What is wrong with me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by omghellyeah2003, Dec 28, 2006.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. I am new to the site.....I never actually knew that there was a site like this. I am 31 years old and I have 2 beautiful daughters and 4 stepchildren. I love them all. I am married. As long as I can remember I have always considered suicide. I have actually tried to do it before. More then a few times. I have been hospitalized twice for it. I am also a cutter. You would not believe the scars on my body from it. You ask why? Expecially with the children I have? I wish I knew. I wish I could find a cure. But I dont believe there is one. I cut because I am angry and depressed and it makes everything ok. I like it. I live in so much physical and mental pain. Everyday I think about ending it. Then I think of my children. The thoughts never go away but the thoughts of my children and the actually cutting stops me from slicing open my wrists and watching myself bleed out. I have a fear that I have lost all control. My depression has deepened so much. I cry all the time. I sit in my room and pretty much ignore all my family. My mother has even told me that I have pushed her away and she is my best friend. I love my children very very much but I do not think that my love for them can help me survive anymore. My insides quiver constantly, I upset myself so much that I vommit constantly, I shake, I have terrible migraines all the time. I hardly ever sleep. I have stopped taking all of my medication. Nothing works. I have tried counselors and doctors and hospitals. Nothing makes this go away. For a long time the cutting was satifying enough to help with the thoughts of killing myself. But now the cutting is deeper and deeper. I have even decided how to do it. I would take 32 sleeping pills, wait 1/2 an hour and then run a bath, take my trusted razor blade and slice my wrists in the bathtub. Not acrossed my wrists but slantted, 3 on each. I thought about doing it in the bedroom and locking the doors but it would leave such a mess for someone else to clean up. I just don't want my children to think that I didn't love them enough or that they didnt make me happy enough or that they did something wrong because they havent.......I have just always been broken and nothing I do or anyone else can do will ever fix me. I feel like a coward but the way I am now towards everyone around me I think I am hurting them more now then I would if I ended everything.
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2006
  2. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. I'm sorry you're in so much pain omg. I know the feeling. There are great people here who are willing to listen and offer comfort.

    I hope that you will stick around and get to know everyone. If you need anything, or just to talk, I'm here for you.
  3. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so extremely happy, Omghellyeah 2003.that you have found us here.. I can't tell you how much and so glad that we are here for you... I didn't know that there was a site like this either, and feeling extremely suicidall, plans, everything planned out, that I found this site by "accident".. I have attempted many times in my life,since I was young, and this time I was gong to make sure, really make sure... that this was it.. finally.. yeah.. "accident.. had everything in order, and here I am to tell you I deeply understand greatly.

    For whatever reason I am still here.. have been hospitalized many times.. in ICU..not to mention the times that I attempted and not hospitalilzed..
    I am, 2 1/2 years later on this site.. hard to believe for me.. when all I ever wanted to do was to end it all and this site, god, I mean the people here really really reached out to me at the time and talked to me.. I didn't trust anybody.. no.. this is it.. I can't say that it has been very easy at all to continue on.... it hasn't been.. I use to react, had no concept at all, just do it.. yeah, I took enough.. shocked I am still here to share about it.. then I found this site.. still had my plans.. yeah.. going to really make it work this time.. my pdoc (psychiatrist) was shocked that I have made it through and yeah, in ICU, several times.. and more.. I can relate well to you.. I was just going to go to bed since have to get up early and saw your post.. you are very important person here.. and I felt very strongly that I needed and wanted to respond to you..

    How old are your beautiful daughters and stepchildren?? It is wonderful that you have them in your life and love them deeply..

    I can relate about always considering suicide since I was a young child.. I think around 5, my first memory.. why does a child feel that way?? Children shouldn't feel that way.. Many here can relate to you also about self harm and being a cutter.. I also did.. You came to the right place and yes, we would believe the scars that you have.. I am so sorry.. and feel your pain deeply..

    May I ask, and you don't have to answer this, why do you feel angry and depressed? I know you LOVE your children and so fortunate to have children in your life..

    We all have been there also, and many have children here.. who can relate to you..

