Hi. For those of you who've seen me around on the forum, this post will be a bit different from my usual fare. I generally try and give people helpful advice if I can or just some comfort but obviously, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have my own problems. :sad: I don't know if I'll be able to describe my condition and problems clearly and in a way that actually makes sense or not but I'll try. It would be easier for me to brush this off as just a bad time I'm going through if I were younger but I'm not. I'm in my 30s and have been this way all my life. My biggest problem, the way I see it, is that I just can't seem to do anything that's good for my life. I can do it for a while but it builds to a breaking point where I just can't do it anymore and I just stop. I am what most people would call lazy. And the troubling thing is that I actually don't have a problem with it. I don't care. I know I'm lazy and I can't change that about myself. To be more specific - I hate to work. I don't like anything. The only time I'm ever happy is when I'm sitting around doing basically nothing. I'm so lazy, in fact, that sometimes I don't shower or shave for a week. It's not even something I really consciously try to do. It just happens. I just keep putting it off and one day, I look in the mirror and I've got half a beard going on and my hair looks terrible. Whenever I try to do something good for myself, it never lasts. If I try to start eating better or exercising, I will do it for about a week. Maybe two. And it's not even that I don't see the benefits. I feel better when I'm living right and I know I should continue but I just kind of fall back into my old patterns. Which I consider to be just my natural state. It's the way I am. I don't go out unless I have to. It's a little bit like social anxiety but it isn't really. I can be sociable and I don't really mind being around people but I don't want people to see me when I haven't bathed or whatever so I just don't go out. I don't know. I just don't see the point in anything. I've been semi suicidal at times but never really seriously. I don't want to die. I just can't live the way I'm living in a world that completely rejects who I am. And I know I'll never change. I never have. In school, I was the guy staring into space thinking it was all a massive waste of time. When I have a job, I hate every minute of it. It's like torture. The reward of a paycheck just isn't enough. I get nothing else out of it. I just don't know what to do. I don't think I can do anything. I'm just stuck in a perpetual nightmare. A world where I don't belong anywhere. There are people like me but they want to get better. Those who care about me think I can do better but they don't understand. They want me to be somebody else.