my mom, i could never do that to her. We use to be best friends but during high school i was such a pain to her and i regret alot of the things i put her thru. And still she was always there for me. even after the worst fight and it seems we completely hate each other the next day it seems like nothing even happened. i wish she could know how much i love her..
What makes you stick around and not do it
- Thread starter seithkein
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My dad said that the true victims of suicide are the survivors - and I believe this, for all the devastation I've sustained from my mom's suicide. The DSM-V lists the stress level of surviving a suicide as "catastrophic" -- the same level as a concentration camp experience.
Even in my darkest moments, and there have been some scary ones, I'd never want to inflict that on anyone.
But, realisticly, I'd have to say that the only thing that really separates me from suicide are my anti-depressants and mood stabilizers.
My depression has become so severe after my mom's death that I have to take them or I instantly become recklessly suicidal.
Also, the knoweldge that this is an illness also keeps me from taking my suicidal thoughts too seriously. I take them with a grain of salt and reach out -- reach out to crisis lines, whatever.
I'm shamelessly NOT going to die from this.
Even in my darkest moments, and there have been some scary ones, I'd never want to inflict that on anyone.
But, realisticly, I'd have to say that the only thing that really separates me from suicide are my anti-depressants and mood stabilizers.
My depression has become so severe after my mom's death that I have to take them or I instantly become recklessly suicidal.
Also, the knoweldge that this is an illness also keeps me from taking my suicidal thoughts too seriously. I take them with a grain of salt and reach out -- reach out to crisis lines, whatever.
I'm shamelessly NOT going to die from this.
I think its a combination of mood and opportunity.
I have to be feeling suicidal enough to do it. And I'm not in that place every day. It is more intense some days than other.
And then there needs to be an easy, effective method available. Something which isn't too violent or too risky (as in something you might survive with severe injuries).
I guess suicide is also option 2. Although the preferred option of solving problems somehow usually seems impossible, more like a pipedream than anything else.
I have to be feeling suicidal enough to do it. And I'm not in that place every day. It is more intense some days than other.
And then there needs to be an easy, effective method available. Something which isn't too violent or too risky (as in something you might survive with severe injuries).
I guess suicide is also option 2. Although the preferred option of solving problems somehow usually seems impossible, more like a pipedream than anything else.
I'm still here cause I'm afraid of what my suicide would do to my kids and family, not to mention my two beloved dogs. What would happen to my dogs if I were gone? I would feel so guilty for leaving them, it's worse than my current feeling of being completely useless to everyone I love.
I don't really know what's keeping me alive, maybe just fear of the unknown. However the fear of the unknown after death is becoming equal to the fear of what more damage I will do by staying alive... I don't know which is worse: the instant permanent devestation of my suicide or the slow ongoing pain of my miserable hopeless existance. I honestly don't know. Things are getting so bad here that I'm sure one day soon the scales will tip in favor of immediate death. I'm just prolonging the damage I do to my loved ones by staying alive - and for what?? I see no solution inthe near future.
I am really afraid of dying but equally afraid of living.
I don't really know what's keeping me alive, maybe just fear of the unknown. However the fear of the unknown after death is becoming equal to the fear of what more damage I will do by staying alive... I don't know which is worse: the instant permanent devestation of my suicide or the slow ongoing pain of my miserable hopeless existance. I honestly don't know. Things are getting so bad here that I'm sure one day soon the scales will tip in favor of immediate death. I'm just prolonging the damage I do to my loved ones by staying alive - and for what?? I see no solution inthe near future.
I am really afraid of dying but equally afraid of living.
G
Hey least, must say I feel exactly the same way as you do. I'm petrified of death in case there IS a hell.... But right now I hate life because it is hell anyway...
I tried to kill myself 13 years ago tomorrow, just before my son's 2nd birthday. He and my wife would be over my death by now, and my daughter wouldn't have been born. I so wish it had worked those years ago, but I'm scared to try again in case it fails.
If I had a foolproof way? I'd probably go for it, in spite of a fear of what's on the "other side"
I tried to kill myself 13 years ago tomorrow, just before my son's 2nd birthday. He and my wife would be over my death by now, and my daughter wouldn't have been born. I so wish it had worked those years ago, but I'm scared to try again in case it fails.
If I had a foolproof way? I'd probably go for it, in spite of a fear of what's on the "other side"
Pretty standard for severe depression. Actually -- a thought I had like that is why they put me on hold at the hospital last time. It went away. But, I felt very cut off and didn't care.
I hope that you find a better way out of this than suicide -- I know you dont' probably care about this either --but there are other doors.
I hope that you find a better way out of this than suicide -- I know you dont' probably care about this either --but there are other doors.
In my case, I stick around because even after doing extensive research, I just can't find a perfect method -- one that's reliable, relatively quick and painless, does not present a physical danger to others, does not require an advanced degree in engineering or chemistry to execute, where the instruments are readily available (i.e. you don't have to break the law or drain your kid's college fund to get them), and where the consequences of failure aren't devastating. It would be a supreme irony, to say the least, to not only fail at one's suicide, but to end up an invalid or in the can, or both. Plus, virtually all methods leave an awful mess, totally inconsistent with the dignity of (theoretically) regaining control over one's fate: many poisons cause abundant vomiting; muscles in the nether regions of one's body relax immediately after death causing your wastes to exit spontaneously (being delicate here). I guess I still care about life enough that I don't want my husband to find my corpse marinating in such a cocktail. (As for merely finding my corpse, I think it would do him good to finally listen to me for once.) Plus, I lack the willpower. It's as simple as that.
G
Oenone, when I found this site it was as a result of a Google. I was kinda hoping to find a Suicide How To- becasue I have the same feelings about screwing it up as you do.
After my previous attempt, 13 years ago today, I ended up in hospital for a week, and I don't want that again. I just want to end it.
Also, I don't want to screw it up for others, like by jumping in front of a truck which then takes avoiding action and crashes into a busload of orphans causing a fireball and killing 100 people and closing the freeway for 5 hours, and of course resulting in nothing for me other than a scratched arm and 50 years of lawsuits.
After my previous attempt, 13 years ago today, I ended up in hospital for a week, and I don't want that again. I just want to end it.
Also, I don't want to screw it up for others, like by jumping in front of a truck which then takes avoiding action and crashes into a busload of orphans causing a fireball and killing 100 people and closing the freeway for 5 hours, and of course resulting in nothing for me other than a scratched arm and 50 years of lawsuits.
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