I don't understand! Past two days feel like a big dream. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I got. I keep having these cycles!!! I'm doing really well for a while, then all a sudden I start dissociating, feeling paranoid, and have trouble coping. But these past two days I've started seeing these flashes of light as well! And there are phrases my mind plays over and over!! "Someone fucking KILL ME!!" "I wana die" "Leave me alone!" "I'm sorry.." "Fuck my Life!" "Please!!! Stop!!" "I'm Sorry!!" But I'm not suicidal!! WHY?! Am I going insane?! :cry: I see my therapist Monday, I want help, but I really can't take medication anymore! I really just CAN'T!! I can't do no more intensive therapy! I've done it too long! I'm paranoid of medication.. I'm paranoid of traps!! I'm scared... :blub: I don't know what is going on.. I should be FINE!! Why do these cycles happen?? Why can't I stay fine?? I'm never manic!! I don't think its bi-polar.. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!!