What little hope I had is now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blackbird33, Feb 27, 2012.

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  1. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    gone and I wanted to believe that one day this darkness would pass but I realize now that was just a fantasy. I'm going to try to get all my personal business in order as to not cause any unecessary burdens. But I can't deal with the pain anymore.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    The darkness, tell us about it?
     
  3. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    I'm a loser no other way to term it everything that ive ever tried to achieve has failed. Im just a total waste of life with the exception of leaving my house for work I'm nearly a shut in with no interaction with people outside of my family. But why God has me still on earth but kills innocent child who had the misfortune of being born with cancerous genes I don't know. But me I make zero impact on anyone's life. I've seen people in their 80's alone waiting to die and I don't want to end up like that.
     
  4. BigTomTooToo

    BigTomTooToo Well-Known Member

    I make zero impact. I am handed shit and I don't make any goals because I'm too average imo. below average. can't do anything cool. I'm not very sociable, I don't care about small talk and the convos die very quickly. The pain goes away. but still I'm bored anyways
     
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Is that really true? What about work, people you talk to here?
    What have you failed at?
     
  6. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    Yes this is truly how I feel outside of my interaction with my family I have no one. Work is work I don't have any close relationship or friendships there I've been in the same position for nearly 7 yrs no promotions. I have no close friends nor am I able to even cultivate friendships. The support I receive here does eliminate all the loneliness I feel everyday of my life.
     
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am glad this site helps, it helps me too.
    Do you have hobbies, anything you like to do that could help you forge a friendship with a like-minded person?
     
  8. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    Ive given up on trying to live my life. I'm still doing my daily routine so as to not notify my family that something is wrong with me. But I'm done trying, I'm done hoping, I hate living this life.
     
  9. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Your family - do you live with them blackbird33?
    I do understand. I feel the void by coming on here, with video games and other distractions. I fear the time they stop working.
     
  10. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    Yes I live with family mostly because I know that if I lived on my own I would have hurt myself long ago. Before I was filling the void with different things but now I'm consumed with so much self-hatred and wanting to end the pain that everything that was important isn't any longer.
     
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Why do you have so much self hatred?
     
  12. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    So many disappointments, failures, and just general fuck-ups. I could go on for days of how I'm a complete fuck up.
     
  13. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Could you maybe just talk about one or two, that you often think about? Would that help?
     
  14. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    I had all these grand plans of things I wanted to accomplish professionally. I have no close friends anymore and outside of my family I have no one. I'm just tired of pretending that everything is okay but hurting so much on the inside. I have therapist but I haven't even told them my feelings because I'm ashamed. How fucked up is that?
     
  15. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, BB33. Sometimes our best plans and most cherished hopes get shifted around by life...All that means is that we need to find a different path to achieving them.

    In my own experience, I found that my professional goals got delayed a few times and then turned upside down. A couple of questions for you to think about: What things did and DO you want to accomplish? What lies in the way of doing those things? How could get around or over those hurdles so you can reach those goals? (Breaking it all down into smaller goals and steps might help.)

    You said that you don't have close friends "anymore," which suggests that you did at one time...That tells me you have the right stuff to have close friends. Maybe you've not had the opportunities to nurture close friendships lately, and people do drift apart when work and family obligations demand it. It might be nothing to do with you but to do with the other people's commitments. If there are people you want to be in touch with again, why not drop a casual "how're you doing?" email to them? Or call them and say hi? If you have a hobby or special interest, there are probably local clubs or groups that you could join to meet more people.

    You don't sound "fucked up" to me. I think you're hurting so much it's hard for you to talk to anyone - even your therapist. But you've been really brave to open up here when it hurts so much! :) Perhaps you could write out what you'd like to say and show it to the therapist. Once you do open up, your therapist can be a good sounding board and cheerleader for you as you develop plans to reach your goals.

    And we're here on SF any time you want to post. Keep us updated. Feel free to PM me any time you want an ear (eye?).
     
  16. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Its not fucked up, its normal, therapists know that often it takes a few sessions for the client to trust the therapist, and themselves enough to open up. Do you have another appointment booked for the therapist? Could you maybe write something down before you go to give them?
     
  17. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    I know you guys are trying to help and I appreciate it. But I'm just tired of it all I don't believe it will get better for me i just dont care about anything anymore. Right now ive pretty much isolated myself I'm so fucking miserable. I come here because I feel that if I express myself to anyone in my irl I'll end up getting put in a hospital which is the last thing I want. I've set my date for when I'll take my life right now it's just about getting certain things in order. I don't even know if I can even make it to the date I've set.
     
  18. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Hospitalisation would only happen out of a (probably mis-placed) desire to help you, Blackbird33.

    If you were in hospital, what would you miss?
    Please, continue to get things out of your mind on her, tell us your fears, why you are so unhappy.
     
  19. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    I don't want to live but I'm too afraid to end my life. This past weekend I was so close to harming to just ending it all. But I kept hesitating thinking about the unknown of what happens after day. Could be stuck in a hell worse than my life? The part of me that experienced happiness, excitement, and look towards the future is dead now. Most days I spend in bed just crying I do still goto work but the rest of my life is just me alone. I just feel like a shell that nothing good anymore. I'm also giving up on my therapy really I don't care about anything anymore.
     
  20. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    What has happened to make you feel you are dead to happiness?
    Please tell us how this has happened Blackbird33.
     
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