Every day I am dissociated to some degree. I'm fighting this internal self lost in panic, lost in crying, lost in space, lost in thoughts, lost in flash backs, lost in who I am, where I am. But when I have something to engage in I am able to stay in the "here and now" and function. This causes me to talk all the time. Repeat myself. Frustrate people. Not be able to physically function without someone there to engage me.. My service dog helped me. She helped me know who I was, where I was, guided me. Helped me get around. Helped me not feel so helpless with random crying episodes and internal thoughts telling me I could kill people and get away with it, watching someone get hurt in my head but reacting as if it was real right in-front of me, constantly viewing scenarios that never even happened. Mind wandering to different times. Times in Space, and projecting it to be in front of me. I can tell it's not "there". but my body cannot. I'm constantly flooded with sensory input. I can't stand people being near me, accidentally touching me. I'm physically so dissociatively numb that even a slightest touch feels like a physical attack. I feel constantly like I'm not even physically alive. A ghost. Constantly trapped wherever I'm at. And most the time I'm not even sure where that is. This is all what goes on in my head. But what do people see? Outside I may look "ok" staring- not blinking for hours. Or able to seem "Normal" But inside I am hiding those seriously terrible thoughts, visions, pieces all waiting to explode into a fit. And at times I may be physically expressing it- my autism traits. Swaying, head picking, repetitive behaviors. because I'm TRYING to stay in the "here and now" and the "stimming" is what little attempt I can make. But those only worsen the anxiety. Sometimes I can't even speak at all! When all alone in the world I am a disaster. I have someone with me, but doesn't fully engage- I'm inside still tearing myself apart hoping I don't act on everything my head is telling me. With my service dog- or someone to engage I'm able to keep myself level. Keep my emotions and the bad things in check. Why?? Why does that work?? Why can't I do that myself? :'( So much Chaos.. To be managed by sensory support, guiding, and helping me around physically. My service dog has been pretty much retired due to medical and behavioral circumstance. My mind goes in circles, what am I to do now? What can I do? And I'm fighting with everything I have to stay alive. To not hurt others. To not end up in the hospital. To literally be sane enough to even function at all. But everything.. Is so invisible to everyone. I feel so alone. Like no one can ever understand these things. And how am I supposed to do anything anymore..