What keeps you going?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by afton, Jan 7, 2008.

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  1. afton

    afton Member

    After I stopped going to church, I seemed to have lost
    motivation for life. What's your reason to keep going?
     
  2. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Nothing for me, just too stubborn to die. But hell, I am ready to face it anytime.
     
  3. ItsAHardRain

    ItsAHardRain Member

    that's a very interesting statement afton. Have you considered going back to church? Also, there are churches out there that include ALL religions (including athiests!). It can still be a great source of inspiration and community.

    For me, what keeps me going is hope. And the belief in spirit, the challenge that I can make my life better (one of these days LOL). What keeps me going are the things I learned to love and find joy in along the way (once upon a time I had no joy or hope), like gardening, cooking, art, music, or my child. What keeps me going is my own spirit...because I deserve to be here just like anybody else, I must be here for a reason, and because somewhere in me amidst the pain and suffering I often feel, I LOVE the Earth, if not the systems that have been built upon it. But the Earth itself is such a healing, loving, beautiful thing. From the rain to the dirt to the birds. if you think about the FORCE that moves all these things, that makes all these things what they are. There's spirit moving through everything that exists here, if you just look for it long enough.
     
  4. Daze&Confused

    Daze&Confused Antiquitie's Friend

    Bloody minded optomism.
     
  5. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    My partner was the only thing that really kept me going... I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time and he was the only sunshine in my world... before I met him I was trying to commit suicide, but when we got together I was the happiest person despite my depression.

    Whenever we're together or even just talking on the phone or online I feel so happy and like I'm someone really special. When he holds me close I feel like all my troubles melt away. Eventhough I know I have problems, I feel like, for the moments I'm with him, they can't touch me and I can take on the world if I want to.

    I messed things up between us because I've made him feel like he's hurting me all the time. But he's not. I've done a little searching online and it seems this is quite common thing to happen to relationships when the partner doesn't understand fully what the sufferer of depression and/or anxiety is going through. And it's if you feel like you're always doing things wrong and always hurting someone then it's not something you want to do, is it!?

    It's not something that's come-up out-of-the-blue either as I've made him feel like this before... I get worried and scared easily and little things can upset me and it's only after they're sorted I notice how stupid I've been and that there wasn't anything to worry about in the first place and all I did was cause trouble for myself and him.

    I wanted him to come to sessions with me so that he would get a better understanding and realise it wasn't him hurting me, because this isn't the first time he's got that impression. But it may be too late now... I've really ruined things...

    I got really upset about something silly and he even told me I was over-reacting, but instead of calming down I just pushed it too far and he started to think I didn't want him around and that he hurts me all the time and he split-up with me...

    I've tried explaining things to him over the phone and I thought I was getting through to him, but he just really doesn't wanna hurt me again if we gave it another try. But he doesn't seem to understand that it wasn't him that hurt me in the first place... the only thing he's done that's hurt me is leaving me... but he can fix that...

    I'd be so happy to be with him again... I'd never do anything so stupid again and I'd take him along to sessions whenever he could make it because I need his support and I want him to hear about what really causes me to be upset and know that it's not him...

    But I guess it's too late... the only thing keeping me going lately has been my faith in that he loves me and will take me back... but I think he's probably better-off without me if I make him feel like this... he thinks it's him hurting me all the time, but it looks like it's the other way around...

    He made me the happiest I'd ever been and he was everything I ever wanted in life...
     
  6. ItsAHardRain

    ItsAHardRain Member

    kitai, what a love story. I've had anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember and it took such a toll on my relationships. Sounds like you really love him, that says a lot about YOU (that's a good thing). The first thing that comes to mind is SPACE. Give him a little space rather than try to make him SEE what you want him to see. The best gift you could ever give to him is to be OK on your own. It's a dangerous relationship when someone else becomes responsible for your very life. I've been there so many times. I still go through it. It's so easy to get entangled in each other, the best remedy like I said is space. If you're anything like me, that throws you for a loop, makes you panicky, makes you depressed. But it's the best thing for him, so he can start to think clearly. Give him the room to remember how much he loves you and wants to be with you.

