I just read the article http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=being-suicidal-what-it-feels-like-t-2010-10-20 - I identified with every single step shockingly well and realized that I waffle in and out of step 6. The biggest struggle I have faced in going to step 6 is overcoming 2 things: 1) The horrible guilt of leaving my wife and 2 kids without a husband and father and 2) the fear that I may fail and just be horribly hurt. A few weeks ago as I was riding my bike, I suddenly found myself fighting a huge urge to pull into traffic. I had to overcome the overwhelming sense of relief the idea had given me. It felt so great to think about not having to deal with life anymore and that my death would appear as an accident which would mean my family would get life insurance money. Right now, I am on an upswing, but I go through ups and downs constantly and I fear the next downswing. I am so happy when I am with my family, but I feel that I have failed them and myself in every other way possible and that I can never live up to the constant expectations that I feel are upon me. I keep fighting the visualization of xxx my face. Two months ago, the only reason I didn't kill myself in an overwhelming fit of emotional lows is that after I got xxxx safe, the door to it swung shut and became jammed. I couldn't get it open to get out the . I found myself just pulsing with andrenaline... but I eventually calmed down and overcame it. I can pretty much guarantee that the door seemingly shutting on its own and refusing to open is the only reason that my 6 month old didn't witness my suicide. Even writing that and admitting to it leaves me feeling pure guilt and ashamed. But I really do love my family. They keep me going... However, I am such a horrible person that I have found myself at times thinking that if somehow they all died in a car wreck without me that it wouldn't be my fault and that I could kill myself without any sense of responsibility. How could I think such things?!?!?