Hi everybody I guess an introduction is in order. I am 23 years old. I have no job, few friends, and I have never had a gf unless if you count grade school. I have what I would call mild depression. I have good days and I have bad days. On the bad days all I want to do is hide myself in my room and think of how wonderful it would be if my life never existed. I think my depression comes from having some APD (self-diagnosed...my mild depression is also self-diagnosed). Basically when I was young I suffered from acne. I started getting acne around 11 or 12. From then on I was teased and rejected by my peers but I always managed to have a small group of good friends. In HS, I was never invited to parties. Again had a small group of good friends but because of what I would call now my developing APD I would reject them. Spent many weekends alone in my room. In college pretty much the same pattern. Now I graduated and I find myself with no motivation to find a job or do anything useful with my life. Which is weird because I was very good at school and many people/profs think I will become a success in the future but I don't expect anything out of myself anymore. My acne has also pretty much cleared up but I have some scars and a lot of mental and emotional scars but in college and even in my latter years of HS nobody even mentioned my acne. But I have become so self-concious that I have permanently convinced myself that I am ugly. To the point that I have never asked a girl out since Grade 7 and even then I was rejected. Well actually one time I met up with an "online" girl in Grade 11 but as she was walking behind me I heard her say to her friend that my face was all "messed" up. Even without acne I still wouldn't consider myself attractive but not totally ugly like I have a overgrown tumour on the side of my face although one side of my face is bigger than the other and if symetry is beautiful then I am assymetrical. On a scale of 10 I am I guess at worst a 3 at best a 5. Whatever and no I won't post a pic. My confidence in my physical appearance is totally shot and as you guessed it so is any chance of having a love life and pretty much as destroyed my social life. Now I do have my good days. I have a few good friends that I can call up and hang out but most of the time I rather avoid any social contact with friends and especially family other than my mom and dad. I am sick of getting questions like how come you don't have a job yet, how come you don't go out, how come you don't have a gf from family members? I know they wish well but it just reinforces the idea that I'm a hopeless loser. Even on good days I still spend most of my time alone. I must also say that I hide my depression and APD quite well. Well I guess I can't really hide my APD from my parents especially when they see that their baby boy stays home during the weekends, locks himself in his room, and has never been on dates and etc. But none of my friends think I have APD because I have pretty much lied to them where I have been when I am not around them to make it seem like I have a life. I'm pretty sure if you met me you also wouldn't think I have some depression because I am able to turn into happy-go-lucky mode out in public. Some of the happiness is real and some of it is probably pretend. Well whatever that is basically my bio of my current life. What the hell is wrong with me? I am pretty sure I use my APD (or maybe I invented as an excuse?) is a self-defense mechanism for rejection from relationships. Seriously sometimes I really hate myself. I'm not really suicidal and I don't dive into clinical depression where I just cry for days non stop fact I only cried once in the last several months. But sometimes during a day like tonight which is why I registered here I just really hate myself, get depressed and see myself as a total loser. During these times, sometimes I ask god why he/she even put me here and maybe the solution to my problems is if he/she takes away my existence like stop my breathing when I sleep (I will NEVER physically harm myself). But in truth I do want to exist and get better but I'm lost at how to do that. Thanks for reading my post.