What Keeps You Going?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Princeofhope, Aug 8, 2011.

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  1. Princeofhope

    Princeofhope Well-Known Member

    Howdy,

    With all the sadder threads coming up I figure I put my own story out there and let people know why I keep going.

    Well, basically this entire latter half the summer I have been feeling like complete shit, as I lost a close friend due to my own arrogance. It's weird not talking to my friend during the nights and whatnot, but I think I'm slowly starting to ease on it. I mean, it's hard to completely forget someone you knew for almost half a decade.

    So over the summer I got hired up by the Government, I can't say what I do nor can I say where I work, as it is kinda classified.

    I made a lot of mistakes in my life. A lot of friends who I no longer talk to, or maybe we'll talk once in a blue moon. Just a lot of memories of regret and remorse...the sad realization that I am kind of a dick to people because I'm afraid of them hating me. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, I don't know.

    I've been looking back at loads of emails from people who I've used to talk to and I keep asking myself how i could've done it better. It's guilt, remorse, or whatever you want to call it. I guess that's what keeps me going, it's proof that I am alive and I am a living breathing being.

    So now here I am, on the week's eve of my shipment looking back at all the people I met, learning to keep walking in a sandstorm when every memory is fading like the sands being thrown around a desert.

    Maybe God had a reason for me being alone, I'm not going to doubt what he planned out...I learned to not put the blame on him anymore. It's my life and I need to live it.

    Still it fucking sucks. After I took a military exam today I ended up going to the beach and just watched the ocean for some reason. I don't know what I want in life but I'm keeping the movement going.

    I'm going to keep living because I want to see another sunrise and another tomorrow. I don't know why but it's what my soul is telling me to do. This guilt and remorse will always stay, but I think I'll wear it like a badge of remembrance of how often I screwed up in life.

    Maybe I'll get it right just once.

    Anyways, that's my reason to keep going. The will to see another tomorrow.

    What about you guys?
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Princeofhope,

    :hug: Your post was so lovely and deep! It made me a little emotional, I have to say! :D

    I sit down and just reminisce sometimes, thinking about all the people I've known, wishing I could have gotten to know lots of them better, and wondering what each person is doing at the moment.

    It's really sad knowing that I have so few friends and that I'm living a very solitary life. My dream is to settle down with a life I can feel stable holding onto - in particular a steady job, plus being loved and loving another.

    Past events plague me still, especially when I failed to accomplish my goal or didn't behave well in school. Some days, those memories come back to me and I can't stop them.

    Take care,

    Alex
     
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Military is an excellent job with great benefits, good pay. My son gets 1100 a month for housing, plus his paychecks, medical is paid for through them, he gets bonuses on top of his paycheck, when he gets out next year, they are still going to give him that for rent, and pay for his college courses. They can toughen you up but I'm wondering if you are going through depression really bad, if you can handle that. I mean, it gets really stressful. Mostly if you are sent overseas to fight, and typically if you join, they will make you do that for at least a year. 16 hr shifts, long hours, sometimes double shifts. Do you think you'd be okay doing something like that? Airforce isn't so bad, it's technical. Marines, worst one you could think about doing. I'm not really sure about the navy. My brother was in the airforce, and my son is in the army. I know how tough it can be.

    My reason to want to go on, mainly is because of my kids. I also still have the hope that I am going to get better from the disease I have (doing so as we speak) and can find a way to be happy. So whatever the future holds, I'm looking forward to finding out. Having some hope and a positive additude, it helps.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2011
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