What is your reason?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Nov 21, 2008.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    just wondering what are/is everyone's reason for ending it? maybe if others know the reason we want to end it maybe they can help us make another choice such as not ending it????

    I will start with me I guess,

    There is really not just one reason for me,but actually several.

    1 - I don't have tenn-care, no insurance, applied many times every single time denied. it is like I am doomed to this. a person cant get help with their depression if they have no way to get meds to help them. I have never been on depression meds, maybe it would help if I was but I cant get them cause the state wont let me have insurance. if I attempt again I know I can get back on it really quick, so I can attempt it and if I succeed everyone will be happy that I am gone out of their life, if I don't succeed and it fails again then maybe the state will give me insurance so I can get the meds to help me

    2 - reason number 2 is I am unloved. I get no visits, no phone calls, no emails, no letters.. I have cancer, those that know this without a doubt just do not care cause if they did they would be here right? If you have a family member and or a friend and you know they have cancer, you going to avoid them? or try and see them, spend a few minutes with them before they pass away? what if it was your sister? your brother? your mother or your father? your childhood friend? you hear their sick you going to visit them? then you need to ask yourself this. WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

    3 - I cant get a job.. I have many strikes against me, many.. been in a nut house for attempting my life and failing, have health problems because I failed at an attempt, have felony record, just found out I had more on there then I thought. been told I don't need to give up. well then you that tell me not to give up then what the heck am I suppose to do? stand out on a street corner, sell my body for money? go join a brothel and sell my body in that? I can you know? there is a brothel in Utah. its legal in that state. but when it comes to the choice of selling my body or dying, I would rather commit suicide and die. if I am going to sink low then I will sink low and die.

    4 - I have faith in Christ, a lot of faith but here lately that faith is wavering and its putting me on the bottom. so much so that I cant feel it. I cant feel love at all. then when I die others will say they tried to help me but I did not listen or whatever, but the fact of the matter is that I do listen, it is you who don't listen to me. you don't understand my pain, you think you do but you don't. the ministers who tell me they love me, yet go behind my back and say to other ministers let me warn you about her? lol what do you say to them? what warning do you tell them? that I will not listen? you got to give me the chance to listen, you got to give me time. you got to allow me to understand. you got to allow me time to accept your help. you have to give me time to accept trust. unless you have physically walked into my shoes then you don't fully understand me or where I am coming from at all. you want to help me? then listen to me. give me time to trust you. that is all I ask. yet you cant comprehend it can you? B.B. I trusted you yet you are going behind my back telling the minister I have to do my funeral that you warn him about me. God told me you did this, W. did not tell me God did. How can you warn him about me when you don't even know me that well. you think that's going to help me? well it isn't.. you say that I abandoned you, well who abandoned who? I cant even hardly get out of bed anymore let alone go to church, yet you don't even come by to see me or check up on me. you said that you did not say that you did not believe I had cancer, well you know I have cancer, yet no phone call, no visit, no email... so who abandoned who? I cant get to a physical church building anymore. I have to at times get moody transportation to take me to the doctor cause I cant physically drive, yet you say I abandoned church????????

    those are the top 4 reasons I want to end it.
  2. Lennie

    Lennie Well-Known Member

    I could use any number of reasons for wanting to end it, but the only overriding reason is that I feel compelled to do it, like it is my destiny. I think that makes me unsaveable. It's not something like depression, because I'm not depressed.
    I thought I was depressed, and I got help yet despite getting better, I still wanted to kill myself. Then I realised it was not an illness, it was simply the path I would be taking. I lead a 'normal' life on the whole, I just happen to be planning my own death in my spare time.
  3. starry01

