Friday was really bad and more than a little scary. Got through the day and fell asleep in my chair for 2 hours didn't sleep well at all after that and spent all Saturday tired, nervous, and on edge Can't figure out a way to tell my wife how bad Friday was without freaking her out which will only make me feel worse. it's been really rough since August, doesn't seem to be getting better or letting up and yesterday was the closest I have ever come to finally trying to kill myself. Posting now because my family is at a high school show I didn't want to see. Only other time i can post is at work, but I.T. has started blocking some outside non-business sites. Chat is already blocked and if i lose this resource i'm not sure what will happen but i don't imagine it will be good. I don't know how to get past my distrust of professionals or figure out how to beat this anymore. I know it's not smart, but i put my valium in my backpack with my xanax. I don't think i can take another day like yesterday. I'm scared and i don't have any ideas on what to do. I think I'm out of options.