I am so extremely happy, Omghellyeah 2003.that you have found us here.. I can't tell you how much and so glad that we are here for you... I didn't know that there was a site like this either, and feeling extremely suicidall, plans, everything planned out, that I found this site by "accident".. I have attempted many times in my life,since I was young, and this time I was gong to make sure, really make sure... that this was it.. finally.. yeah.. "accident.. had everything in order, and here I am to tell you I deeply understand greatly.
For whatever reason I am still here.. have been hospitalized many times.. in ICU..not to mention the times that I attempted and not hospitalilzed..
I am, 2 1/2 years later on this site.. hard to believe for me.. when all I ever wanted to do was to end it all and this site, god, I mean the people here really really reached out to me at the time and talked to me.. I didn't trust anybody.. no.. this is it.. I can't say that it has been very easy at all to continue on.... it hasn't been.. I use to react, had no concept at all, just do it.. yeah, I took enough.. shocked I am still here to share about it.. then I found this site.. still had my plans.. yeah.. going to really make it work this time.. my pdoc (psychiatrist) was shocked that I have made it through and yeah, in ICU, several times.. and more.. I can relate well to you.. I was just going to go to bed since have to get up early and saw your post.. you are very important person here.. and I felt very strongly that I needed and wanted to respond to you..
How old are your beautiful daughters and stepchildren?? It is wonderful that you have them in your life and love them deeply..
I can relate about always considering suicide since I was a young child.. I think around 5, my first memory.. why does a child feel that way?? Children shouldn't feel that way.. Many here can relate to you also about self harm and being a cutter.. I also did.. You came to the right place and yes, we would believe the scars that you have.. I am so sorry.. and feel your pain deeply..
May I ask, and you don't have to answer this, why do you feel angry and depressed? I know you LOVE your children and so fortunate to have children in your life..
We all have been there also, and many have children here.. who can relate to you..
Okay, so, you stopped talking to counselors and drs. because there seem to be no answers? I have been there too very much and really bad counselors.. and it didn't matter to me, if I lived or died.. who cared.. Why did you stop your medication? You need to try to find someone to help you through this, a therapist and/or psychiatrist? Believe me I know how difficult it is to find the right one.. but please, for your children's sake, keep looking for someone to help you and get you the right diagnosis (dx) and I know with the meds.. hard to determine and get regulated on the right ones.. but please think of your children.. .they are the light of your life..
I am glad that, so far, the thoughts of your children, has helped you from slicing even deeper.. You know.. you remember that since, forever, whatever age that was for you, that you always felt suicidal? Do you want your children to feel the same? Not to lay a guilt trip on you or anything but remember them first.. and I know it is difficult to find a good T (therapist) and pdoc(psychiatrist) to help you.. but most likely you have a chemical imbalance in your brain and if you can find someone or a referral from somebody to help you, to get on the right medication..
Even though I am still here, I understand, the thoughts never seem to go
away but think about your wonderful children.. and with good T and pdoc, helping you regulate meds, it will really help you.. you need to be on meds.. and I know it takes alot to find the right combination of meds that will help.. takes time sometimes.. so keep in mind.. your wonderful children.. you are doing this for them and besides yoiurself but because they are your lifeline and mean so much to you.. You need to pursue this, with all your being, even though you are extremely depressed, to get the right help.. I have been there before with horrible counselors and pdocs.. frustration.. feel like giving up.. Please don't.. Lean on us.. give us a chance.. to be there for you.. talke to us.. and seek help.. please.. the children will suffer.. I know.. if you do anything.. we are here for you.. and even though you just found us here.. we really really do care about you and that may be hard to understand.. we are here because we understand and can relate to you, your pain and hurt..
Depression causes us to push others away so that we can do what we feel want to do and think is best. Your children will NOT be better off without you!! There is help for you.. it unfortunately takes time to find the right person to help you.. Keep thinking of your children..
Of course, your physical and mental are all affected by this..What is your first memory, if you don't mind me asking, and you don't have to answer this at all.. why did you always feel suicidal? Were you abused? What happened? Again, you don't have to answer this at all but I can tell you that the people who are here are here because we understand and can relate tremendously to your pain.. I wouldn't be here today without SF and yes, it still has been difficult but I can come here and talk to people first.. Never had that concept before about talking to anybody. always reacted first and it didn't matter.. After several hospializations, put in touch with a wonderful counselor and home base stable program.. The counselor, actually had to teach me to think it through first before attemting.. I hurt so bad and in so much pain and depression.. yeah, Jolene.. she would come to my home for a year and Greg from home stable. program another time.. I didn't want to live.. had no reason too. just in me that was my only option since long story lost so much, in my life.. that way since a child.. my hopes and dreams too..
You really need to seriously seek help.. If not for you, think of your children.. please.. all this can cause you alot of physical pain, migraines, etc.
We don't talk about methods here as we are a pro life site.. you know what? your children will suffer tremendously no matter what.. If you really care about your children and you say how much you love them.. you are very fortunate to have them in your life..
I have been through 9 suicides, very close to me, friends and family, sadly.. it affects everyone.. I know other people also, in my life, who were close to someone, a family member, friend who suicided.. and the children suffer.. as well as others.. so DON'T think that it will affect them.. because they will be damaged forever.. I know it is a generation thing too.. when a family member suicides, it affects everybody, no matter who, and if you love your children, as you say, and I believe you do, think of them.. the reason to go on and seek help.. if you can't for yourself, just remember them, if you love them so much.. don't you dare do anything if this is what you decide at home.. please.. I know.. have been there many times.. and I am deeply saddened for those children who experience this and they grow up.. never the same.. ever.. major problems.. very detrimentall.. I know it is late here and I hope I haven't rambled on too much but very very concerned.. I have seen many times, what happens.. especially to somebody who does something at home and the children are there and I am sorry.. but it screws them up for life.. please seek help.. please lean on us and talk to us.. we have all been there and every day it is a battle to go on.. at least you have somebody you care about to think about in your life.. YOUR CHILDREN I am very passionate about this because I have seen what happens and do you want your children to go through this? You are not thinking very clearly and again, I ask you, to continue seeking help and getting on the right meds, if you care about your children..
I have lost many people in my life, young and older... death to me seemed natural and the way to go.. besides the ones I knew who suicided.. it is called a suicidal trance a person gets into.. it is late.. and need to go to bed.. but please for the sake of your children..
You know what, being broken, you can be fixed, it will take time, maybe long time.. My heart is broken do deeply wounded.. and I am trying to work on it now..
Please, for the sake of your children, if you love them deeply as you say, get help.. they will never ever recover from this if you do this.. I know..
In the meantime,, I hope you will continue seeking the right T and Pdoc and not give up.. it takes time to find the right one to help..I know.. Okay.. Please keep in touch with us and know that many people here can relate to you and your pain.. We are here for you and care about you..
You are not a coward at all... you came to the right place and yeah, you are dealing with difficult life situation.. but please listen to me.. think of your children.. I can't say that enough to you.. keep seeking help.. please lean on us to help you.. through this.. remember, the children suffer, after one is gone and it is a legacy. a generational curse they say, if you do this.. please I beg of you, to give us a chance and continue seeking help..
Feel free to PM me anytime if you want and need someone to talk too.. I have been there often.. It hurts deeply and I know with the right help you can make it to.. not easy.. but you can..
Gitana