    starry01 Member

    Life feels just too hard to cope with. I messed up, got involved with the wrong bloke and now I'm trapped. I love my son so much but all I wanted in life was to be loved and it's ironic that I have a child who can't love me back due to a disability :sad: I have a chronic illness plus depression on top and I'm so isolated and lonely. People don't give a flying F how I am or even want to know due to their own issues. My life is out of control and I'm constantly being let down and people never ask how I am or show they care. I've struggled to find my way forward all my life and started thinking of suicide 11 years ago but now I'm seriously reaching that point.
  4. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun I didnt speak out before but here something aint right. First the child was YOUR decision to bring it to life so take your responsabilities towards that poor soul. You say 'the child who cant love me back' how do you know that your child in his own ways doesnt love you? Is there a test to scale the love we feel for others? The child might not be able to express verbally or physically as YOU wish and NEED to be shown love but to say that the child cant or doesnt love you is absolutely but absolutely wrong unless he is a vegetable. Your child feels just the same as anyone else, eaach in their own ways and so each have their ways to express it. Open your eyes and observe your child closely and you will find on your own how he express himself to you. Learn to know your child and recognize his body language not only his wording or lack of wording.

    i wish you a smoother road

    all the best
  5. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Reasons to end it are numerous and wont go into details as its is beside the point. Some of those reasons i have asked and begged for help and it went unheard for too long that my only option left was to attempt with the aim to succeed but something happened and i decided the hell....even empty ill give it a last try. Went to the head office of the psichiatria in my zone and said i hve two choice. Either YOU help me or i am OUT of here. Help arrived alright but too late i had reach the bottom so now that i have the top psi of the area to put back the pieces togeter is difficult but as long as he wont give up on me, i wont give up on him. He is one of a kind and i admire him for his humanity and kindness towards me. Got to find the right pair of shoes if you dont want your feet to hurt. (either its therapy, psichiatria, medication or a mix off all them).

    wishing you all the best
  6. starry01

    starry01 Member

    Granny I'm sorry if my post caused upset. I'm having a horrible day and I'm making comments that are more blunt than I actually mean. I love my son and yes he loves me back in his own way (although he has severe challenging behaviour and can be very aggressive with his disability). I was struggling with depression and suicide long before I had him so none of it is his fault (not that I would blame him for anything anyway - he's a kid) it's just the way life has gone that has made things hard. Ok I had my son and got married for my own selfish reasons - to have the family/love I never had - I see that and shouldn't have taken anything for granted. And yes I'd be the first to admit I wish I could have the conversation and loving relationship that I would share with a typical child, but I do try to focus on what I do have and I'd never wish him to be different, it's my situation that I find so hard. I have an illness and no one around me that cares...but that's something else.

    I am responsible towards my son and have fought to get him into a good school and give him what I never had. It tears me apart that although I love giving him birthday parties he doesn't have a concept of what a birthday is, but it's the meaning of it that counts I know. I feel so much guilt that he has a mother like me who struggles with so much pain, but I can't just switch it off - I wish i could.

    I try to focus on the things that matter like when he looks right into my eyes and puts his hands on my face...they are special when they occur.

    I'm aware that this is an emotive issue and I'm sorry if this came out all wrong. Maybe this isn't the place to take this stuff.

    Take care

  7. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    umm people i love screwed me over in a big way.

    thats pretty much the basics of it.
  8. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    physically not being the man I was all of my life(low testosterone) as well as other problems
  9. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    hmm i've never really thought in depth about my 'reason'
    just being here, concious i mean, it just hurts. having thoughts is just to painful, and i don mean headache painfull i mean to have thoughts hurts i just want to carve them out of my head. breathong hurts to, it feels wrong and dirty..
    just everythng my body is itchy it just doesnt feel right i dont like being in skin my eys, they are so wierd, just balls they sting
    i just dont want to be here tbh, but i am and i hate it
    it sucks major monkey balls.
  10. Rockster

    Rockster Guest

    not being next to the lass i want to be, the build up of 13 out of 18 years of misery
  11. $MyName

    $MyName Well-Known Member

    I'm shooting 13 out of 22... You've got me beat, for now.

    I've got more than one reason, like I suspect most people here would, can't really be arsed to get into them all.
  12. A_Loser

    A_Loser Well-Known Member

    1 - I'm a faliure. Everything i touch goes to hell. I've achived nothing in 22 years of my existance.

