What next?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by She, May 16, 2010.

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  1. She

    She Member


    Firstly, I apologise for being a whinger. This is going to be quite an uncomfortable post for me to write as I prefer to keep these things private but I'm just curious as to what I might feel next...

    I'm 22 years old. I don't know if it could just be put down to teenage angst, but I first felt - what I thought to be depression - at 12 and it's stuck with me. I started cutting myself at 13 and managed to stop at 19. I started drinking quite heavily, and regularly, at around 15. I feel like things have just got really intense lately.

    It probably started at around 20 - I was drinking around 5 times a day and my moods become very erratic. I tried counselling from the university but I ended up dismissing it and withdrawing form my course. Therapy is something, at times, I've desired but I've always been too petrified about being sectioned or something. My eating habits are a bit weird too. Days of binging, days of nothing, sometimes I'll make myself sick. I started cutting myself again around that time and I became very promiscuous.

    There are periods of just nothingness. I lived alone at one point and spent three months in bed. I would sleep around 15 hours a day and going out to get food or anything was horrifying. I started to get drunk before I even went to the corner shop just to be able to face a little conversation with the shopkeeper. It would go from this to just euphoria. Everything would be perfect. I'd go out lots, party, read, write, paint, get back into the circle of my friends that I had ignored, and shop extensively. I wouldn't drink as much during this time as I felt just dizzy enough without it.

    I am having a low moment currently. I try to exercise and eat better as that helps moods. To be honest, a lot of the time I can't face it but when I manage to go out for a jog, I'm really proud. What I'm really getting to, is where will I go from here? Sometimes I just feel like I'm breaking down. In all these years, I've never felt about suicide until maybe a few months ago. I've started having really intense fantasies about suicide. Daydreams. Thinking about it helps me get to sleep and have a good night's rest - which is a miracle in itself! I'm a chronic insomniac and suffer quite badly with nightmares. This is beginning to take up a lot of my day. Will I snap?

    I'm sorry for droning on. Thank you.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Dont apologise for "droning on" as you put it, for a start I know how much it takes to right down your thoughts and how you truly feel it takes a lot of guts. Hopefully it can help you start to figure things out.

    It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with, one thing I would say is dont fear being sectioned. I have the same fear, but I found that when I was honest and open about it ( I admit I did hide certain things) that there is so many other alternatives and being sectioned is a last resort-as long as you are willing to try that is all doctors ask for.

    Therapy is a scary thing, I mean for example I am on a course of tablets to help with the anxiety once I am calmer I will go to therapy hopefully-maybe this could be a solution for you?

    Its a big step to take I know, but you have the forum here to help you, and you know you are not alone in how you feel.

    Have you tried talking to the doctors? I think it would be a really good idea to help.
  3. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Honey, you aren't whining. You're reaching out to others, and that is a good thing.

    So much about your life sounds like mine. I started drinking when I was 14, and didn't really quit for many years. I alternated between anorexia and binging. I did various self harm methods. I slept around.

    I wasn't ready to deal with it at that time, but I was trying to cover up some serious pain I was feeling because of things that had happened to me as a child. Maybe there is something in your background that is causing you to need to numb yourself with these methods?

    I hope you can find a therapist to talk to. I don't know what the laws are regarding sectioning, but I think it's worthwhile to try and work through this.

    I sure wish you the best. And if I can help in any way, please pm me.
  4. She

    She Member

    I really appreciate both of your replies. I didn't expect anything. It's nice to be read.

    There are some incidents from some time ago that I feel uncomfortable to really share with people I know, maybe therapy is the right route for those. There are times, like right now actually, where I feel I have the strength to make the call to the Dr to get an appt to get the ball rolling. I do but then I just cancel them. It's really silly! I should just make myself.

    Thank you again.
  5. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Its hard to sit there and explain to a doctor how you feel, the best course you can do is it write it down and let them read it. Take your time and then when you are ready make that call.

    As far as getting through the door it is tough, but once you are there it is actually a lot easier then I imagined, and if you do go then it will get easier for you.

    Good luck, your doing the best thing possible talking about it I hope it helps =)
  6. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Sometimes just getting past hurts out into the open helps.

    I'm like you, and make appointments while I am "up", and then chicken out and cancel them at the last minute. It can be hard to follow through sometimes. But, keep making the appointments, and it may be that you'll be able to make it in. :hug:
  7. She

    She Member

    I'm going to ring tomorrow (probably). I'll spend tonight bucking up the courage!
  8. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!! Please do make that call. And maybe this time you can make it in. Please pm me if I can help you to get the courage up to go in.
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