What is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Random name, Mar 25, 2010.

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  1. Random name

    Random name Guest

    I started typing and for some reason the mask I try to keep so firmly in place filtered what I want to say... I guess there's no reason to lie here. I'm a guy who was sexually abused as a child and then given gifts/money from my abuser, I'm not sure for what purpose, to make me like him, to reduce his guilt, to pay me for my silence? I bottled the whole thing up until my early teens when I began feeling depressed and eventually the bottle up emotions were released and I came to feel like it had made me nothing more than a ***** and that it had all been my fault. I started to self harm and as things got worse with social issues and confidence problems/bullying I started to go down the path of contemplating suicide.
    I've never made a serious attempt but I have come too close for it to be healthy... though I always kind of find myself thinking that it's normal to feel like this and that I shouldn't talk to people about it because they have their own problems to deal with. Anyway I managed to deal with it all by pushing it back away again but it comes out from time to time for a few months to a year and makes me seriously depressed again. The rest of the time I just feel apathy.
    I've pulled up layer after layer of masks to try and hide what's underneath but now I'm just fucked up, I've considered sex changes, cross dressing, being bi, being abstinent, I've slept around quite a bit and I only realised recently how much I've been self harming in subtle ways for years. I don't know what I want... what answers I hope to find. I'm sure you'll tell me to seek help or grow up or shut up.. but I can't talk about it to someone I don't fully trust and it takes me longer to trust someone than I'm willing to waste the time of with a professional.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    To be honest.... there is nothing wrong with you. Well that didnt come out right. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling and expierencing from what happened to you as a young child. And it is very normal to have trust issues and being able to open up such huge wounds to anyone else.

    I'm really proud of you for finding the courage to post what you did. And I hope that you can keep posting. You may not find any of the answers that you are looking for but it can help so much just being able to write out what you're feeling. In a safe nonjudgemental place like SF. To let go of some of what you have been trying so hard for so long to keep buried away. Please keep posting. It can help knowing that even one other person has read what you wrote. That one other person cares. I dont know you. But I do know the pain and struggles of feeling suicidal and self harming. So in a sense I do know you. And I do care. Please keep posting? :arms:
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I too think that its completely understandable that things have been so hard for you. You have been through some truly horrific things and never had any help or support with them so you have coped and managed and survived as best you can.

    I think to fully be able to move on you will need to look at dealing with the root cause, which is the abuse you suffered. Ideally that probably does need to be with a therapist who, with time, you could learn to trust, but I understand that right now that's not achievable, so it may be a case of walking a path to make that option seem more achievable.

    Try posting here, talking about what happened, talking to others, gaining support. Also maybe try phone helplines. Another option might be something like a support group- they are around and often free. If that doesn't feel achievable now, then maybe one again to bear in mind for the future or to work towards.

    I do hope that you stick around here and are able to post and seek help and support.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you reach out here you need to know that you are not alone
    I hope that you know their are lots of people here that care that understand and will help you so keep posting okay.
    I too was like you so afraid to trust a professional it took me along time but now i have and i am healing.
    for now keep reaching out okay get the strength you need here You have lots of strength in you to come this far so keep fighting okay but let us help you.
    take care
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