    2 - I'm ugly. A problem that pretty much makes me unable to have any relationships with opposite sex. Never recieved a compliment, a kind word or even a look. Spending the rest of my years alone and miserable is not an option.

    3 - I have no social skills, no friends. A result of bad raising by my parents. They were overprotective - my mother, and my father was always out drinking or fighting with my mom. Mix that in with my bad genes and you get that i never even had a chance in this life.

    4 - I hate my self, from the bottom of my soul. I despise people, humanity ... a result of years of isolation and loneliness. I'll never be able to function as a part of a society. Never gonna be able to hold a normal conversation, etc ....

    I think it's not even a dilema should i kill my slef or not, i think it's neccessary to clean up the mistake mother nature made.
  13. Grimer

    Grimer Member

    That's pretty much like me.

    Eternal loneliness... I've never had a friend in my entire life let alone someone I can trust.
  14. Nihilist87

    Nihilist87 Member

  15. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I don't know how to feel good. Second best is to not feel at all, and that's attainable.
  16. seba3c

    seba3c Member

    I have nothing to live for. I don't speak to my family and I have no close friends. I hate my job. I've NEVER had a significant other. I'm tired of feeling nothing but pain. I feel like I've got terminal stage 4 mind cancer. The cancer is winning. I can''t think of anything good to live for anymore.
  17. kayla19

    kayla19 Well-Known Member

    i've run out of hope.

    i've yet to see what the point of life is since we are all going to die at some point anyway.

    i am currently burried under all kinds of stress and obligations that i have put upon myself and i don't know how to get out from under them.
  18. betteroff

    betteroff Member

    I have gone trough so much that it's basically a wonder that I am in fact still alive. It's too personal to tell even online anonymously but I have had several deaths in the family, sexual abuse, abuse, abusive relationships, serious bullying... Both of my parents died and I became an orphan, which has always been one of my greatest fears; thus I am still YOUNG. The list is a lot longer but that's my short-cut. An important thing to mention about it is that NONE of the happenings have been under my control. Due to the things mentioned in the first list I've gone trough serious drug abuse, depression, self-mutilitation, nearly eating disorders, PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and only god knows what, if even he. Basically when one goes under and is held there long enough it's so easy to just start to drown and drown ever deeper thus finally drown in that mental pain.

    Perhaps the worst bit is that due to serious bullying in the past I have NO trust whatsoever in people. I have no trust because I have no reason to trust and my past has pretty much effectively proven that to be the way to go. I don't have ANY faith in this thing called humanity, basically I just laugh at it and I can tell you that it is a pretty rough philosophy of life. Being without relationships makes me unhappy but being in them is extremely hard to me because trusting is simply impossible to me anymore. I reject because due to my past I fear being rejected and I can be extremely malignant ("those that have been bullied often become bullies").

    I have considered suicide a thousand times and nearly the only reason preventing me from doing it has been the fear of failure, since the consequences of it could in same cases be devastating. I now, however, know how I would terminate my life with the lowest possible odds of failure and I am going to do it. I don't see it as an escape, with fear or something like that but as a solution.
  19. Mike04

    Mike04 Active Member

    > I kind of given up trying to understand my thoughts and myself as every thing that I have came up with was false;

    > Boredom; life is repetitive and pointless. No matter how good or bad life is, the end result is still the same;

    > No social skills; afraid alot of times of people and friendship;

    > Im never happy. Ever. I dont know why;

    > I do not like myself in anyway and do not care what happens to me.

    I can add more if I open up my..er..letter, but I rather not so Ill just stop here.
  20. HateMeToday

    HateMeToday Active Member

    No friends, no highschool memories due to the fact i go to a charter school so i don't get homecoming, prom, graduation or any social time, i've ruined my body to the point where i don't think anyone can be attracted to me, can't afford a future, and even if i could all it would be is work come home and sleep, no fun, what's the point of livfing if you have no life? that's how i see it
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