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What is wrong with me!?

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Kiba

Well-Known Member
#1
I don't understand! Past two days feel like a big dream. I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I got. I keep having these cycles!!! I'm doing really well for a while, then all a sudden I start dissociating, feeling paranoid, and have trouble coping. But these past two days I've started seeing these flashes of light as well! And there are phrases my mind plays over and over!!

"Someone fucking KILL ME!!"
"I wana die"
"Leave me alone!"
"I'm sorry.."
"Fuck my Life!"
"Please!!! Stop!!"
"I'm Sorry!!"

But I'm not suicidal!! WHY?! Am I going insane?! :cry:

I see my therapist Monday, I want help, but I really can't take medication anymore! I really just CAN'T!! I can't do no more intensive therapy! I've done it too long! I'm paranoid of medication.. I'm paranoid of traps!! I'm scared... :blub: I don't know what is going on.. I should be FINE!! Why do these cycles happen?? Why can't I stay fine?? I'm never manic!! I don't think its bi-polar.. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!!
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
I think you are tired hun i think lot of stress has been put on you lately that will cause problems I hope you can call crisis line if need be okay talk to someone there they will help your mind settle some. I sometime replay things in my head to i think it is lack of sleep that cause that. I hope your t can help hun i do try resting now okay nice long warm bath music on relax okay that will stop the thoughts some hugs
 

lost_soul

Staff Alumni
#3
:hug: i think you need to talk to your therapist and tell them whats going on. the voices, the flashing lights. maybe you do need to be back on meds. i dont wish it on anyone, but remember, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
 

Kiba

Well-Known Member
#4
When I hear these phrases... There seems to be two different ones.. One says it very quiet, almost crying, pleading and scared. Feels trapped. The other seems really angry.. Hates the world.. But both sound sorta like me.. I can't figure out what is going on.. I'm just stuck here confused. :(
 

Kiba

Well-Known Member
#6
I'm sorry I can't be in chat long.. Each time I go into chat the voices get louder so I hear them.. I don't know.. I can't focus on what anyone else is typing.. I'm sorry!! :cry:

I need something to distract or something.. I don't know.. I have taken a lot of walks, but I feel so distant with the walks.. GAhhhh.... :( Parts of me screaming and pleading "Help me!" right now.. and then others just mad right now say "Fuck you!" I don't know what's going on. I'm so confused.. I'm sorry... :blub:
 

Kiba

Well-Known Member
#8
I let the part of me that was crying and asking for help speak in chat.. was able to let some of my past out.. Feeling a lot better now.. :)
 
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