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What is wrong with me?

Dante

SF Supporter
#1
Ok, so I just go about my daily life, more or less normal, and then out of nowhere my whole mind self-destructs. I started Sunday afternoon watching a film, it was a good film, i enjoyed it, then out of nowhere some dark recess of the back of my mind asks a question I keep trying to ignore, essentially variations on "Can I die yet", and it caught me off guard and rattled me and then my whole "im Ok" facade cracked and fell away and I spent the evening drinking and crying with some minor self harm, the thing is, this has happened before, about a year ago I did just about the same thing, and its these are only the times when i went off the deep end, many other times I have felt the facade cracking or that question nagging at the back of my mind and I have been able to shake it off or hold it together until the feeling passes, but my question is this: What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't appear to be depressed, I'm functional, I am a little isolated, but have no major stressors in my life, no great losses, I'm just living a normal, slightly underwhelming life and out of nowhere without any prior warning and with no apparent trigger I just fall apart. Does anyone have any idea what the hell is up with my mind? Because I'm still feeling the cracks from last night, but in a day or two I will feel more or less normal again, (with my usual self doubts, worries and existential crises).
 

MichaelKay

Well-Known Member
#2
Sorry to hear that Dante. It's the absolute worst when ideas like that suddenly pops into one's head and not being able to pinpoint why.

It happens to me too at times but most often when I'm feeling great or having a good time. I can go from watching a comedy and laughing out loud to feel immensly sad and melancholic within minutes. Maybe it's just a sort of emotional sensitive trait where the mind picks up a random negative thought and reinforces it for no good reason whatsoever.

It's not anything I could ever do myself but some report exercise and jogging in particular to help balance those impulses. I can't say if other people experience those things too or not but maybe some of us are just a bit more sensitive to it and thus it isn't just 15 minutes of feeling slightly sad like others but feel more extreme? I hope it passes soon.
 

Dark111

The Hated One
SF Supporter
#3
Ok, so I just go about my daily life, more or less normal, and then out of nowhere my whole mind self-destructs. I started Sunday afternoon watching a film, it was a good film, i enjoyed it, then out of nowhere some dark recess of the back of my mind asks a question I keep trying to ignore, essentially variations on "Can I die yet", and it caught me off guard and rattled me and then my whole "im Ok" facade cracked and fell away and I spent the evening drinking and crying with some minor self harm, the thing is, this has happened before, about a year ago I did just about the same thing, and its these are only the times when i went off the deep end, many other times I have felt the facade cracking or that question nagging at the back of my mind and I have been able to shake it off or hold it together until the feeling passes, but my question is this: What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't appear to be depressed, I'm functional, I am a little isolated, but have no major stressors in my life, no great losses, I'm just living a normal, slightly underwhelming life and out of nowhere without any prior warning and with no apparent trigger I just fall apart. Does anyone have any idea what the hell is up with my mind? Because I'm still feeling the cracks from last night, but in a day or two I will feel more or less normal again, (with my usual self doubts, worries and existential crises).
There's nothing wrong with you, Dante. You may be having either an existential crisis or some trauma is still afflicting you. Is there unresolved grief in your life? Or maybe the people around you are toxic and this is your response?
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#4
There's nothing wrong with you, Dante. You may be having either an existential crisis or some trauma is still afflicting you. Is there unresolved grief in your life? Or maybe the people around you are toxic and this is your response?
No toxic people around me at the moment, not many of ANY people atm, and as for trauma or grief, Im not the best judge of what is traumatising or grief-worthy, they are all just filed under "events", but I dont think there is anything recent.
 

Dark111

The Hated One
SF Supporter
#5
No toxic people around me at the moment, not many of ANY people atm, and as for trauma or grief, Im not the best judge of what is traumatising or grief-worthy, they are all just filed under "events", but I dont think there is anything recent.
The loneliness epidemic. Sure there might be some people around, but we're totally disconnected from them, yeah?

I'm not an expert on trauma or grief, but I know there's a tendency to minimize what we've suffered, especially if we're clued into the horrors that go on the world.

I think I confuse boredom for loneliness. I never miss anyone when they're not around. Do you think you're very lonely?
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#6
The loneliness epidemic. Sure there might be some people around, but we're totally disconnected from them, yeah?

I'm not an expert on trauma or grief, but I know there's a tendency to minimize what we've suffered, especially if we're clued into the horrors that go on the world.

I think I confuse boredom for loneliness. I never miss anyone when they're not around. Do you think you're very lonely?
I know im lonely, but I dont think im break-down-crying lonely, especially not this broken wreck of a person I seem to turn into randomly, its not just how I act, I FEEL destroyed when it happens, from mildly bored to just a complete wreck.
 

Dark111

The Hated One
SF Supporter
#7
I know im lonely, but I dont think im break-down-crying lonely, especially not this broken wreck of a person I seem to turn into randomly, its not just how I act, I FEEL destroyed when it happens, from mildly bored to just a complete wreck.
Have you ever considered talking to a therapist? Just reading back over your original post, it looks like there might be something buried that you need to deal with?
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#8
Have you ever considered talking to a therapist? Just reading back over your original post, it looks like there might be something buried that you need to deal with?
In my experience 80% of therapists are crap at their jobs, and the remaining 20% are in high demand, my sister needed CBT and had to wait over a year for it, considering the long wait list and the low chance of getting a good one, its just not worth it.
 

Dark111

The Hated One
SF Supporter
#9
In my experience 80% of therapists are crap at their jobs, and the remaining 20% are in high demand, my sister needed CBT and had to wait over a year for it, considering the long wait list and the low chance of getting a good one, its just not worth it.
So you've been to a lot of therapists and they didn't help? How were you choosing them?
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#10
So you've been to a lot of therapists and they didn't help? How were you choosing them?
I went to a few not too many, first was in school (she was crap) another couple at university, another few after university etc. At university I remember making one cry, it was vindicating. MY sister has also seen a couple, and my mum had one, and a couple friends had some (I move in miserable circles), and of ALL of them, between us we have met 2 good ones.
 

Angie

Fiber Artist
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#11
Are these episodes about the same time of the year? I know I have times of the year when, for whatever reason, things seem to come apart.
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#12
Are these episodes about the same time of the year? I know I have times of the year when, for whatever reason, things seem to come apart.
As I said, they tend to be throughout the year but I usually manage to shake it off, but this is the 2nd time now where I failed to shake it off and I just crumbled.
 

Angie

Fiber Artist
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#13
I'm sorry, I didn't see that part. I have no other advice other than to encourage you to keep on and maybe in time the answer will reveal itself.
 

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