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What makes you feel like there's no other option than suicide?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by boo, Jul 30, 2010.

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  1. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    What makes you feel like there's no other option than suicide?

    Is your mind clouded by intense pressure? Or are you thinking rationally?
    Have you truly considered all the available options? Or are the options left on the table not achievable? Or you simply don't care for them and you've had enough.
    People who try to help suicidal people tend to give general advices. You broke up? Just find someone else. You lost your job? Find another. But the problem is that things aren't always in black and white, but rather shades of greys.
    It's rarely one thing alone that will push someone over the edge, but a cumulative of many things mixed together that produce such a deadly result.

    What one person might find so easy to overcome might be near impossible for another. That is why i get very angry when someone who doesn't know me at all think they have the miracle solution right out of the blue. :mad:
    Probably why i never truly bother writing down my issues on SF. Because the answers become redundant.


    As for me, why i feel like there's no other option is because i've exhausted all the strength i ever managed to conjure to fight this illness. Since the 16 years of age i've been enduring this curse. I'm now 30. I don't have what it takes to undo my mistakes. Nor the time nor the will.
    My parents are old. I don't know how long they will be there to care for me. But i know it isnt long. Facing the fact that they might be gone soon serves only to amplify my pain. I will be alone. My sister can't take care of me. She has a family and 3 children.
    Also the fact that i've been nothing but trouble for my family doesn't help. I've been but a dissapointment back to back. And i feel the guilt greatly.

    The girl i ever loved left me because i was a failure. Both as a friend and as a partner.
    I'm a failure on all account.

    I'm so tired of life, my life. It hurts to live, if you can even call it that. I'm but an empty shell. Joyless, loveless there's nothing but pain. I have enough pain for 10 lives.

    To answer to my own question. Yes, there's other option than suicide. To suffer till life itself grant me relief.
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Is your mind clouded by intense pressure? Or are you thinking rationally?

    Personally, I think I'm thinking rationally. Because in the end, we all die don't we?

    Have you truly considered all the available options? Or are the options left on the table not achievable? Or you simply don't care for them and you've had enough.

    I have used none of the possible options at this point in time. There may be hope, but at the moment the light is too dim to see. I'm really trying to wait for the right moment for when I can tell someone in real life how I feel and actually get this big ball of shit rolling.

    But I guess there's always the chance that I never come across that little boost I will need to seek help. I may just walk in front of a bus. The future is full of possibilities...:unsure:
  3. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Oh gosh, I don't have the time to respond properly right now. But I'll do so after I get back home later today, ok?

    Btw, I'm going to be 30 in a few days, as well. :)
  4. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    You know i'm always looking for your post :)
  5. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I was raised to be competitive. I played the piano, I went to the Y, I played tennis, I did the spelling bees, I won in science fairs, I was recognized in high school for potential to be a trial lawyer, I graduated from the law academy, I was captain of the so-and-so team, I was pre-law in college, I did the mock trial thing. I met a lot of people in Hartford where I lived for six years there. I got out of there on the Dean's List with a 3.5 in my last semester two years ago.

    And I fucked. It all. Up. All that potential gone to waste.

    Every relationship and friendship I've had, I found something to pull out of cards to find a reason to justify breaking it up, so I raised my standards impossibly high to ensure that nearly no one could meet them, and that way I would never feel abandoned or neglected or used by anyone, ever.

    I did manage to accumulate what's now $150,000 in private student loan debts after I've fallen into default on two of them and being sued by Wells Fargo for however many $35,000 dollars. My credit is terrible and I'll never be able to live independently. I'll never be able to afford a respectable law school education because I'll never be able to get another loan, ever. Everyone else is getting places, doing things, starting new real careers, leaving grad school, getting married, traveling, having children, buying houses and condos, having thriving social lives, and here I am still hustling like some fucking drifter, having apparently lots of bad luck.

    I don't know what's worse. The inevitability of having a humiliating, embarrassing future, or having failed my first and second attempts a decade ago having known with a 100% accurate prophecy that the future was going to be exactly like this. There's no reason to believe another decade down the line that it won't be the same.

    I'm too "weird," I'm easily disgusted and disappointed by people, and not likable to anyone, I have odd behaviors, so obviously not likely to excel in anything nor have any fulfilling future because I don't get along with others. I'm likely to be alone the rest of my life and probably will become a demented homeless bum in the streets; either that or a freeloading bum. Either way, a bum.

    So no, I know there is no other option because nothing else has worked and I don't think anything ever will. I don't like being the joke in the family, the cautionary tale, the humiliation from everyone knowing that I'm a failure is inescapable. Because I was raised to be competitive, and eventually win at life, but I haven't. So now I'm filled with shame.

    In the old days, such shame justified one's suicide, to avoid shaming the family and wasting their time, too. I think it's rational.
  6. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    It's too much pressure to succeed so quickly and have so many people in the family waiting and relying on you to be successful. I was the first one in my family ever to even go to college, so it's extremely embarrassing for me to even be around or talk to them. In a way I'm even pushing them away so that I don't feel even worse about myself.
  7. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    How did you messed up the law school?
    And yea, nothing like seeing everyone going the distance and accomplish so many things. I feel like a kid.
  8. Stray

    Stray Account Closed

    been squeezed from all sides with problems.
  9. That my dreams wont come true and nobody cares.
  10. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I sent you a PM.
  11. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    My male puberty and adulthood damaged my body in such a way that I could never look female no matter what I try to do, surgery or otherwise. I feel like I'm just in the wrong body.

    Note: my chromosomes are XY, so in some sense I should have been male, meaning my mind is the part that was programmed wrongly. Not that there is much of a point to the question.
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    When I ask for help- which is risky for me, and I get shit upon. When my psych ward is not the safest place to be. When nobody listens to how serious I am when I say "I might kill myself in the next 48 hours." My crises are very intense, and more often than not I get emotionally hit around by professionals when I go see them because I'm tellin' them- I know what help I need and I want to live. They tend to think I'm feeling fine.
  13. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    The law academy was a program within my high school. Won't ever be able to go to law school.
  14. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I have fallen below expectations in some ways and have my bad days. I just hang on with faith and belief. It saves me. I hope you all can find this too. I am praying for us all....
  15. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    ...how thoughtful
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