Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chernarus, Jul 1, 2008.
For right now its only waiting so i wont do it on my friends Birthday, what are you waiting for?
I'm waiting until I feel better and get rid of these feelings in the first place. Not planning it, only makes it worse I think.
good point all though it never worked for me.
For me, it's not really waiting for anything. My sister really keeps me going, we have a great relationship. Shes 12, almost 13. I've pretty much been a mother to her since I was 11-12, and now its great to see her as more of a sister than a daughter. Whenever I get low, I think of her. And when that doesnt work, I think of the people I have here on SF, and also my dog, Buddy. I don't think it's so much a "date" that needs to be focused on. You said that you were waiting for your friend's birthday. Perhaps you could focus more on the friend him(her)self rather than the date. I'm sure that people would be upset if you were to die, hun. :hug:
they usually joke that the world would be a better place with out me lol we joke like that but theyll get over it soon.
Because in death we'd only find nothing or jealousy of the living.
depression, loneliness and my intense fear of other people and places. it doesn't help that i see things in absolutes (one of the joys of being borderline and bipolar) and spring and early summer (about how long it takes me to come out of things) are always hard, it seems i am always reliving the death of my fiance, even though it it has been some good years ago (a little bit of PTSD i guess). it also doesn't help that every relationship i have had since has turned out to be a disaster (what is that saying "there is no living up to an angel"). my self hard and my ED always remerge in the spring. and even though i am terrified of other people being alone is unbearable. it never seems to end, i don't feel i belong her, since her passing on three different occasions my life has been in jeopardy, from throwing a blood clot to my lungs, and two different medication reactions that could have been fatal. i sometimes wonder what keeps me here, i don't want to do anything by my own hand, but it has steadily gotten harder each year. t is like it is my lot in life to suffer, as i have gotten older my tolerance and the effectiveness of medications that once worked no longer do or cause such side effects they make living my life in any sense of normalcy impossible, and i only see it getting worse...
i have a hard time seeing the purpose, i am sick of philosophical crap about learning something or being able to help other. i love my family but as time passes resentments only grow stronger, i am finding it hard to see the logic in "the harm i will do to the people in my life by killing myself" when day by day i either grow to dislike and even hate them more, and the ones i don't hate i further remove myself from...
in medical circles the debate rages about is it fair to leave some one to live in day to day suffering, i find it hypocritical not to apply this to mental illness for the sake of others and not the afflicted, suffering is suffering...
Waiting for doubt to pass, to feel ready and to fully accept my own decision. There is a fear of ceasing to exist, knowing that all that I am would be no more.
I would have to say my daughter who told me if I tried to commit again she would never forgive me, Then there is my grandaughter. She is very smart and I fear it would do her more damage, then there is my puppy "Digger". He has grown on me and needs alot of care wright now.:chopper:
I dont know how i'm still here!
today i just being taking it minute by minute is the only way i can do it.
Fear, fear of the unknown. Fear of never ending pain, fear I'll go to hell.
the pain, every time i try to do it , i get too scared of the pain i will feel in the process. i would like to be able to say that my family makes me wait, but unfortunately my family hate me.
nephews 2nd birthday, wouldn't want to be called selfish and hated, ruining it wouldn't be my intention. After that im free .........It upsets me when doctors ask 'so what are you waiting for', it feels as though they are smugly telling me to get on with it :sad:
I know thats probably irrational and its just a question so they can learn more about the situation but my brain always twists it.
ya thats all i am waiting for, my friends birtday then i will disapear for good.
The only surefire way to off myself is near impossible where I live right now.
What makes me wait? the one i love... i can't hurt her by leaving her behind if i ended my life...
nothing, either except i'm kinda scared of doing it and wouldn't even know how.
but honestly, every moment that i am here is filled with pain. it really, really hurts to be alive.
im afraid of whatll happen when i die
i dont know if people will call me selfish
or if they will die because i did
i have too many friends who would kill themselves if
i wasnt in this earth
also, for my sister..
because shes been having a rough time :[