What is wrong with me?

Hi everybody I guess an introduction is in order.

I am 23 years old. I have no job, few friends, and I have never had a gf unless if you count grade school. I have what I would call mild depression. I have good days and I have bad days. On the bad days all I want to do is hide myself in my room and think of how wonderful it would be if my life never existed.

I think my depression comes from having some APD (self-diagnosed...my mild depression is also self-diagnosed). Basically when I was young I suffered from acne. I started getting acne around 11 or 12. From then on I was teased and rejected by my peers but I always managed to have a small group of good friends. In HS, I was never invited to parties. Again had a small group of good friends but because of what I would call now my developing APD I would reject them. Spent many weekends alone in my room. In college pretty much the same pattern.

Now I graduated and I find myself with no motivation to find a job or do anything useful with my life. Which is weird because I was very good at school and many people/profs think I will become a success in the future but I don't expect anything out of myself anymore. My acne has also pretty much cleared up but I have some scars and a lot of mental and emotional scars but in college and even in my latter years of HS nobody even mentioned my acne. But I have become so self-concious that I have permanently convinced myself that I am ugly. To the point that I have never asked a girl out since Grade 7 and even then I was rejected. Well actually one time I met up with an "online" girl in Grade 11 but as she was walking behind me I heard her say to her friend that my face was all "messed" up. Even without acne I still wouldn't consider myself attractive but not totally ugly like I have a overgrown tumour on the side of my face although one side of my face is bigger than the other and if symetry is beautiful then I am assymetrical. On a scale of 10 I am I guess at worst a 3 at best a 5. Whatever and no I won't post a pic. My confidence in my physical appearance is totally shot and as you guessed it so is any chance of having a love life and pretty much as destroyed my social life. Now I do have my good days. I have a few good friends that I can call up and hang out but most of the time I rather avoid any social contact with friends and especially family other than my mom and dad. I am sick of getting questions like how come you don't have a job yet, how come you don't go out, how come you don't have a gf from family members? I know they wish well but it just reinforces the idea that I'm a hopeless loser. Even on good days I still spend most of my time alone.

I must also say that I hide my depression and APD quite well. Well I guess I can't really hide my APD from my parents especially when they see that their baby boy stays home during the weekends, locks himself in his room, and has never been on dates and etc. But none of my friends think I have APD because I have pretty much lied to them where I have been when I am not around them to make it seem like I have a life. I'm pretty sure if you met me you also wouldn't think I have some depression because I am able to turn into happy-go-lucky mode out in public. Some of the happiness is real and some of it is probably pretend.

Well whatever that is basically my bio of my current life. What the hell is wrong with me? I am pretty sure I use my APD (or maybe I invented as an excuse?) is a self-defense mechanism for rejection from relationships. Seriously sometimes I really hate myself. I'm not really suicidal and I don't dive into clinical depression where I just cry for days non stop fact I only cried once in the last several months. But sometimes during a day like tonight which is why I registered here I just really hate myself, get depressed and see myself as a total loser. During these times, sometimes I ask god why he/she even put me here and maybe the solution to my problems is if he/she takes away my existence like stop my breathing when I sleep (I will NEVER physically harm myself). But in truth I do want to exist and get better but I'm lost at how to do that.

Thanks for reading my post.

 

My experience isn't a million miles away from yours.

I've got some acne scars too - like yourself, I've found the emotional scars to be more damaging than the physical scars, although it would be nice to have neither.

You sound as though you're bright and creative, perhaps more so than those around you. I've found that my intellect and imagination can be enormously rewarding sometimes, but they can also make it harder for me to connect with other people.

I made my first post on this forum a few hours before you did (it's on the "Welcome" thread if you're interested), so I can't really claim any answers or much experience.

I can say, however that I've found that I feel a lot better now that I've written down how I feel. I think, for me, it works something like this:

I know that my feelings are important, because they come from my experience. However, now that they're safely in cyberspace, I don't have to hold onto them quite so tightly. I can concentrate on things that are more important, or at least more fun.

I don't know how long this positive feeling's going to last, but I'm going to make the most of it while it does.

For me, posting on this forum is a step towards making things better - perhaps it will be for you too.

It's helped me to remember that everyone on this site will know where we're coming from - if they didn't, they wouldn't have found this forum in the first place.

