Just felt like writing down some of the things that contributes to my depression. I feel strongly detached from society and people generally speaking. More and more I feel a lack of empathy for people around me. Less do I wish for others well- being and more do I hope for a cruel fate to struck humanity. The modernization and ideals of present society is making me unhappy. The alienation of individuals, the feeling today of being left alone to cope with the everyday, the lack of loyalty, goodness among peers and lack of bonding is putting me off. It all appears like a senseless race to breed, work your ass off and die. Gives me ltitle satisfication and motivation to keep life going. I don't want to live that way but no alternatives are available. I find it hard to put trust in people, even my friends but especially people that I approach in everyday life. Considering the deceiveful nature of humanity is it that wrong to think so? I have seen enough examples in my short time of living to make me certain that expecting eventual acts of betrayal is better than to be suddently surprised by it. Actually thats the worst experience to be let down and betrayed withouth expecting it. Its hard to truly find a partner that I would trust enough to settle with. Too often I chynically think of various motives that would lead someone to be interested in becoming engaged with me. I don't think all are like that, but theese days how can I be certain with anyone specific? Feelings of aggression and rage lightens through me in periods. I feel the urge to inflict great pain upon provocative, mouthy smugs. Doesn't have to be anyone that in specific have wronged me, but any smug that like to put others down. Sometimes I just hope for a provocative comment to give me a motive to fight them. Maybe its a need to let out rage, vent out frustration, who knows. But at its worst I spend time plotting and fantasizing about tormenting such people through great pain and in brutal ways. I even find myself wishing pain, havoc and chaos upon humanity of this world. Deceitful and evil as human kind appears the question that ponders my mind is why would it deserve any better? I find myself wishing destruction and illness upon others, although its usually followed up by moments of regret and shame for making such thoughts. Which puts me down even more. Which in turns makes an evil circle I guess. At times when wondering by the ocean and feeling the wild wind whipping against me and beholding the wild ocean steams lively unfolding I fantasize about to tie myself up with heavy chains and make a jump into the deep blue sea. To leave behind the depression. The pain. The anger. The agony. The hate. Everything. More and more do I reflect the question of what is really making life worth living. It appears that people don't like to go in depths about things in life. Part of growing up is to ignore theese things and to maintain a non-problematic facade, have a family, children and not have acknowledge issues in life. At least officially its a taboo. If being an "adult" is about dealing with uncomfortable matters through denial then how great can life be? I find it hard to find a reason to make life worth living. It feels like nothing is truly authentic but rather shallow, fake and facade riddled. I can't stand it.