What lies ahead for me i do not know? will i go to hell? will i go back to just darkness? whatever it be it will be my fate tonight as a close my eyes never to awake again. i never really meant for anything to happen, never really wanted it to, but pain is way beyond bearing now and its not like anyone would care here enough to try and talk me out of it. it is my destiny to go. it is/was meant to be. how can i stay? there is nothing here, nothing here for me at all. alone in this world i walk and alone in death i go.. like a setting sun going down at the end of the day so will this life continue to drain from me.. i tried.. i have honestly put a lot of effort into a reconsiliation and a peace with the daltons that i so desperatly needed for my heart to heal but my efforts, my pleas will continue to go un-noticed. i was told i was loved more then an ocean breeze, more then the thought of winning the lottery, pleasures and treasures were nothing without me, but when i questioned why that was posted out in the open for me it went unanswered.. unanswered meant it was not true nor was any truth in it. it was placed there to toy with my emotions, my emotions have been toyed with way too much. just way too much. Was told i was bi-polar and needed meds, but then the state says i can not have insurance, they say i need things but refuse to help me get those very things that might have made a difference.. what lies ahead of me i will soon see and soon endure as i begin my walk through that valley in just a little time from now.. it is the perfect time now really is, no one is up to believe me right now, when they wake it will be way too late. this is just another post to them but to me it more then a post it is an end. yep, they may have a little pain at the thought of a loss with me but it will pass qickly as i am not ever thought about by anyone, neither will they remember me. i am just a white bird that is flying home tonight, going where only a few can and do walk but never return. so what will i encounter?? in death?? darkness? hell??? or just plain nothing?? whatever it be it is more better then what i am walking in now. What lies ahead for this white dove is a vastness of pure nothing.. because i am pure nothing. never was loved, never was cared for and those that did have left me to be alone. isint it funny how when you need those you care about the most, they are never there for you?? isint it strange that one can tell you they love you deeply yet they cant show it?? Eliane, i need you.. your were like a mom to me, really truly were. so many things that a female goes through that i needed to ask you but you have your daughter, i have no one. i am no one. David, so strong and spirutual, you were like a dream dad, it was like anytime someone tried to hurt me you were there or would be there to stop them , you said you wanted my pain to end but it never ended, it just kept growing and growing, perhaps one conversation with the both of you would have made a difference? perhaps a bible study on how to stop depression would have made an impact, but like everything else it ended. you left because of me.. because of my stupid big heart of love. stopping the heart will stop the love that smothers everyone that gets around me. close that wall from that heart and no more pain can be caused by me. what lies ahead for me?? what lies ahead for me?? Dear Lord, FORGIVE ME FOR THE PATH I AM ABOUT TO TAKE BUT I SEE NO OTHER OPTION, NO OTHER WAY, FATHER I CANT STAY. NOT NOW NOT EVER. NO ONE LOVES ME. I AM ALONE.. ALONE ALONE. AND SO I GO. FATHER THIS WAS NOT MY FIRST CHOICE NOT MY FIRST CHOICE BUT IT WAS MY ONLY CHOICE..FORGIVE ME? FOR I CANT WALK IT ANYMORE NOR DO I HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CRAWL. what lies ahead?? what lies ahead? i will soon see..