What Keeps You Going?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Keiran, Aug 14, 2012.

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  1. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    Wow, it's been forever since I've been here. I was here on and off for a long while. It was almost all over. But what was supposed to end it, just made things worse, and I wasn't able to end it. But things started getting better.

    If you don't really care about any of this about me, which I'm assuming most people don't, just skip to the last paragraph. If you read all of this, thanks, let me know what you think, but otherwise, just say something about the last paragraph.

    About a year and a half ago I started my first job. I'm 18 now and I started my job right before I turned 17(literally, like a week before). Anyways, it was good, I liked making money and being able to buy things. It's actually very rewarding knowing that everything I'm sitting here with in this room, I paid for myself. A lot of it may have been unnecessary purchases, but oh well. I mean it may seem like I'm spoiled, with the things I have, but I worked for it.

    Anyways, I started here when I had barely any friends, lost my main group a friends and all. Well, I've regained them, but I don't necessarily care for them. I might sound like an asshole saying that, but they come over my house every single day, and I'm tired of them. And if I don't invite them over, my brother is now friends with them and invites them over. So we have like at least 3 or 4 people over every day. And what pisses me off is sometimes my brother is not home so I get like one day of freedom from them for once, but then they show up anyways. Like I don't even invite them. And if they do ask and I say no, they come over anyways. That's not even right. They shouldn't do that. Don't get me wrong, they're pretty cool, all of them, but if I don't want to hang out, then I don't want to hang out. You know? It wouldn't even be that big of a deal, but they would come over sometimes in the late afternoon or so, and then they wouldn't leave till like 1 AM. Why do you need to be at my house for so long, every single day? Go hang out at someone else's house.

    So I got a girlfriend finally. Been talking to her since around the time she started at the place I work at(Target). She found out I liked her, well I started talking to her, and along the way she started going out with someone else, and that made me mad. I talked to her every single night and continued to, while she was with that other guy. I don't even know why. But she finally went out with me. Definitely made things better. But unfortunately my friends are assholes to her, not directly, but it gets really annoying. I try to hang out with her for one day and that is too big of a deal for them. They get all pissed at me. And then one day I was watching a movie at my house with her, and they just show up, and it took me 30 min of constantly just asking them to please leave, before they actually left. It's a date, all my friends aren't supposed to be around. So now I'm 6 months into that relationship, and we both really see a future together, but it's just that there's not much going on, considering she can barely hang out because of her grandma being crazy. I mean come on. She's 20 years old. Before I started going out with her though, she sorta came into a suicidal state, because of problems with her grandma. And I thought she was really gonna leave.
    This whole summer I've done nothing. Just sit around on the computer and shit. And maybe go out to eat when my friends are over. That's about it. I feel like I am worthless. I work at Target. I really hate that place. I work like a slave to make a mere $7.80 an hour. Barely above the minimum. I push carts in the heat, and my job is harder than probably anyones in that store. You wouldn't know unless you've actually done it. People think it's so easy. It really isn't. Especially when it's really busy or it's raining. I want to quit that place. But I really can't right now, I'm actually about to start college, and that job is what is paying for it. See I have Florida Prepaid. Basically parents pay small amounts since I was younger and it adds up and pays for some of my tuition. And I could have it all paid off. There's a scholarship which requires that you meet certain GPA, SAT Scores, etc. and it pays a lot of it, and most people get it. I would have it all paid for. But during my senior year, they made it so you have to do 75 community service hours. Well, I never did it. I got really lazy my senior year. So now instead of my tuition and books and such being paid off, I'm paying for it.

    My brothers, they both go to good universities. They're doing pretty well at them too. Me, I didn't get into any colleges. Well, I got into one, but I can't pay for it anyways since I didn't get that scholarship. I'm now going to a community college instead and I feel like I'm just worthless. I'm gonna be doing the same thing I've done all summer, whenever I'm not in class. Just sit around and do nothing. I forget to brush my teeth a lot, and sometimes I just don't. I haven't been to the dentist for my usual visit, twice a year I think it is. I got the card in the mail for it, but my parents haven't done the appointment like they usually do. Actually since I'm 18 now my mom said to go set it up, but I haven't yet. It's been a while. If I go, my dentist will probably say look like crap. My parents used to always tell/make me go take a shower. Like I was a little kid. I didn't need them to do that. Well they kind just stopped doing that, and guess what? I can't remember the last time I took a shower. It's been at least a week. Most likely longer. Don't brush my teeth, don't shower, don't do anything. I'm not good at anything. I've tried doing so many things but I'm not good at anything. Since I sit on the computer so much, I would do something with that, but everything I do, I suck at. And anything else I try, I'm bad at. It's just not even worth it anymore.

    I've tried DXM a couple times, and never really had a great experience from. I was really bored yesterday. I ended up going to the store after dropping off my girlfriend. I took 40 cough gels, 600mg of DXM. It should've been a good trip. I thought I could keep it down, but I woke up in the middle of the night and threw it up. I didn't even mean to fall asleep but I did. And I had to shut the light off because my mom would come in my room if it was on when she woke up. She'd think I was still awake and she would come talk to me. I could barely walk to turn the light off. And it wasn't even fun. Why did I do it anyways? I didn't like it last time, so what made me think I would like it this time? I just really wanted some weed. I used to smoke that all the time and it made everything great. But now I don't have a way to get it. I don't know people. If I did it would make things better I think. But that DXM last night, it made me think a lot. And I realized what a lazy piece of crap I've been lately. And now that I threw up and stuff, I haven't felt well today. I think I'm alright now though. I just don't know what to do with myself.

    Alright, I'm done complaining. I just want to know. What keeps you going? You, reading this, right now. What makes you wake up and feel that everything is okay? Because right now I'm falling back down to where I was before. I'm not quite there yet, and maybe I can be pulled out of it, but if things continue this way, I'm pretty sure I'll be back there in no time. Anyways, I'm gonna go take a shower. I probably smell like crap. Any kind of response to this would be great.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wow put a lock on your day and don't answer it when your friends just invite themselves over . It is good you are goingto college though hun so you can get out of the low paying job
    Your gf and you should spend more time together without friend interfering What keeps me going is family that is it i know i have to keep working pay off bills keep us out of debt
    have to be here to support them all I hope you don't fall backwards hun I hope you keep pushing yourself to go forward ok hugs
  3. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    Well, I am going into college. But I'm going to be keeping my job. And my girlfriend and I don't get to see each other much because of her not being allowed to do much. Today has just been such a drag. I've done some stuff today, but overall I've just been thinking about everything that has happened. It's crazy just thinking how I did DXM and threw up a bunch and all that and my parents have no idea. It's like it didn't even happen. But I'm still feeling the effects. And now I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
  4. skater_gurl

    skater_gurl New Member

    what keep me going is that tomorrow could be better than today. it's not guaranteed but i always like to listen to new bands so every day i go on the computer and see if there are any new bands out there i haven't listened to. trust me i have been where u r and i am still fighting the urge to wanna die but if you die ur family, friends, gf would be completely devastated. you may not see it now but u do have a purpose in life. i haven't found mine yet but i'm always eager to find out. if you need anybody to talk to i'm here and i can see if i can help you. it's not worth losing your life trust me i've been there many times and it's not fun at all
  5. Noatak

    Noatak Member

    What keeps me going? Curiosity.
  6. GreyCat

    GreyCat Well-Known Member

    the possibility that I still could change, that I might find the strength I always thought I had to steer in a different direction.
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