    Okay, so, you stopped talking to counselors and drs. because there seem to be no answers? I have been there too very much and really bad counselors.. and it didn't matter to me, if I lived or died.. who cared.. Why did you stop your medication? You need to try to find someone to help you through this, a therapist and/or psychiatrist? Believe me I know how difficult it is to find the right one.. but please, for your children's sake, keep looking for someone to help you and get you the right diagnosis (dx) and I know with the meds.. hard to determine and get regulated on the right ones.. but please think of your children.. .they are the light of your life..

    I am glad that, so far, the thoughts of your children, has helped you from slicing even deeper.. You know.. you remember that since, forever, whatever age that was for you, that you always felt suicidal? Do you want your children to feel the same? Not to lay a guilt trip on you or anything but remember them first.. and I know it is difficult to find a good T (therapist) and pdoc(psychiatrist) to help you.. but most likely you have a chemical imbalance in your brain and if you can find someone or a referral from somebody to help you, to get on the right medication..

    Even though I am still here, I understand, the thoughts never seem to go
    away but think about your wonderful children.. and with good T and pdoc, helping you regulate meds, it will really help you.. you need to be on meds.. and I know it takes alot to find the right combination of meds that will help.. takes time sometimes.. so keep in mind.. your wonderful children.. you are doing this for them and besides yoiurself but because they are your lifeline and mean so much to you.. You need to pursue this, with all your being, even though you are extremely depressed, to get the right help.. I have been there before with horrible counselors and pdocs.. frustration.. feel like giving up.. Please don't.. Lean on us.. give us a chance.. to be there for you.. talke to us.. and seek help.. please.. the children will suffer.. I know.. if you do anything.. we are here for you.. and even though you just found us here.. we really really do care about you and that may be hard to understand.. we are here because we understand and can relate to you, your pain and hurt..

    Depression causes us to push others away so that we can do what we feel want to do and think is best. Your children will NOT be better off without you!! There is help for you.. it unfortunately takes time to find the right person to help you.. Keep thinking of your children..

    Of course, your physical and mental are all affected by this..What is your first memory, if you don't mind me asking, and you don't have to answer this at all.. why did you always feel suicidal? Were you abused? What happened? Again, you don't have to answer this at all but I can tell you that the people who are here are here because we understand and can relate tremendously to your pain.. I wouldn't be here today without SF and yes, it still has been difficult but I can come here and talk to people first.. Never had that concept before about talking to anybody. always reacted first and it didn't matter.. After several hospializations, put in touch with a wonderful counselor and home base stable program.. The counselor, actually had to teach me to think it through first before attemting.. I hurt so bad and in so much pain and depression.. yeah, Jolene.. she would come to my home for a year and Greg from home stable. program another time.. I didn't want to live.. had no reason too. just in me that was my only option since long story lost so much, in my life.. that way since a child.. my hopes and dreams too..

    You really need to seriously seek help.. If not for you, think of your children.. please.. all this can cause you alot of physical pain, migraines, etc.

    We don't talk about methods here as we are a pro life site.. you know what? your children will suffer tremendously no matter what.. If you really care about your children and you say how much you love them.. you are very fortunate to have them in your life..

    I have been through 9 suicides, very close to me, friends and family, sadly.. it affects everyone.. I know other people also, in my life, who were close to someone, a family member, friend who suicided.. and the children suffer.. as well as others.. so DON'T think that it will affect them.. because they will be damaged forever.. I know it is a generation thing too.. when a family member suicides, it affects everybody, no matter who, and if you love your children, as you say, and I believe you do, think of them.. the reason to go on and seek help.. if you can't for yourself, just remember them, if you love them so much.. don't you dare do anything if this is what you decide at home.. please.. I know.. have been there many times.. and I am deeply saddened for those children who experience this and they grow up.. never the same.. ever.. major problems.. very detrimentall.. I know it is late here and I hope I haven't rambled on too much but very very concerned.. I have seen many times, what happens.. especially to somebody who does something at home and the children are there and I am sorry.. but it screws them up for life.. please seek help.. please lean on us and talk to us.. we have all been there and every day it is a battle to go on.. at least you have somebody you care about to think about in your life.. YOUR CHILDREN I am very passionate about this because I have seen what happens and do you want your children to go through this? You are not thinking very clearly and again, I ask you, to continue seeking help and getting on the right meds, if you care about your children..

