What is wrong with my mother? (and me?)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by ThePhantomLady, Sep 24, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    No, really...

    I mean this as a genuine question.

    When I was 15 I had a flashback while in the shower of being molested by the then teenaged son of one of her friends when I was around 4. I had forgotten it had ever happened (I suppose my brain really believed it was just an innocent game and didn't want to bother remember it) until something must have triggered it... I nearly fainted in the shower because I felt so physically sick at what I remembered.

    It didn't get better since it triggered me to relive the rape I went through when I was 13, by another son of another of her friends...

    I had kept it a secret from the world (I even begged young man not to tell anyone what happened right after the assault)... and I had lived with the nightmares, fear of pregnancy, panicking when I met him, or thinking I did... and this fear that people could see it on me. All alone...

    But that day I decided to sit my mother down and tell her. I knew I needed help I guess...

    But what did she do? Well first she asked me for some technical details. I was fighting tears and she wanted to know what went where... she asked me what I wore... and then she killed me (figuratively speaking, but almost literally)... she told me word for word that I must have done something to provoke him; because he was such a nice young man and he wouldn't just do something like that... assuming he wouldn't know what sex was. (he had some mild mental disability). I shut down as she said that... like I left my body and just let her talk... She made me promise her I wouldn't tell another soul, and asked me if anyone knew... as she said, to not get the poor guy in trouble.

    I did nothing to provoke it. He tried once before; and I only got away because his mother came by the tent we were in. When it happened my only 'mistake' was to sit on his bed and look at his toy trains.

    I did not 'let him' do it. I was trying to get away; I tried to cover my face with the blanket to stop him from kissing me... I even tried to talk him out of it to stop him.

    I was 13 years old. I didn't even like kissing boys.

    How the hell could she blame me? How can she protect him?

    During that talk I also asked her about the flashback I had had in the shower about when I was little... she blankly confirmed it; saying that he actually caught him in the act and had just told the guy to 'not do that again'... but apparently not limited his access to me.

    Well, last week she messed me up again. She told me that man (he's in his 30's now I believe) got arrested. He had been put on an ankle bracelet for assault. But during that he managed to assault someone else and the police picked him up for jail time. And my mother felt sorry for him; because the police came without warning.


    I can't fathom her logic. Does she hate me that much? Is she that devoid of human feelings that she'd rather maintain her friendships than support her daughter?

    But at the same time; when we talked about what happened to my friend (attempted rape) she was very protective and hoped that man got what he deserved.

    I have been wondering if it's postpartum depression or something... the events around my birth were pretty tough on her I know... my father was married to another woman, she just lost both her parents and I was born with an emergency c-section under full sedation and she told me that when a nurse came in and said "Aw what pretty little baby, is she yours?" my mother answered "they tell me she is"...

    Also... I recently dug a bit deeper into my past... and I found out I was also molested in school for a period of time by some older students... my mother doesn't know, and I've decided not to tell. I couldn't bear being judged again. My therapist supports this choice...

    But it hurts... it hurts having to keep secrets when I know most people can tell their parents everything and their parents would always support them and fight for them
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hugs. I believe you.

    It sounds like your mother only sees what she wants to.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Phantom Lady,

    I'm sorry you feel so bad about this...who really knows what's going on in your mother's head. I had a friend once who defended everyone around except me. It's a weird thing and I could never figure out why she did that. She was in the car with me once and someone cut me off and gave me the finger...she saw that I had no fault whatsoever in this and she said "oh you probably cut him off before"...I stopped trying to figure her out and decided I had no room in my life for her. She was always so negative to me and I can just maybe chalk it up to some kind of jealousy or envy, who knows.

    And just so you know, not everyone can tell their parents everything. I disowned my entire family because of negativity and judgment, also past abuse. So you're not alone. I just hope that you can let it all out in therapy and move beyond trying to find understanding in your mother for the things she says. Sometimes there's no answer to the question why. xx
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry about your friend, but I'm happy you got away from her.
    And I'm also sorry about your family!

    I'm weighing my ground whether or not to cut out my family from my life... earlier today I had a silly talk about weddings with my best friend and I realized I wouldn't want my mother or my aunt there if I married my boyfriend because I knew it would ruin my day.

    I guess you're right. I'll possibly never understand her. But it's just so difficult to let go... I have this thing where I'd like to understand everything and I don't like unsolved mysteries. My mother never drank or did drugs or anything... there was none of the usual 'excuses' for child abuse.
  5. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hugs. My mom does not do drugs and she only drinks a glass or two of wine. But yet she can still be emotionally abusive.

    I would love to know why people abuse but we may never know.

    Slowly cutting contact sounds like a good idea.
  6. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I went through that too. I couldn't understand why, out of 5 kids, it was just me and my younger sister who were singled out and abused, mistreated and judged. Oh thank you but honestly, I'm not sorry at all about my family. I let that wound bleed out too long so to speak. The best thing I ever did was disown them. I also legally changed my first and last names to further myself from any memories associated with those names I grew up with. I moved far away and though they tried to find me a few times (out of damage control ONLY, not out of concern for me), I had to send them a Cease and Desist letter notarized for them to buzz off. The most aggravating part was that I grieved the loss of my family...for what? They were awful. But they were family, and I was brought up to believe that family was paramount in a person's life...not so. I have now chosen my family, it's just my bf and our pets and I'm HAPPY with that. I will never understand why I was treated the way I was, why I wasn't gifted with a loving family or why I had to take such measures to heal, but I don't ask questions about it anymore. It doesn't help me, in fact, if I dwell on it, it keeps me involved in my past. It's not an overnight thing though.

    You know, one thing that is especially hard to do is forgive. Many people assume that forgiveness means allowing a person "off the hook" so to speak. It's not. I chose to forgive my abusers but only so that I could move on. I didn't tell them they were forgiven, try to figure out why, didn't try to get a reason...I just took time to say "I forgive xyz for what you did to me". It doesn't make you forget, but it helps you to detach from the memory. The more you practice forgiveness, the bigger gift it is for you because it allows you to move on, not allowing those people, or their memory, to hurt you anymore and keep messing up your life.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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