What is this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Witty_Sarcasm, Jan 12, 2014.

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  1. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I'm not sure what section to post this in, since there is no "Ramblings of a Completely Incomprehensible Idiot" section of the site. Oh wait, I have my diary for that. Yes, I am "letting it all out", and of course I feel suicidal today, but who cares? No one else does, and I haven't for a long time. I can't even say for sure how long I've felt this way. Since I was a teenager at the earliest...that's when I started to just want to end it all. I get shunned, mocked, made fun of, anywhere I reach out, so I simply can't do that anymore. I stopped crying, because people would laugh at me and call me weak and sensitive. I am because I have panic attacks if people have a less than stellar opinion of me. I hate to think that people see me in a bad light, but they always do. No matter how nice I am, it just backfires on me. I don't know what love or affection is, because no one has ever shown it to me. Not family, not friends, not anyone at all. I don't deserve anything positive and people never fail to remind me of that. I wish I were a piece of plastic, or a sock monkey, or something else not alive. That makes no sense, and that's probably why people think I'm insane. But I would rather not be a human being, because i can feel pain, and so much of it.

    All I feel is pain, even if I seem so contained in front of others. I'm so nice, that's all they know. Of course I won't stand up for myself, that's why they can call me whatever they want and treat me how they see fit. I've been called every name in the book, and I'm sure most of them are true. No one understands me, and I often get misinterpreted, even with the best of intentions. I am just an idiot, my kindergarten teacher said I was stupid because I didn't know what everyone else did. But what is the measure of intelligence? I've had more knowledge of the world than most people I've known, ever since I was just a kid. That's part of why I'm in so much pain. I can cry, scream, holler, and I hurt worse. Letting the emotions out takes a toll on my health, but so does keeping it in. It's explosive and hard to contain. I can't talk to anyone because I have no one to actually talk to. The only thing I can do is type here, but I don't expect anyone to listen. I'm like an annoying gnat who needs to fly away already.

    I had such a sharp pain in my chest after I panicked last night. It felt like my heart was breaking, or hopefully failing. I hope something happens to me, because I don't have the courage to end it. Am I afraid of the feeling of dying, or what happens after death? or am I just afraid of failing and having even more people pissed and disappointed with me? No one will ever understand how I'm truly feeling, but how could they? It's a bottomless dark pit, one I can never seem to crawl out of. I can't even see the light of day anymore. I might start clawing my way out, but I'll never make it to the top. Most people would love to kick dirt on top of me and keep me under. Don't worry, I'll be gone soon. I'll figure things out. I don't know why I typed this, maybe I thought letting things out would ease the pain. But it never does, because the pain is much too great to bear.
     
  2. SoDone416

    SoDone416 Member

    I can relate to a lot of this. I am new here but I have to think with 12,000 posts I bet you've impacted someone's life in a positive way. You replied to my post and it helped me to know I'm not alone.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: Just want you to know I care. You're not an idiot, and you don't deserve the pain you're in. I've only known you for a few months, but the person I see isn't the same as the person you described... I see a truly good person who has just been hurt and pushed down too many times. You CAN get back up; it's worth it, because you're worth it.
     
  4. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Heyyo just read your post and I have to say... I can really rely to that. But you are not an idiot or weak or anything else. You are wonderful. How can anybody else say something else? You are a nice person and I think it's not your but someone else fault that things backfire. I would hug you right now if I could :hug: if anybody would say something like that to you I would kick their asses and tell them otherwise, you are an extremely wonderful person and just because you are on pain...that doesn't make you a weak person. It is our choices that show who we are. And I can read in your post that you do good things. :hug:
     
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thanks...you guys are all really sweet. I feel embarrassed about posting my feelings, because it sounds like I'm whining or just being an idiot. Someone that I respected told me that I can't possibly a good writer and also have problems with comprehending language...I think that got to me the most. It makes me feel like whatever I write is invalid. But maybe I am stupid, and can't ever get my point across clearly. It doesn't matter because I need to open up about what's bothering me. Seriously though, you guys are awesome and I wish I could give you all hugs too. :hug:
     
  6. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    If you want to see 'incomprehensible writing' at its finest, check out some of my posts!
     
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    That's more like awesome writing...always brings a smile to my face :p
     
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You shouldn't be embarrassed about posting how you feel, it's okay. :hug: And for you (or anyone) to comprehend what was written, it has to make sense. the things that person said to you, made no sense. They expect you to read between the lines and figure out things that weren't even there to begin with.
     
  9. SillyKitty

    SillyKitty Member

    I just wanted to tell you that I also like your writing :) always look forward to seeing you post more :)
     
  10. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thanks! That means a lot to me. :) I'll definitely keep posting.
     
  11. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    I don't know you personally, but I have read a number of things you've written. Whoever told you that you can't write is spewing utter rubbish. You are an excellent writer. I really enjoy reading your stuff. :) ((((hugs))))

    ~Ana
     
  12. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Thank you! When I hear people say good things about my work, it just gives me more confidence to write even more. :)
     
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