I'm not sure what section to post this in, since there is no "Ramblings of a Completely Incomprehensible Idiot" section of the site. Oh wait, I have my diary for that. Yes, I am "letting it all out", and of course I feel suicidal today, but who cares? No one else does, and I haven't for a long time. I can't even say for sure how long I've felt this way. Since I was a teenager at the earliest...that's when I started to just want to end it all. I get shunned, mocked, made fun of, anywhere I reach out, so I simply can't do that anymore. I stopped crying, because people would laugh at me and call me weak and sensitive. I am because I have panic attacks if people have a less than stellar opinion of me. I hate to think that people see me in a bad light, but they always do. No matter how nice I am, it just backfires on me. I don't know what love or affection is, because no one has ever shown it to me. Not family, not friends, not anyone at all. I don't deserve anything positive and people never fail to remind me of that. I wish I were a piece of plastic, or a sock monkey, or something else not alive. That makes no sense, and that's probably why people think I'm insane. But I would rather not be a human being, because i can feel pain, and so much of it. All I feel is pain, even if I seem so contained in front of others. I'm so nice, that's all they know. Of course I won't stand up for myself, that's why they can call me whatever they want and treat me how they see fit. I've been called every name in the book, and I'm sure most of them are true. No one understands me, and I often get misinterpreted, even with the best of intentions. I am just an idiot, my kindergarten teacher said I was stupid because I didn't know what everyone else did. But what is the measure of intelligence? I've had more knowledge of the world than most people I've known, ever since I was just a kid. That's part of why I'm in so much pain. I can cry, scream, holler, and I hurt worse. Letting the emotions out takes a toll on my health, but so does keeping it in. It's explosive and hard to contain. I can't talk to anyone because I have no one to actually talk to. The only thing I can do is type here, but I don't expect anyone to listen. I'm like an annoying gnat who needs to fly away already. I had such a sharp pain in my chest after I panicked last night. It felt like my heart was breaking, or hopefully failing. I hope something happens to me, because I don't have the courage to end it. Am I afraid of the feeling of dying, or what happens after death? or am I just afraid of failing and having even more people pissed and disappointed with me? No one will ever understand how I'm truly feeling, but how could they? It's a bottomless dark pit, one I can never seem to crawl out of. I can't even see the light of day anymore. I might start clawing my way out, but I'll never make it to the top. Most people would love to kick dirt on top of me and keep me under. Don't worry, I'll be gone soon. I'll figure things out. I don't know why I typed this, maybe I thought letting things out would ease the pain. But it never does, because the pain is much too great to bear.