What is wrong with me??!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SweetSurrender, Jul 19, 2008.

  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I'm sooo angry. Today should be a good day. Today is the day that i actually leave the house for once and meet up with friends....but i have woken up and i'm so angry. It is probably out of perspective this anger but i'm angry so i don't care and someone is gonna hear about it!!
    It all boils down to the fact that i can't talk to people on the phone. I hate it when i cannot get myself to pick up the phone and dial a number and just talk to my friends. It isn't as though they hate me or will be really...whatever, they'll just talk but for some reason i can't do it. The thought of having to find something to say, having all those questions, of not asking the right ones and them being angry at me for appearing so self-absorbed...well at least these are all the thoughts that will bound around my head after i put the phone down and to be honest i just can't do it!!!

    So i need to get the train to another city today to go for a night out - stupid isn't it that i can't pick up the phone but getting on a train and going out is perfectly fine. But i've been putting off planning it all because it was too much. Or perhaps just damn laziness. I've had all the time in the world to do it but i've been running in the other direction - obviously not literally, literally i've just been sat on my bed day after day doing f*ck all. But you get the point!
    I was supposed to meet another friend beforehand but as i can't pick up the phone and she's been busy it is now past the time we were supposed to meet and i'm still in bed. F*cking hell. She'll be right pissed off with me but i dunno what to do. I can't pick up the phone and call, i could text but what do i say - i'm an absolute twat??! Plus the journey will last 3 hours in total and 4 hours on sunday - i hate sunday timetables. That's a long time! I can do it, but i know by the time i get there i'll be so exhausted i'll just want to get into bed and sleep. Ok i hope you all get that this isn't because it's a long journey that i'll be tired but the fact that i'l have been outta my house for more than 4 hours and then they expect me to go out after that??! I can only do things in bits...i need time to get myself together again because that train journey is going to totally mess with my mind, bloody anxiousness!

    So i can't bring myself to book the tickets because it is too much! So i'm really angry at myself - i'm stuck in my bed, not even excited about tonight just thinking about the fact that in a few minutes i'll have to click on another website and book a ticket and that means soooo much! I bet you all think i'm crazy - and i am. It is so stupid there is so much i find hard to do but i can do it, i just have to make myself. I hate myself so much. Any other person would have sorted this all out wks ago without making enemies along the way. Why can't i just phone my friend - i hate me sooo much!! Maybe i can text another friend and get her to calm me down....there is no point in telling my parents, it is already sad enough that i'm living back at home again...yeh let show them how incompetent i am that i can't even book a train! How proud they'll be of me!! Gah! I'm such a f*ck up. Everyone else can do this, i'm such a twat. I really and truly hate me because i am so darn pathetic. I'm weak and make mountains out of molehills. Ok i'm going to have to go book that ticket....:sad::sad::sad:
  2. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    I think your phobia of using the phone is not as uncomon as you think.
    I used to be scared of using the phone, and sometimes I still am. I remember being terrified of having to phone the local library to renew a book. so much so that I made my mum do it.

    don't feel pathetic about it. but try to explain to your friends that you find the phone difficult.
  3. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    thanks kenny :smile:
    Yeh i'm a bit odd though in that talking to strangers holds no problem for me, it is my friends that i worry about. In my mind there are more expectations from friends whereas with strangers...they couldn't care less. I have told a few of my friends about my phobia and most smile and nod but unfortunately there are a few that it isn't possible to tell because they don't know this side of me. However having said all this though, i did manage to ring two of my friends the other day so that is one hurdle accomplished. It is still scary but i guess with every time it'll get easier.
    take care kenny.