I am new to the site.....I never actually knew that there was a site like this. I am 31 years old and I have 2 beautiful daughters and 4 stepchildren. I love them all. I am married. As long as I can remember I have always considered suicide. I have actually tried to do it before. More then a few times. I have been hospitalized twice for it. I am also a cutter. You would not believe the scars on my body from it. You ask why? Expecially with the children I have? I wish I knew. I wish I could find a cure. But I dont believe there is one. I cut because I am angry and depressed and it makes everything ok. I like it. I live in so much physical and mental pain. Everyday I think about ending it. Then I think of my children. The thoughts never go away but the thoughts of my children and the actually cutting stops me from slicing open my wrists and watching myself bleed out. I have a fear that I have lost all control. My depression has deepened so much. I cry all the time. I sit in my room and pretty much ignore all my family. My mother has even told me that I have pushed her away and she is my best friend. I love my children very very much but I do not think that my love for them can help me survive anymore. My insides quiver constantly, I upset myself so much that I vommit constantly, I shake, I have terrible migraines all the time. I hardly ever sleep. I have stopped taking all of my medication. Nothing works. I have tried counselors and doctors and hospitals. Nothing makes this go away. For a long time the cutting was satifying enough to help with the thoughts of killing myself. But now the cutting is deeper and deeper. I have even decided how to do it. I would take 32 sleeping pills, wait 1/2 an hour and then run a bath, take my trusted razor blade and slice my wrists in the bathtub. Not acrossed my wrists but slantted, 3 on each. I thought about doing it in the bedroom and locking the doors but it would leave such a mess for someone else to clean up. I just don't want my children to think that I didn't love them enough or that they didnt make me happy enough or that they did something wrong because they havent.......I have just always been broken and nothing I do or anyone else can do will ever fix me. I feel like a coward but the way I am now towards everyone around me I think I am hurting them more now then I would if I ended everything.