Hello. Firstly, I apologise for being a whinger. This is going to be quite an uncomfortable post for me to write as I prefer to keep these things private but I'm just curious as to what I might feel next... I'm 22 years old. I don't know if it could just be put down to teenage angst, but I first felt - what I thought to be depression - at 12 and it's stuck with me. I started cutting myself at 13 and managed to stop at 19. I started drinking quite heavily, and regularly, at around 15. I feel like things have just got really intense lately. It probably started at around 20 - I was drinking around 5 times a day and my moods become very erratic. I tried counselling from the university but I ended up dismissing it and withdrawing form my course. Therapy is something, at times, I've desired but I've always been too petrified about being sectioned or something. My eating habits are a bit weird too. Days of binging, days of nothing, sometimes I'll make myself sick. I started cutting myself again around that time and I became very promiscuous. There are periods of just nothingness. I lived alone at one point and spent three months in bed. I would sleep around 15 hours a day and going out to get food or anything was horrifying. I started to get drunk before I even went to the corner shop just to be able to face a little conversation with the shopkeeper. It would go from this to just euphoria. Everything would be perfect. I'd go out lots, party, read, write, paint, get back into the circle of my friends that I had ignored, and shop extensively. I wouldn't drink as much during this time as I felt just dizzy enough without it. I am having a low moment currently. I try to exercise and eat better as that helps moods. To be honest, a lot of the time I can't face it but when I manage to go out for a jog, I'm really proud. What I'm really getting to, is where will I go from here? Sometimes I just feel like I'm breaking down. In all these years, I've never felt about suicide until maybe a few months ago. I've started having really intense fantasies about suicide. Daydreams. Thinking about it helps me get to sleep and have a good night's rest - which is a miracle in itself! I'm a chronic insomniac and suffer quite badly with nightmares. This is beginning to take up a lot of my day. Will I snap? I'm sorry for droning on. Thank you.