I have no hope for the future and I am very depressed and suicidal. I have no will to go on. I black everything out that happened to me. Every time I think about my life i start crying. I can't stand anything, I don't want help it doesn't work. I will never get over what happened to me. I am not a normal person anymore and I hate god for giving me this life. I went to cali to ^&^&. was sober couldn't do it now im wanting to score ^&&^& to give me the courage to go back & do so. I also want to &*&*&* myself. but the urgency of my feelings are driving me nuts. plus I've been drinking coffee and splenda with some sugar and cream. I don't know how long that will sustain me or if my latter method will even work If I am drinking some cream and sugar in my coffee. I want out bad and I am miserable.