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What it feels like to want to kill yourself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by strugglingtolive, Oct 22, 2010.

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  1. I just read the article http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=being-suicidal-what-it-feels-like-t-2010-10-20 - I identified with every single step shockingly well and realized that I waffle in and out of step 6. The biggest struggle I have faced in going to step 6 is overcoming 2 things: 1) The horrible guilt of leaving my wife and 2 kids without a husband and father and 2) the fear that I may fail and just be horribly hurt. A few weeks ago as I was riding my bike, I suddenly found myself fighting a huge urge to pull into traffic. I had to overcome the overwhelming sense of relief the idea had given me. It felt so great to think about not having to deal with life anymore and that my death would appear as an accident which would mean my family would get life insurance money. Right now, I am on an upswing, but I go through ups and downs constantly and I fear the next downswing. I am so happy when I am with my family, but I feel that I have failed them and myself in every other way possible and that I can never live up to the constant expectations that I feel are upon me. I keep fighting the visualization of xxx my face. Two months ago, the only reason I didn't kill myself in an overwhelming fit of emotional lows is that after I got xxxx safe, the door to it swung shut and became jammed. I couldn't get it open to get out the . I found myself just pulsing with andrenaline... but I eventually calmed down and overcame it. I can pretty much guarantee that the door seemingly shutting on its own and refusing to open is the only reason that my 6 month old didn't witness my suicide. Even writing that and admitting to it leaves me feeling pure guilt and ashamed. But I really do love my family. They keep me going... However, I am such a horrible person that I have found myself at times thinking that if somehow they all died in a car wreck without me that it wouldn't be my fault and that I could kill myself without any sense of responsibility. How could I think such things?!?!?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2010
  2. Darkness Inside

    Darkness Inside Account Closed

    Yeh... well i want to kill my parents and kill myself.
  3. Moon_Penguin

    Moon_Penguin Penguin astronaut extraordinaire

    i know exactly how you feel i have had that too. if there is no one to be upset about you leaving, then its ok to go. and i know how you feel relating to that link. i do too with the same problem as you. i just cant bare to leave my mum and dad behind. my dad has depression and if i went it mite push him that lil bit too far....so i need to be strong for him, as you need to be strong for you family, friends and even pets if you have any. and yes they are only pets but still if you cant look after them and your family cant, where will they go? stay strong for your family.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling so awful...what we feel and what we do are quite seperate...I hope you consider speaking to someone who can see if there is a treatment available to get your mood on a more even (and positive) plane...you and your family deserve to have you well...also, because we think something does not make us bad...it is what we do that counts and you are here...please continue to post and PM me if I can help in any way...J
  5. I'm still here.

    I'm going downhill again. Right now my mood is that I want to kill some people. I know that this is usually followed by darkness... deep... deep... darkness...

    If I talk to my doctor, will he refuse to give me the ambien I need to sleep at night?
  6. loopy

    loopy Well-Known Member

    Hi STL
    Found that article very interesting and can relate to a lot of it so thank you for posting.
    Hope that your mood improves soon. Take care xx
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