What is wrong with me

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Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#21
Yea once i move I'm going to look into therapy because i am very broken
I would encourage you to do so because if he is as pathological and manipulative as you suspect, you may need help to free yourself emotionally. Guard against his love bombing and don't give in unless he proves he wants to change by working on his faults. Good for you, though, for having the strength to walk out the door and take care of yourself by considering therapy
 

Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#22
I would encourage you to do so because if he is as pathological and manipulative as you suspect, you may need help to free yourself emotionally. Guard against his love bombing and don't give in unless he proves he wants to change by working on his faults. Good for you, though, for having the strength to walk out the door and take care of yourself by considering therapy
Thank you but i don't know if it's strength I'm really really struggling at the moment emotionally. Interesting term love bombing..
 
#23
Hi ,Lostinmypain.. please please leave this relationship, u do not deserve all th bad stuff, he fast you leave the faster he’s gonna realize what he’s doing is horrible...I’m like him.. go red my posts..you deserve s guy who loves u!!
 

Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#24
Hi ,Lostinmypain.. please please leave this relationship, u do not deserve all th bad stuff, he fast you leave the faster he’s gonna realize what he’s doing is horrible...I’m like him.. go red my posts..you deserve s guy who loves u!!
So i read through what happened to you i don't know how it turned out for you but it seemed like you had true remorse. Are you saying there's no hope do you go back to doing the same things as there no change.I'm just curious since you are on the other end of this situation being one who strayed on someone you loved. Did you figure out what your motivation was.was it you or something she was doing to push you away.i could really use your insight
 

Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#25
I would encourage you to do so because if he is as pathological and manipulative as you suspect, you may need help to free yourself emotionally. Guard against his love bombing and don't give in unless he proves he wants to change by working on his faults. Good for you, though, for having the strength to walk out the door and take care of yourself by considering therapy
Are compulsive liars capable of love? I tried looking it up but i was vague as to weather they can feel genuine love.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#26
Are compulsive liars capable of love? I tried looking it up but i was vague as to weather they can feel genuine love.
I'm not sure how to answer that question, but of course it's possible to pretend to love someone because they give us things we want. This is selfishness in that the other person is treated only as a source of supply, not as person with their own needs we should be taking care of in our relationship with them. There are also more pathological individuals who consciously and deliberately fake emotions they do not feel because they enjoy manipulating others and the feeling of power and control it gives them. If you feel your reasonable needs and demands are being consistently denied and negated by someone who claims to love you, you have good reason to suspect them. It could be ordinary selfishness, or something more sinister like narcissistic personality disorder (extreme self- centeredness) or anti-social personality disorder (in which there is a desire to control for its own sake).

Do you know anything about this person's relationship history?
 
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Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#28
I'm not sure how to answer that question, but of course it's possible to pretend to love someone because they give us things we want. This is selfishness in that the other person is treated only as a source of supply, not as person with their own needs we should be taking care of in our relationship with them. There are also more pathological individuals who consciously and deliberately fake emotions they do not feel because they enjoy manipulating others and the feeling of power and control it gives them. If you feel your reasonable needs and demands are being consistently denied and negated by someone who claims to love you, you have good reason to suspect them. It could be ordinary selfishness, or something more sinister like narcissistic personality disorder (extreme self- centeredness) or anti-social personality disorder (in which there is a desire to control for its own sake).

Do you know anything about this person's relationship history?
He has a pretty bad history his ex wife of 10 yearstook off while he was at work with his kid after that he had a string of short relationships then had a 2 year relationship with a woman that cheated and lied she got pregnant then when he left she took off with the kid. Both of them hold the kids away from him. I've spoken to both of them there is a history of selfishness and anger issues but i was never told of any infidelity. I was only hinted by the girlfriend of some lying but i assumed because of it being an ex that i shouldn't take every word for truth since my own experience with my ex is that he spread many lies about me
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#29
Have you asked him about going to couples counselling with you to try to save the relationship? Is he resistant to the idea, or would he be willing to make the effort if you demand it?
 

Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#30
Omg I'm doomed he told me he loved me fairly early in our relationship and told me he had never met anyone like me in his life. He also has told me very intimate details of his past traumas and how they effected him. We got together after i had been through an ugly divorce. The other girl was getting out of an abusive relationship. He Hoover's me all the time. Refuses to ever completely let me go even when he had broken up with me a couple times. I get the love bombing thing now. He did pull a prince charming hell he stills does it here and there.and i am constantly not sure about what is real and what isn't. And i am an overly generous caring person even when we've broken up i never saw a need to be ugly. I wasn't even ugly to my ex husband who sought out to destroy me. Ugh this is not good
 

Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#31
Have you asked him about going to couples counselling with you to try to save the relationship? Is he resistant to the idea, or would he be willing to make the effort if you demand it?
I suggested therapy for his childhood issues once and he told me to go screw myself but in a more expletive version...so i doubt that will work
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#32
Please don't panic - those links I gave can be alarming, but I would caution against diagnosing anyone with a personality disorder as only a professional can do that. I would consider his resistance to therapy as another warning sign though. I think you should ask him straight up if he would go to couples therapy with you with a view to saving the relationship. If he refuses point blank, I would say his love for you, and any remorse he expresses for cheating on you, is suspect.
 

Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#33
Omg I'm doomed he told me he loved me fairly early in our relationship and told me he had never met anyone like me in his life. He also has told me very intimate details of his past traumas and how they effected him. We got together after i had been through an ugly divorce. The other girl was getting out of an abusive relationship. He Hoover's me all the time. Refuses to ever completely let me go even when he had broken up with me a couple times. I get the love bombing thing now. He did pull a prince charming hell he stills does it here and there.and i am constantly not sure about what is real and what isn't. And i am an overly generous caring person even when we've broken up i never saw a need to be ugly. I wasn't even ugly to my ex husband who sought out to destroy me. Ugh this is not good
He also love bombs then pulls back when i get overly loving towards him like if i get upset because i want to spend time with him but he wants t take off he gets mad and says I'm trying to control him. Or if i want to be affectionate it's like no but when i act like i could care less he pursues affection like a damn tug of war of emotions the less i care the more he does the more "clingy" i get the more he closes
 

Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#34
Please don't panic - those links I gave can be alarming, but I would caution against diagnosing anyone with a personality disorder as only a professional can do that. I would consider his resistance to therapy as another warning sign though. I think you should ask him straight up if he would go to couples therapy with you with a view to saving the relationship. If he refuses point blank, I would say his love for you, and any remorse he expresses for cheating on you, is suspect.
I'm beginning to think it's a lost cause and now I'm not sure how to deal with this at all I'm not strong enough for this i was already broken this has just made it worse. I am leaving of course but i dont think we'll be able to completely cut ties especially since i still love him and I'm sure he'll use that. I'm very worried for what's to come
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#35
I'm beginning to think it's a lost cause and now I'm not sure how to deal with this at all I'm not strong enough for this i was already broken this has just made it worse. I am leaving of course but i dont think we'll be able to completely cut ties especially since i still love him and I'm sure he'll use that. I'm very worried for what's to come
The relationship might be doomed, but you are not a lost cause yourself. I think couples counselling would help you to let go the relationship less painfully if it can't be saved, and if it turns out he has a personality disorder, at least you will know you were just unlucky, and not to blame for what happened. If he refuses couples therapy, then I think individual therapy for you would be a very good idea. Don't give up on yourself, you can learn from this painful experience.
 

Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#36
The relationship might be doomed, but you are not a lost cause yourself. I think couples counselling would help you to let go the relationship less painfully if it can't be saved, and if it turns out he has a personality disorder, at least you will know you were just unlucky, and not to blame for what happened. If he refuses couples therapy, then I think individual therapy for you would be a very good idea. Don't give up on yourself, you can learn from this painful experience.
Tired of painful experiences but yea I'll look into therapy at this point it may be the only thing I've got to look at as a possible positive everything else is trash
 
#37
So i read through what happened to you i don't know how it turned out for you but it seemed like you had true remorse. Are you saying there's no hope do you go back to doing the same things as there no change.I'm just curious since you are on the other end of this situation being one who strayed on someone you loved. Did you figure out what your motivation was.was it you or something she was doing to push you away.i could really use your insight
Hi,
Yes I have thought a lot over the past few days and as there is no cure for cheating but the cheater NEEDS to live the real life consequences of their actions for a little but , but if they really feel sorry deep inside and they realize how much they love you they will change and they will never cheat again because they’ve seen what their actions do to them and their loved one. If you’d like pm me and I can tell you more. But my point is a break up has to happens because that’s the only way a cheater will realized what they end done and if they really love you they will changed and during the break up look closely to them and you’ll see they’ve changed. Anyone that truly loves you and wants you in their life will changed and start to love them selves and when a person loves themselves they can do wonders for their relationship.
 

Lostinmypain

Well-Known Member
#38
Hi,
Yes I have thought a lot over the past few days and as there is no cure for cheating but the cheater NEEDS to live the real life consequences of their actions for a little but , but if they really feel sorry deep inside and they realize how much they love you they will change and they will never cheat again because they’ve seen what their actions do to them and their loved one. If you’d like pm me and I can tell you more. But my point is a break up has to happens because that’s the only way a cheater will realized what they end done and if they really love you they will changed and during the break up look closely to them and you’ll see they’ve changed. Anyone that truly loves you and wants you in their life will changed and start to love them selves and when a person loves themselves they can do wonders for their relationship.
I don't know how to send direct messages on here
 
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