What is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Random, Jul 15, 2008.

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  1. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Hi. For those of you who've seen me around on the forum, this post will be a bit different from my usual fare. I generally try and give people helpful advice if I can or just some comfort but obviously, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have my own problems. :sad:

    I don't know if I'll be able to describe my condition and problems clearly and in a way that actually makes sense or not but I'll try.

    It would be easier for me to brush this off as just a bad time I'm going through if I were younger but I'm not. I'm in my 30s and have been this way all my life.

    My biggest problem, the way I see it, is that I just can't seem to do anything that's good for my life. I can do it for a while but it builds to a breaking point where I just can't do it anymore and I just stop. I am what most people would call lazy. And the troubling thing is that I actually don't have a problem with it. I don't care. I know I'm lazy and I can't change that about myself.

    To be more specific - I hate to work. I don't like anything. The only time I'm ever happy is when I'm sitting around doing basically nothing. I'm so lazy, in fact, that sometimes I don't shower or shave for a week. It's not even something I really consciously try to do. It just happens. I just keep putting it off and one day, I look in the mirror and I've got half a beard going on and my hair looks terrible.

    Whenever I try to do something good for myself, it never lasts. If I try to start eating better or exercising, I will do it for about a week. Maybe two. And it's not even that I don't see the benefits. I feel better when I'm living right and I know I should continue but I just kind of fall back into my old patterns. Which I consider to be just my natural state. It's the way I am.

    I don't go out unless I have to. It's a little bit like social anxiety but it isn't really. I can be sociable and I don't really mind being around people but I don't want people to see me when I haven't bathed or whatever so I just don't go out.

    I don't know. I just don't see the point in anything. I've been semi suicidal at times but never really seriously. I don't want to die. I just can't live the way I'm living in a world that completely rejects who I am. And I know I'll never change. I never have. In school, I was the guy staring into space thinking it was all a massive waste of time. When I have a job, I hate every minute of it. It's like torture. The reward of a paycheck just isn't enough. I get nothing else out of it. I just don't know what to do. I don't think I can do anything. I'm just stuck in a perpetual nightmare. A world where I don't belong anywhere. There are people like me but they want to get better. Those who care about me think I can do better but they don't understand. They want me to be somebody else.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You say this is your natural state but you can change your natural state into something else. I know how it feels to try something else and give it up within a week or soo. You've taken a step in the right direction since you know this about yourself and it sounds like you don't like it.
    Have you tried talking to someone about this, like a therapist.
  3. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, what I was trying to get across was that I've taken that step "in the right direction" a thousand times and I always just fall back. And I actually do like the way I am. Which is a big part of the problem. It's just that it isn't possible to live that way in this world. It is for me at the moment because I live with someone who takes care of my finances.

    So basically, my heart really isn't in changing. I only really ever try because I know someday, I'll be stuck with no choice. I know it's futile because I've been there so many times. It's just impossible for me to sustain something that isn't me.

    It's a little more complicated than that. I don't believe anyone can change me. I am very stubborn. The kind of "help" a therapist could offer would just make me angry and I would just push the world even farther away. I was just wondering if anyone else here had similar issues.
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