What is your reason for living ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ChaosTheroy, Aug 18, 2012.

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  1. ChaosTheroy

    ChaosTheroy New Member

    I've totally lost mine a few months ago and I cannot stop looking for a good point to end it all.

    I mean what the hell am i still around for when all im doing is waiting to finish this race ? its all i think about anymore, when I'm working I don't have to think I just do, but when the work day ends it all comes back. My Life is unacceptable anymore, I'm bipolar 1 , OCD and agoraphobic to boot. what good am i anymore ? i cant say my wife, kids, and grandson have that firm of a grip on me anymore. I've pulled the trigger on my life 3 times and god keeps saving my stupid ass...what have i done to deserve this fucking life?

    I cant call anyone cause all i do is cry when i try to talk, the screaming in my head is non-stop.

    I try to get online help but it seems like the "normal" world ends at 1 EST

    I love my family but what I am and do outweighs the good of me being here!

    I'm a mess and I'm tired of getting myself help to stop what I really want, all these pills and good thoughts are not helping me from my brain wanting to kill my body.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur children your family think of their pain i know it is hard to hold on but it is what is necessary to keep the people you do love well. If the meds are not working go back and tell your doc they are not working you need newer meds or up dosage but don't give up ok You are a mess right now but things can change new meds are being developed every day
    Please talk to your doctor try something new take care ok
     
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Hey Choas
    Know where ya at just keep plugging away as yes sometimes it just seems pointless yet ya have to find those little things that make it worth hanging on.I have 4 kids i m back working i dont take my meds but i do fall lots but i do try to find that little reason to push on.You also have too really take yourself into consideration too begins with you finding some little importance in you.Youve done good here by opening up too so use this forum as you need as lots here who understand and care and not judge.Take care
     
  4. ChaosTheroy

    ChaosTheroy New Member

    made it through the night but im still questioning why I have to keep going. I'm going to die sooner or later why not just end the fight now instead of prolonging the agony
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I can never go while my son has breath, I would never ever hurt him that badly.
     
  6. ChaosTheroy

    ChaosTheroy New Member

    I love my kids but I am what I am and that causes them grief and emotional turmoil. would they not be happier without that stuff to deal with ?
     
  7. ChaosTheroy

    ChaosTheroy New Member

    My father was bipolar and there were times i would wish he would just die...thats so horrible of me to say but it was really how i felt.

    I can see my kids wanting the same thing if im anything like my father, even though I have made great efforts to not be. it still bleeds through
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I seriously doubt it.
    I grew up with a parent who was in and out of mental hospitals, completely nuts when she was home, and once had me balanced on a ledge with her saying "If you jump so do I".
    Not saying I don't have some unresolved anger over it, but if she'd really gone, I'm not sure I'd ever have recovered.
     
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