    MEANWHILE, if you could think of a plan, an idea to where all of your troubles aren't solely resting upon his shoulders, that would be so good. If there's anyway you can get a really good counselor that can help you find coping mechanisms for when you have to separate from him at times, or when you get real down and scared, that would help not only you, but your relationship, tremendously.

    I really hope you two can work things out, sounds like there's a lot of love between the two of you.

    Hang in there. I really relate to what you've said, and I know it's hard. I know it's hard to change or control the way you feel. The desperation. The love, the need. Just hang in there, keep trying. Try to find a way to live for yourself one of these days.
     
  7. ItsAHardRain

    ItsAHardRain Member

    :tongue:
     
  8. kitai16

    kitai16 Well-Known Member

    Thanks loads. But I may not have much time left (and the waiting so far has been too painful already). I already tried to OD a few days ago and I'm doing so now. I don't want to be a burden on him or anyone else anymore. I love him so much and I don't wanna hurt him anymore. He's clearly better-off without me around.
     
  9. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Reasoning Disfiguration.
     
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Belief from within and belief from someone out there.
     
  11. ItsAHardRain

    ItsAHardRain Member

    Oh, dear Kitai, It pains me that you feel there is no other option. I know I can't talk you out of it, but I will send my love your way in hopes that it will interfere. You seem like such a lovely person, and you care so much about the people around you. I know what that's like to feel like a burden. I know what it's like to carry the whole world on your shoulders, everyone else's pain, everyone else's needs. If you can, my dear, set that burden down right now. Just set it down. Burden is all a matter of perspective, whether it's your perspective or somebody else's. I really relate to you Kitai, so much so that it pains me because my road hasn't been easy either. Is it worth it to stay? Absolutely. Can I convince you of that? No, and I'm not going to try. You're wise enough to know what's best for you. All I can do is hope that you stick around, because even though I don't know you, for some reason I really care about your life, and I would be deeply saddened if you ever left. And hey, I don't even know you. I can only imagine how the people who do know you would feel.

    Please make it through this. I hope your suicide attempts fail. You are worthy to take up as much space as you need to on this planet. You are worthy of any help you need, any money it takes, any giving on others behalves. You are worthy of your boyfriends love, your family's love. You are worthy of the time it will take for you to be well. You are worthy to be happy and healed. You are worthy to be here. Your pain is your pain, and you can let it go. All that pain you feel, take all that love in your heart and eat that pain alive, eat that fear alive. You have such an immense heart, so much love, give it to yourself, and see through that sweet heart of yours as you look out upon the world. You're just fine. You're not crazy. You're going to be OK. I hope that you stay Kitai.
     
  12. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    Lack of a way to do it.

    I want to see a movie that doesn't come out till July.
     
  13. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Death. It's the reason I get out of the couch every morning. Everything needs to be sold off and shut down before I go, I want to leave a minimal amount of mess for other people to sort out.
    The thought of myself finally being able to get peace puts a smile on my face every day. That's what I'm working towards.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2008
  14. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Family, hopes, dreams.... Since I realized death wasn't a way to forget the pain I have found new outlets.

    I'm looking for that happiness I know I can find.
     
  15. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    Shit. It's definitly not sobriety that keeps me going. If I were sober for too long I'd be a goner. Luckily for me, I live in a place where some drugs that make me feel better are both legal and accessable-most of the time. My life is truly so fucked up that drugs seem the only option..... and I've been very lucky in getting them lately. I even have a methadone program I can join as a last resort. But methadone is very dangerous, I try so hard not to think of joining that program. :sad:
     
  16. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    The simplicity of being alive like resting and basic things and appreciating those things. And I'm fortunate enough to be able to rest and do what I like. I've been dying and damaging myself too much over the past few years and I'm tired of it all..
     
  17. ithuriel

    ithuriel Well-Known Member

    i havent a clue , maybe im a glutton for punishment
     
  18. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    my nephew keeps me going to be honest.
     
  19. Drifter

    Drifter Well-Known Member

    I dont know
     
  20. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member

    The thoughts of all the bad stuff that will happen if I kill myself, and how I'll hurt my family and friends, and make the people that hate me happy.

    Although I don't know how long I can keep going on that because life's a bitch and the bad stuff in my life is starting to outweigh the reasons to keep going...
     
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