What is wrong with me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenRoses, Feb 28, 2016.

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  1. GoldenRoses

    GoldenRoses Active Member

    Hi all, been a while since I've posted. I wish I could say that things have gotten so much better, but truly, I am still struggling. Everyone around me knows me as overly cheerful and happy, because it used to be true. But I feel that once these terrible, sad thoughts entered my mind, it rooted so deep that I just can't shake it.

    My migraines are still here. I'm having complications with treatment for my scoliosis. I'm constantly exhausted and in pain everywhere. I'm insecure even though I shouldn't be. I don't have many close friends, and the ones I did have, have moved on to better people. Boys? Haha, that's funny. I'm decent at a couple things, but I don't have one skill that I can really excel at. I have no desire to continue with my passions. So maybe I have some excuses to be a bit sad sometimes? Yet, I still feel incredibly guilty posting this. People have gone through so much worse, all I'm doing here is taking time away from people who really need the help.

    Life is really hard though. I don't necessarily want to die, but I just want everything to stop for a while. I'm so tired and overwhelmed. I stopped talking here, and in the real world, because I just had no energy to even try and communicate. I found myself numbing out the sadness with loud music and television.

    I know, this depression I'm feeling is "normal" for my age, and I'll "grow out of it". I'm just being weak and letting it affect me when it shouldn't. I need to work harder. Guess I'll just have to keep telling myself and everyone else that I'm fine.

    Why can't I just suck it up and be fine??

    So I'm sorry to take your time with my complaining. Just feel so sad and alone. Though, it did make me smile to see that I wasn't completely forgotten here, some members still remembered me. :)
     
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Your problems matter just as much as everyone else's hun. Don't take away from your problems because of what others have been through.

    Chronic pain in itself is one of the most horrible things. It can make you hopeless if you let it.
    Are you getting any counselling?
    You should speak to your doctors about this.

    I have scoliosis too, and it's no fun. When I read medical texts about it I always read about psychological effects too.
    Maybe you can go to a support group and talk to other people?
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I remember you, and glad you decided to stop back in. I am sorry things have not changed much for you, but in the big scheme of things a few months is hard to dramatically change ones life. It is far more a process of making a series of very small changes until gradually things overall start to get better. It is also hard to change a lot when in reality you have little control over many aspects of your life at this point. So in practical terms at your age it is all about trying to find some things that you might want to try in the future and how you can make that more possible to happen by your choices in the present. I hope you stay around and talk to us some :)
     
  4. GoldenRoses

    GoldenRoses Active Member

    Hi, thank you for the kind words.

    I did go to counseling for a while, but didn't get much out of it. I felt like she was forcing me to be someone I'm not, and venting my problems to people end up making me feel worse in the long run. I really don't want to go back.

    I just don't know how people expect me to keep pushing harder and harder, when I'm completely exhausted to begin with. How do I find motivation to keep going each day? I don't have a whole lot to live for.
     
  5. MaskingMax

    MaskingMax New Member

    You are neither weak nor wrong for posting that you are feeling the things you do. What type of treatment have you had for the scoliosis? Do not feel you are wasting space or taking up time for those you feel have it worse. You deserve to be happy, to live a full life and yes there will always be others who may in your words have it worse but think of it this way, one may have lost his leg and the other may have kept his leg from an accident but he has poor use of it and pain. His pain and debilitation is just as real as for the man who lost his leg, maybe in some ways more so. You may feel you do not have a lot to live for but I know from being in that spot that the view from the inside is different than from the outside. I know the art of masking the feelings of pain and despair that we often do for others and for ourselves. Don't discount your own pain and sadness, it is as real for you as anyone else. Don't feel you have to struggle alone. I am new here but for some reason your situation spoke to me. We all just want to be both physically and mentally "normal" and to just fit in. I had some of those problems at your age and if you will let those who wish to support and give you a foundation that is strong do so, you will hopefully let you see yourself as someone who is strong, worthy and who will add much to this world. You are getting through with all you are having to deal with and if you look around there are many who have no problems but hold their own pity parties seeking attention all the time. You are making it and you have a lot of real problems. I hope you can begin to see your value and strength. I will be checking on you and hoping great things come your way. :)



     
  6. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    You are NOT weak for feeling how you feel. It's how you feel. No need to apologize for it. It is good that you are getting it out of your system. And you are NOT alone. Just look at all the people on here who care about you. :) You may feel alone but you aren't and you MATTER. :) Don't ever forget that. I know we don't know each other but I'd be glad to help in any way I can. I'll be there I will be your friend. -Darius Rucker
     
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