    I have lost many people in my life, young and older... death to me seemed natural and the way to go.. besides the ones I knew who suicided.. it is called a suicidal trance a person gets into.. it is late.. and need to go to bed.. but please for the sake of your children..

    You know what, being broken, you can be fixed, it will take time, maybe long time.. My heart is broken do deeply wounded.. and I am trying to work on it now..

    Please, for the sake of your children, if you love them deeply as you say, get help.. they will never ever recover from this if you do this.. I know..

    In the meantime,, I hope you will continue seeking the right T and Pdoc and not give up.. it takes time to find the right one to help..I know.. Okay.. Please keep in touch with us and know that many people here can relate to you and your pain.. We are here for you and care about you..

    You are not a coward at all... you came to the right place and yeah, you are dealing with difficult life situation.. but please listen to me.. think of your children.. I can't say that enough to you.. keep seeking help.. please lean on us to help you.. through this.. remember, the children suffer, after one is gone and it is a legacy. a generational curse they say, if you do this.. please I beg of you, to give us a chance and continue seeking help..

    Feel free to PM me anytime if you want and need someone to talk too.. I have been there often.. It hurts deeply and I know with the right help you can make it to.. not easy.. but you can..

  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    i echo the sentiments that G has posted and am very glad you found us too...it was very brave of you to post, and we are here for you...you sound intellegent, caring and thoughtful, the type of person we want to make it...please feel free to PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, Jackie
  5. Well to be honest none of my first memories have been good. There are some that I will not talk about but the main one was that my mother was very very messed up. She had gone through a very abusive childhood and took it out on me but did not know how to stop it. I was physically and mentally abused by her. I had a wonderful wonderful stepfather and 4 siblings. But no one stopped what was happening to me. After I left home when I was 16 she seeked help and got it. Now she is my best friend and I am so happy for her that she is well. But a part of my holds alot of resentment because I am not.I can not talk to her about any of this because she holds so much quilt that I do not want to put her back to where she was a long time ago so I hold all the anger and pain in on my own. The first time that my mother remembers me overdosing was when I was 6. I started cutting after that. There have been a total of 7 times trying......and I say trying because they always say that if u really wanted it to happen then u wouldnt try u would suceed. Well I did really want to suceed but was interuppted or didnt do it right I guess. I do love my children very very much. Mine are 13 and 8 and my stepchildren are 19, 17, 15, and 9. I know that alot of my depression may be due to feeling overwhelmed but I do love all of them very very much. I watch my 13 yrs old daughter slip further and further away everyday. She suffers from depression already. She has said things like I wish I was dead. It kills me because even though I hide most of what I go through I know that she suffers because of me. The doctors say that it is inherrited but it still comes from my tainted blood and soul. She suffers from migraines daily that are inherrited from me. Because of my sickness I have already harmed my children so much just by being their mother. I have their father blaming me also. I try to talk to my current husband about things and it is like talking to a brick wall. When he came home from work last night I told him about this website and he said it was "stupid" that is the reply I get. That my feelings, my anger, my deadly obsession with suicide is stupid. I am running out of coping resources quick. I feel lost. When I go to the doctors all they do is medicate me. I do not and have never done well on antidepressants.....they make me want to do it more!!!! Strange to have an adverse reaction like that huh but that is what happens.........Thank you so much for your replies. It was so nice for once to get on here and read and see that someone understands the mess of me.
  6. I also wanted to say that I was diagnosed with OCD and chronic depression when I was 17, Fibromyalgia when I was 18, my migraines are caused from blood vessels swelling in my brain for no apparent reason. I do belive that the compulsive thinking of suicide is explained well and aggreivated by the pain and depression. I have tried to compulse on other things but doesnt work very well. I have learned ticks to get me through the day. I rely mainly on numbers for this but that now has seeped over into my cutting. I have to cut myself a cerytain number of times and length before I can stop. It is really hard to explain. I know it just sounds stupid it should be so easy to stop but it isnt. I wish that for one day I was normal. I wish I didnt feel any pain, or wasnt angry because I am not normal, that I didnt have to count or tap, that I didnt have sick thoughts, that I didnt want to hurt myself. I have a very very addicting personality. I always have. When I was young I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I stopped everything but smoking when I got pregnant with my first daughter. I did some drugs afterwards. After my second daughter was born I started drinking alot again. I couldnt go to sleep unless I had 4 drinks before I went to bed but I knew when to stop. When I noticed it bothering my kids I gave it up completely. About 3 months ago I became addicted to sleeping pills. I was taking between 1400mgs and 2000mgs of diphenhydramine hydrochloride a day. I had to go to the hospital and found out that 500mgs a day can be lethal in adult humans. My mother says I am self destructing. I knew exactly what I was taking and what dosage was pushing the limit and I still continued to do it. I have panic attacks on a daily basis now. But know that if I go to the doctors that they will prescribe ativan for me again and I have a fear of being addicted again. I feel like a nut trapped inside a shell. I pray nightly to wake up and just love life one day but I do not believe that it will ever happen. I am a very nice person and help everyone I can. I just can not help myself. I have actually came to believe that it is because I really do not want to help myself. Things that are so easy for everyone else are such hard tasks for me. I can not sleep even when I am so tired that I am crying. With anyone else they lay down and close their eyes and fall asleep. I can not my mind races and I obsess about things that I have done or need to do or if I hurt someones feelings or if I angered someone. It just never ever stops. I would rather be a zombie then feel the way I do right now. Pain actually makes me feel better. But yet I am tired of feeling pain.....I am so confused I wish I just had a simple off switch.
  7. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi, I just want to let you know that I am really happy that you are here.. I responded to your post.. I just wanted to let you know.. and I can relate alot to what you have said here.. I spent sometime responding to your posts.. and we are having a bad windstorm now.. . so just as I am about to finish my lengthy response to you and send it to you.. I got knocked off and lost the whole damn thing!! I apologize.. I usually don't get on with windstorms, which is rare where I live.. we have had alot lately.. but suddenly got worse.. had some wind but now..it is getting worse.. so I just wanted to let you know and not leave you hanging..

