Wow, it's been forever since I've been here. I was here on and off for a long while. It was almost all over. But what was supposed to end it, just made things worse, and I wasn't able to end it. But things started getting better. If you don't really care about any of this about me, which I'm assuming most people don't, just skip to the last paragraph. If you read all of this, thanks, let me know what you think, but otherwise, just say something about the last paragraph. About a year and a half ago I started my first job. I'm 18 now and I started my job right before I turned 17(literally, like a week before). Anyways, it was good, I liked making money and being able to buy things. It's actually very rewarding knowing that everything I'm sitting here with in this room, I paid for myself. A lot of it may have been unnecessary purchases, but oh well. I mean it may seem like I'm spoiled, with the things I have, but I worked for it. Anyways, I started here when I had barely any friends, lost my main group a friends and all. Well, I've regained them, but I don't necessarily care for them. I might sound like an asshole saying that, but they come over my house every single day, and I'm tired of them. And if I don't invite them over, my brother is now friends with them and invites them over. So we have like at least 3 or 4 people over every day. And what pisses me off is sometimes my brother is not home so I get like one day of freedom from them for once, but then they show up anyways. Like I don't even invite them. And if they do ask and I say no, they come over anyways. That's not even right. They shouldn't do that. Don't get me wrong, they're pretty cool, all of them, but if I don't want to hang out, then I don't want to hang out. You know? It wouldn't even be that big of a deal, but they would come over sometimes in the late afternoon or so, and then they wouldn't leave till like 1 AM. Why do you need to be at my house for so long, every single day? Go hang out at someone else's house. So I got a girlfriend finally. Been talking to her since around the time she started at the place I work at(Target). She found out I liked her, well I started talking to her, and along the way she started going out with someone else, and that made me mad. I talked to her every single night and continued to, while she was with that other guy. I don't even know why. But she finally went out with me. Definitely made things better. But unfortunately my friends are assholes to her, not directly, but it gets really annoying. I try to hang out with her for one day and that is too big of a deal for them. They get all pissed at me. And then one day I was watching a movie at my house with her, and they just show up, and it took me 30 min of constantly just asking them to please leave, before they actually left. It's a date, all my friends aren't supposed to be around. So now I'm 6 months into that relationship, and we both really see a future together, but it's just that there's not much going on, considering she can barely hang out because of her grandma being crazy. I mean come on. She's 20 years old. Before I started going out with her though, she sorta came into a suicidal state, because of problems with her grandma. And I thought she was really gonna leave. k This whole summer I've done nothing. Just sit around on the computer and shit. And maybe go out to eat when my friends are over. That's about it. I feel like I am worthless. I work at Target. I really hate that place. I work like a slave to make a mere $7.80 an hour. Barely above the minimum. I push carts in the heat, and my job is harder than probably anyones in that store. You wouldn't know unless you've actually done it. People think it's so easy. It really isn't. Especially when it's really busy or it's raining. I want to quit that place. But I really can't right now, I'm actually about to start college, and that job is what is paying for it. See I have Florida Prepaid. Basically parents pay small amounts since I was younger and it adds up and pays for some of my tuition. And I could have it all paid off. There's a scholarship which requires that you meet certain GPA, SAT Scores, etc. and it pays a lot of it, and most people get it. I would have it all paid for. But during my senior year, they made it so you have to do 75 community service hours. Well, I never did it. I got really lazy my senior year. So now instead of my tuition and books and such being paid off, I'm paying for it. My brothers, they both go to good universities. They're doing pretty well at them too. Me, I didn't get into any colleges. Well, I got into one, but I can't pay for it anyways since I didn't get that scholarship. I'm now going to a community college instead and I feel like I'm just worthless. I'm gonna be doing the same thing I've done all summer, whenever I'm not in class. Just sit around and do nothing. I forget to brush my teeth a lot, and sometimes I just don't. I haven't been to the dentist for my usual visit, twice a year I think it is. I got the card in the mail for it, but my parents haven't done the appointment like they usually do. Actually since I'm 18 now my mom said to go set it up, but I haven't yet. It's been a while. If I go, my dentist will probably say look like crap. My parents used to always tell/make me go take a shower. Like I was a little kid. I didn't need them to do that. Well they kind just stopped doing that, and guess what? I can't remember the last time I took a shower. It's been at least a week. Most likely longer. Don't brush my teeth, don't shower, don't do anything. I'm not good at anything. I've tried doing so many things but I'm not good at anything. Since I sit on the computer so much, I would do something with that, but everything I do, I suck at. And anything else I try, I'm bad at. It's just not even worth it anymore. I've tried DXM a couple times, and never really had a great experience from. I was really bored yesterday. I ended up going to the store after dropping off my girlfriend. I took 40 cough gels, 600mg of DXM. It should've been a good trip. I thought I could keep it down, but I woke up in the middle of the night and threw it up. I didn't even mean to fall asleep but I did. And I had to shut the light off because my mom would come in my room if it was on when she woke up. She'd think I was still awake and she would come talk to me. I could barely walk to turn the light off. And it wasn't even fun. Why did I do it anyways? I didn't like it last time, so what made me think I would like it this time? I just really wanted some weed. I used to smoke that all the time and it made everything great. But now I don't have a way to get it. I don't know people. If I did it would make things better I think. But that DXM last night, it made me think a lot. And I realized what a lazy piece of crap I've been lately. And now that I threw up and stuff, I haven't felt well today. I think I'm alright now though. I just don't know what to do with myself. Alright, I'm done complaining. I just want to know. What keeps you going? You, reading this, right now. What makes you wake up and feel that everything is okay? Because right now I'm falling back down to where I was before. I'm not quite there yet, and maybe I can be pulled out of it, but if things continue this way, I'm pretty sure I'll be back there in no time. Anyways, I'm gonna go take a shower. I probably smell like crap. Any kind of response to this would be great.