what I've realized

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by candy15, Jun 7, 2008.

  1. candy15

    candy15 Active Member

    For years i never spoke to anyone, never opened up. Now for the first time in what felt like forever I had... I blindly trusted I was finally going to be heard, that things were going to change and I was going to be alright. Little did i know things were never going to change. Just as time and time before i was asked if i was lying. My whole life I've been told I'm a liar. That I was "asking for it", or that I was trying to justify my mistakes. Since when has anyone heard of a twelve year old asking to be raped? I came to SF because I was in deep pain. I'd attempted twice already to bring my pain to a definite end, and came to SF as a last thread of hope. After years of lacking a proper support system I quickly embraced anyone who offered theirs. I embraced the idea that I was going to heal. But more than one have already asked me if I was telling the truth. Worse, I'd never doubted their pains, nor did I think I'd given them a reason to doubt mine. Because thats what people do? they lie about their pain? really? asjdflaasdfjl. How could anyone make up pain this deep? I even have fucking photographs of my rape that he sent me. Do I really need to give those up just for someone to believe me?
    ...Why are just my words never enough?

    What's worse is that I'm quick to forgive. Because the few friends I did make here on SF in the short time I've been here had been the only friends I'd had since I was twelve. And I was no where ready to lose that again. In fact, the only person who really did believe me has now left me. Whether it was just for the night in a rage of fury, I will be convinced it's forever until she does comes back. Imagine finally connecting with someone, finally feeling you were ready to let someone in again, and no matter how much you say "I'm sorry" a million times over for having said something you shouldn't, they leave. There's a chance she'll talk to me again in the morning, but how can I forgive myself for pushing away the only person I was truly ready to let in?

    So between the accusations of lying and the quick gain-and-lose of friends, I've really hit a fork in the road. I haven't decided whether I'll stay on SF or not. All I can hope for is that one day, someone, somewhere, will hear me, and believe me, when I speak. And that one day, someone, somewhere, will not get tired out and leave. In the end, that's all we can do, right? Hope that change does await us. No promises, no guarantees.

    So before I got to bed now, I hold tightly onto the hope that tomorrow morning all will have been remedied and that tonight will have been forgotten. For as much as it's worth, I'd never had anyone hold me back from harming myself my past two attempts. And now I've actually been held back (so far) from my third attempt. The difference? Three people. And they should know who they are.
     
  2. candy15

    candy15 Active Member

    ...I'm glad to see I have 15 views yet no one could find anything to say? m'k.
    Well, if I didn't know what to make of anything last night, I certainly don't know what to make of anything now.
    Thank you for reading.
     
  3. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Candy, I don't have anything to say that could possibly make you feel any better, but I just want you to know that someone is listening. I really hope things get better soon.
     
  4. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    Candy,

    I know it is painful for you to hear these things, doubts that you are being honest. I know you are thinking How could anyone think I am lying about this? Almost everyone is asked if they are lying at one point or another when they come to SF. There is always the possibility that people who come here are lying, for attention or whatever, But i know that is not the case with you. I have spoken to Gaby. I got her to tell me what happened to her on Monday. There is no making that up. So, to everyone who doubts Candy, I will tell you that she is being truthful.

    I love you Candy, dont ever forget that. Sorry I was not here for you last night. I will always be here for you, whether to talk you out of that third attempt or gossip about some cute guy you talked to. I am here for you *huggles*

    Caroline
     
  5. candy15

    candy15 Active Member

    Thank you Caroline, I love you
     
  6. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Please try not to take it personally if you get views without replies. That happens to everyone, and it doesn't mean that people don't want to help you. I think that's just one instance of you being so hard on yourself. I think, first and foremost, being respectful to yourself and giving yourself breathing room will help you to progress. From there, building connections with people should be easier. If you are highly prone to being offended due to your past, remind yourself that people can be ignorant or self absorbed and may not be intentionally hurting you. Maybe it's time to take a new step forward and give yourself and those around you another chance (but still know that I regret what you've been through- when people tell you it's not your fault, they're not necessarily just trying to make you feel good.. it's the truth- life just isn't fair.) But I believe when there's a will there's a way, and that when you get to the point where you really want to be happy, you will be.

    Most importantly, be safe!