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What is wrong with me..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xmissmiseryx, Oct 25, 2009.

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  1. xmissmiseryx

    xmissmiseryx Guest

    I'm a 17 yr old girl and i suffer from social anxiety. I prefer to be alone most of the time, but i have a few friends and a great family. Up until the age of 10 i was a really happy kid.. then i started high school when i was 11, and i got bullied alot for the first 1-2 yrs.. i can remember being really miserable, but not suicidle. I spent every lunch alone in the library for the first 3-4 yrs, i hated it, but i was in no way suicidle.. well, i never thought about it. Over the past 2 yrs, i've changed so much... every day i become more and more miserable and withdrawn.. i don't even feel comfortable talking to my family. over the past few months, particually the last month, suicide has been a constant thought in my mind.. it's kind of become an obsession. i think about it everyday, and search it online most days. i don't want to feel any pain anymore, but i would never kill myself as long as my mum is around. it would destory her. but i keep thinking to myself that when my mum dies, i'll drink so much that i become numb, and then i'll jump of a really high bridge or something. it's like i'm planning it, and i can't control these feelings. i feel like such a freak :(
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hello Xmiss. You'll find you're not the only one who feels that way, and I'm sorry you've had to feel like this all on your own for so long. Welcome here, you no longer need to carry that stuff around by yourself.

    Which makes me want to ask. have you talked about how you feel to anyone else? To any of your family, or a school counsellor, a doctor even? You say you have social anxiety, that sounds lilke you've been diagnosed, are you on any meds at all?

    Please post some more, tell us more about what's happening in your life.

    And welcome to the forum!
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i am glad you come here you are reaching out. I think it is very hard when you are bullied and threatened when you are young. Could you talk to a councillor about how you are feeling or your doctor. Getting therapy is important as you can talk through what went on and how it made you isolate.
    A therapist will help you now deal with your suicidal thoughts and get you some help. You are still young and know that when you get to college you won't have to deal with bullies immature insecure idiots that have to pick on someone else to make themselves feel better. You did good to come here now can you reach out and talk to you mom a relative or most importantly a doctor who can set you up with some councilling. I am sorry you were treated this way but know you can come here anytime to talk okay we care
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You've come to the right place. I've been a solitary person all of my life. What happened when you started going to the new school. Did your friends start at the new school with you?

    Keep posting here, we'll walk with you through this.

  5. xmissmiseryx

    xmissmiseryx Guest

    i am looking into cognitive therapy to help with my SA, which i've been told helps alot. i've spoken to many people online about how i feel, but i don't know any of them personally. in june this yr, i broke down in front of my mum, and she tried to persuade me to go to see my doctor, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i feel really uncomfortable talking to others about my self loathing. i know alot of people say this, but i know that there is no way out.. i am everything that i don't want to be. i can't hold a normal conversation like everyone else.. i am super self conscious and it is just getting worse. i feel trapped in so many ways. if i had a gun next to me now, i wouldn't use it - simply because i feel it's a selfish act in my situation.. my mum is 60 this month and she is already stressed enough, and i love her.. she is the main reason that i'm still here, but she doesn't know that. so i don't think that i'm suicidle .. i just think about it daily, constantly thinking of the most painless way, how i would do it, ect.. it's a horrible feeling, i just wanna be happy right now
  6. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that, Xmiss. Forgive me if i misread your message, but are you still being bullied?
  7. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    May not be what you want to hear, but you really do need to speak to someone, starting with your doctor. He can help you with getting a therapist, as well as checking out whether meds would help. Think about it seriously, because then you'll have some hope and the awful feelings and thoughts won't be quite so bad.
  8. xmissmiseryx

    xmissmiseryx Guest

    I don't get bullied anymore like i did in school. It was nothing extreme.. just people making comments daily, i remember when i was about 12, one girl in my class said something like, "if you look at me like that again, i will put you down" .. i didn't even know that i was looking at her in a negative way. i remember when she said this, i could barely breathe.. i think it was because i was good friends with her in primary school, and it was so hard for me to deal with it.. i was so happy and then a yr later, everyone hated me it seemed. i was really quiet and didn't talk much, so i think i was an easy target.. but over the yrs i learnt to deal with it.. now, people do still make comments, but in a way, i've started to accept that certain people will always treat me like this
  9. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    It's okay, honey. I've felt bad having to speak up to a doctor and when I did I started crying. The doctor reassured me and referred me to a doctor who could help me.

    One step at a time. We're cheering you on. Keep that in your mind when you go to the doctor.

  10. xmissmiseryx

    xmissmiseryx Guest

    i think that talking to people may help for a while, but it's never going to help the root cause is it.. there are many things about myself that i don't even feel comfortable talking to people online about, nevermind in person. and i can't. i can't take the way i am. and what i've become. but i'm trying to stay strong
    .. thanks for helping everyone.
  11. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Just for today your job is to get started on the road to healing. Don't think of the root cause. That is farther down the road. Take your time here.

  12. xmissmiseryx

    xmissmiseryx Guest

    what i mean is, the things that i hate about myself cannot be changed.. it's literally impossible. in the future i will talk to my doctor. i just don't feel ready at the moment
  13. JM18

    JM18 Active Member

    The people around you can be cruel for no reason, and you know that... everyone does.

    However they can't do jackshit to you emotionally... not really. What they say is just words, if you choose to, you can let it in from one ear and out from the other. The only real person that can hurt you is you, and that's what you're doing here right now. The damage has been done to you when you were young, and now you're just making it worse yourself.

    You have to get an honest opinion about yourself, about everything of you... this can't come from any relative most definetly... and the most honest one who can do it is you, but it's difficult.

    If indeed you decide to give yourself an opinon of yourself, don't compare yourself to anyone, think honestly and think about you and only you.

    I like to think that it is me living in my body and having to tolerate this insane mind of mine, so noone else besides me gets to hurt me emotionally. It's almost impossible to actually follow this code, because you care about public opinion anyway, but try to... step by step.
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