I started typing and for some reason the mask I try to keep so firmly in place filtered what I want to say... I guess there's no reason to lie here. I'm a guy who was sexually abused as a child and then given gifts/money from my abuser, I'm not sure for what purpose, to make me like him, to reduce his guilt, to pay me for my silence? I bottled the whole thing up until my early teens when I began feeling depressed and eventually the bottle up emotions were released and I came to feel like it had made me nothing more than a ***** and that it had all been my fault. I started to self harm and as things got worse with social issues and confidence problems/bullying I started to go down the path of contemplating suicide. I've never made a serious attempt but I have come too close for it to be healthy... though I always kind of find myself thinking that it's normal to feel like this and that I shouldn't talk to people about it because they have their own problems to deal with. Anyway I managed to deal with it all by pushing it back away again but it comes out from time to time for a few months to a year and makes me seriously depressed again. The rest of the time I just feel apathy. I've pulled up layer after layer of masks to try and hide what's underneath but now I'm just fucked up, I've considered sex changes, cross dressing, being bi, being abstinent, I've slept around quite a bit and I only realised recently how much I've been self harming in subtle ways for years. I don't know what I want... what answers I hope to find. I'm sure you'll tell me to seek help or grow up or shut up.. but I can't talk about it to someone I don't fully trust and it takes me longer to trust someone than I'm willing to waste the time of with a professional.