What my Dissociation is like.. Poss trig warning..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Every day I am dissociated to some degree. I'm fighting this internal self lost in panic, lost in crying, lost in space, lost in thoughts, lost in flash backs, lost in who I am, where I am. But when I have something to engage in I am able to stay in the "here and now" and function. This causes me to talk all the time. Repeat myself. Frustrate people. Not be able to physically function without someone there to engage me..

    My service dog helped me. She helped me know who I was, where I was, guided me. Helped me get around. Helped me not feel so helpless with random crying episodes and internal thoughts telling me I could kill people and get away with it, watching someone get hurt in my head but reacting as if it was real right in-front of me, constantly viewing scenarios that never even happened. Mind wandering to different times. Times in Space, and projecting it to be in front of me. I can tell it's not "there". but my body cannot. I'm constantly flooded with sensory input. I can't stand people being near me, accidentally touching me. I'm physically so dissociatively numb that even a slightest touch feels like a physical attack.

    I feel constantly like I'm not even physically alive. A ghost. Constantly trapped wherever I'm at. And most the time I'm not even sure where that is. This is all what goes on in my head. But what do people see? Outside I may look "ok" staring- not blinking for hours. Or able to seem "Normal" But inside I am hiding those seriously terrible thoughts, visions, pieces all waiting to explode into a fit. And at times I may be physically expressing it- my autism traits. Swaying, head picking, repetitive behaviors. because I'm TRYING to stay in the "here and now" and the "stimming" is what little attempt I can make. But those only worsen the anxiety. Sometimes I can't even speak at all! When all alone in the world I am a disaster. I have someone with me, but doesn't fully engage- I'm inside still tearing myself apart hoping I don't act on everything my head is telling me. With my service dog- or someone to engage I'm able to keep myself level. Keep my emotions and the bad things in check. Why?? Why does that work?? Why can't I do that myself? :'( So much Chaos.. To be managed by sensory support, guiding, and helping me around physically.

    My service dog has been pretty much retired due to medical and behavioral circumstance. My mind goes in circles, what am I to do now? What can I do? And I'm fighting with everything I have to stay alive. To not hurt others. To not end up in the hospital. To literally be sane enough to even function at all. But everything.. Is so invisible to everyone. I feel so alone. Like no one can ever understand these things. And how am I supposed to do anything anymore..
  2. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear your dog has been retired. It sounds like you're having a rough time. Are you on any meds? That should help with the intrusive thoughts but they do take 6 weeks to work.
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    They dont help me..

    forget it.. someone lock this thread. I cant deal with this right now..
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    apply for another service dog it will give you a different focus and keep you out of that head ok i do understand hell ya but you just have to acknowledge they are just thoughts and you have the control not the thoughts you do.
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to but need find organizations that will work with me plus application costs and have to raise 13k dollars. With 2-4yr waiting lists.. Or train another dog on my own costing the dog, insurance, food, and cost of classes to train it which I have to wait to afford either way.. My head has gone in circles trying to do this..
  6. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I'm having lots of episodes right now so I'm going to try and stay away from these places right now. I see my therapist today. thanks for the support.
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Kiba. I understand you are suffering currently. Be strong, it may take time but you the support of the forum. Take care.
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I've accidentally self sabotaged in more then 1 place in different ways.. But not intentionally.. I'm not in a lot of control right now and don't want to make it worse.. I see my therapist today thanks..