Hope some of this helps. If it doesn't, check back on this thread a bit later, and the chances are that by then someone will have come up with something that you might find helpful.

I hope things get better for all of us.

Best wishes,

Stephen

 

no-one can possibly answer that for you, that's something only YOU can do by trying to investigate your own mind in deep way.

 

Hi,:smile:

You situation is pretty much like me. I go to college too, and I was an A student all my life. Like you many people/profs think I will become a success in the future, but who knows. Deep inside I want to become something, and so should YOU.

Yours was Acne, mine was obesity . Like you life was horrible (told the story, been there), but my world kind of changed a bit when somebody told me "I you lost weight, you would be a beauty queen".
Hey, I didn't believe it, but it was refreshing. So, I'm a little bit over the weight issue for now.:unsure:
I wish I had answers for the acne, but I'm not a dermatologist.:tongue:
YOU seem like a smart person, kind, and loving. I don't know how you look like from the outside, but you sure looking handsome from the inside.

I'm in my early 20s, and last dated when I was probably 14...
Somehow, somewhere, you will find love. I'm probably not the best person to hear from, but life has its ways thou its cruel, and you should look for it. Because love doesn't float with wind, it's buried somewhere on this planet, for each of us one.

I used to hide my depression very well, but not recently. I've been fighting a lot, my face is pale and sad, and the cuts on my arm are speaking for them selves. I like spending a lot of time alone, because when I'm around people
I feel more alone. The more they get, the more it hurts till it crushes me down to nothing but tears and a blood bath.

I wish you all the best and hope things get better for you
:smile:

 

excellent post. you speak even for me. i'm turning 22 soon, and this girl, 20 years old, asked why i never had a girlfriend.. because i'm 21 i should have one. i felt my chest drop to the floor. i don't think i will ever find a girlfriend because i will always be depressed. and winter approaches.. i am a winter person, but i also have the winter's blues, so that doesn't help me at all. i feel horrible. good luck to you.

 

Hello!
Yes people ask that. When i was at college one of my aunt´s friend asked me if there weren´t men at my Uni.... always a good thing to anwer...
A couple of months ago my cousin, a kid, asked me if i had someone. All that to tell me that he has a girlfriend. He´s only 10.

 

I'd say my story is just like you guys except I and others would say I'm fairly good looking, no physical imperfections. I'm 19 by the way.

But all I've done my life is stay in my home with my parents, playing videogames, watching TV, surfing the internet. I'm a second year college student and I have to be the only one that hasn't made a single friend. I've never had a girlfriend or been involved with a girl and I'm sure I never will be.

I keep wondering how the fucking hell I ended up being so fucked up, so inferior, so much of a loser?

I have to commit suicide as I was raised wrong and this will haunt me for the rest of my life. :sad:

 

Hi everyone thanks for your responses.

To tell the truth I just really felt like crap that night when I posted it. It was round 2-3am, the most depressed I probably ever been, and some things were a bit overexaggerated. I guess it was more of a vent post. I'm really not depressed typically and if I am its mild depression.

It's not even the acne scars and etc. It's the stigma I have put over myself after the years of behind the back comments especially in HS and that stigma has me thinking that I'm ugly even though I'm not. Like that 3 to 5 comment that's really only based on my perspective. I'm no 10 or Johnny Depp but then again who is? Due to my insecurities and lack of confidence the couple chances I had with women who were interested in me, I didn't pursue it beyond friendship. I really have to work on my self-esteem in that area definitely. One of my friends who is quite successful with women told me its all about confidence and how you carry yourself. Self-worth is something that is very important to succeeding in anything in life.

I also get those gf comments too but from family. Another reason why I hate getting together with family. They see a person who is tall, smart, and fit and can't believe he can't get a girl. But it's not my attributes that don't get me a gf it's my attitude and nobody in my family knows of my mild depression. My parents are also very encouraging and I'm very lucky to have great parents that support me.

Thanks again to everybody who responded. Just knowing that there are other people that can relate makes me feel I'm not alone in this world.

Also, nkrukato suicide is not the answer! It solves nothing. Maybe you have SA? I don't have SA so making friends is not that hard for me. I know for people with SA it is really hard. For me keeping them is another story. But you can try joining some clubs at your college or get involved in some extra-curricular activities like joining your college gym or playing in intramural sports. College was the best social experience for me despite not having a gf. Good luck!