    Thank you very much for trusting us and sharing your story.. It is late now where I live and need to go to bed. Grrr.. It is very frustrating.. of course, had to wait until I was just ending my response to send.. (isn't that is usually what happens with anything.. lol) mad.. but it is okay.. I will write later.. when I get on.. You are not alone at all.. You will find many ppl here and a light will come on as you understand and learn more and know that other ppl here can really relate to you very well.. You are not stupid for feeling the way you do.. it is very valid.. and very real... well, I don't want to get knocked off again.. so, I just wanted to let you know I read your post and care about you.. I can relate to everything you shared, really.. and alot of people here do.. no matter what anybody tells you in your life.. or how you feel, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

    Well, the wind is really strong right now.. so I better go.. I will finish and respond later today to your post. Keep trying to hang in there okay?? Just know we are always there for you..


    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 29, 2006
  8. Thank You so much everyone. It is hard to explain but I feel at home here. I can talk about my feelings and not have no one listen or not be told that I am stupid. I am crying right now and i am not sure why but I think it is because never in my life have I had anyone understand anything about me. I actually feel good right now and hope that today will be a good day. I can never thank you guys enough for what you have already given me. Many may not understand it but you guys have given me the world........Thank You so very very much
  9. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    HI my name is Melinda...
    I just wanted to let you know that I understand the feeling as well. The thoughts cross my mind all the time, for a very long time, I don't remember when I was happy and didnt want to die. I'm a cutter too, so I can understand that feeling as well.
    I hope you're feeling okay, feel free to PM me if you want...
    Take care, and keep ur head up.
  10. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear omg;

    You surely are at home here.:smile: We will be family to you, family you choose for yourself.:smile: I am sorry that you feel you are "tainted" and that it's your fault (IT'S NOT) your daughter is depressed and not doing well.:sad: These things are sometimes inherited but what's inherited is possibly a chemical imbalance in the brain. You can't exactly help that, nor can you help your daughter having it. I hope you come here whenever you need a friend, a listening ear, a supportive arm. We will not make fun of you or make light of your problems. I"m sure you'll make some good friends here - I have.:smile:

    love and hugs,

  11. Had a really really good surprising day. Full of physical pain but felt really good and relaxed emotionally.......love ya all>:D<
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.