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    What you are describing is another symptom of depression. That is what I've been told anyway. Feeling numb. Total loss of interest in everything. Comforted by thoughts of, as you say, taking control.

    It does not mean there is no hope. Not at all. Simply a different type of manifestation of depression. Please be very careful when you feel this way. In my own experience, this is the most dangerous depressed mood to be in. Not good.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2012
  3. Void_reality

    Void_reality Member

    yes i suppose it is a form of depression. Its strange though, I feel like i could jump of my balcony right now and it some how makes me feel content yet the only thing stopping me is the inconvinience of it for example i would feel the need to tidy up first so who ever clears my apartment doesnt think its such a mess, and i find that to be a really weird thought when contemplating suicide?
    I dont actually intend on ending my life anytime soon, yet i feel that my life is somehow nearing its end.
    So MrStewart, what do you suggest for this type of depression? counsiling has never worked for me and im not very good at taking medication. Personally i dont think i have many options unless i radically change my life which i dont see happening
     
  4. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    You feel contentment in reaction to that hypothetical because you see it as a way to escape. That's normal.

    As for what can help... I wish I had the answer for that. :sad: Keeping a journal here on this forum as a way to keep track of my thought process over a long period of time has helped gain some perspective. Helped me to see that I am not always in the frame of mind where escape by ending my life is a comforting idea. Maybe read other's posts here, see the why and the when they wound up here. It helps just being here. I never thought it would when I signed up but it does.

    For safety, might try adding crisis line to your phone speed dial. Even if you think you'll never use it. Better to have it there. In case.
     
  5. Morningstar

    Morningstar Well-Known Member

    Wow, I read your post and had to double check the name because I honestly could swear your life is mine. Almost every detail is exactly the same, except for the fact that I just moved into my new place in November(although the place I lived before I had moved into in May of last year). And of course the fact that I live with a roommate not by myself, although I wish I did and I will probably be moving again soon though. Anyway what I wanted to say is you can feel free to message me anytime you want, as we obviously have current circumstances(and certain habits and feelings) in common. And I've always found talking with someone who is similar is a nice. . .comfort to have(at least one isn't alone ).
     
  6. Void_reality

    Void_reality Member

    thank you both for your comments. I have actually been keeping a journal well more like a huge folder i like to call my suicide folder. It contains all my suicidal thoughts and feelings for the last 5 years and to be honest it did help relieve stress and help me to work out my problems. After reading back all the stuff i had written it came to me that i didnt actually have any problems and thats when i learned the true meaning to what depression is. It is when you make up problems or exaggerate them as an excuse to justify wanting to kill yourself. Take me for example, ive got a good social life, good family, nice apartment and i not long got back from holiday and other than the fact i got fired a few weeks ago plus im in a bit of debt, in societies eyes im not actually doing that bad. Yet i cant get rid of this thought of suicide. About two years ago i attempted when i was having a brilliant night out simply because i wanted to die happy, at the end of the day i think thats all it really comes down to, dying happy, so aslong as my last thoughts are happy ones then i dont believe it makes a difference how i live the rest of my life, after all you could live a really good life and then when its your time to die and your filled with fear and anxiety then you are going to have a horrible death.
     
  7. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Void reality , mr. stewart is right this ia variety of depression and is just about the worst kind.. life is empty of good and will to do anything.. WTH adn why continue is big part of this. suggestion to you is talk to a professional mental health worker about you and this condition.. this position is dangerous.. take care, Jim
     
  8. Void_reality

    Void_reality Member

    I have noticed at this point 30 people have viewed what has been written here, out of curiosity it would be nice to hear what you think when you read this post, can you relate to it or what thoughts go through your mind when reading it. And JIMK thanks for trying to advise me but "professional" medical help is not an option
     
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