I am nearly 20 and I have achieved nothing in life so far. I don't think I every could. I have a fairly normal family (compared to most people) but yet I am still a dropout and a crew up. A part of me thinks there is a chance I do have BDD but my flaws and faults are very real to me. I feel pathetic for even thinking there's a small chance I have BDD. I feel like a idiot for being the way I am, anyone else could just get on with it. I have one friend in the whole world, no education, no job and I cant leave the house. And all because I think I am hideous. Yes I've thought about ending it but I don't think I ever could. I love life, I just cant seem to love myself. I think I may change my name and move away from this area I live. I hate my name, it reminds me of myself. My mothers has been in hospital for a while, she tried to take her own life. I cant deal with that anymore. I cant live around these people who tell me my life is no good and I am lazy and selfish and a brat. They maybe my family but it hurts. If I didn't think I were hideous I would be working and id have friends and my family would be proud of me and I would be happy but I cant bare to upset people with my looks. I am not smart, I am not beautiful, I am not talented. I use to think I was good at art, turns out I am not. I draw the same portrait over and over again but it never gets any better. The only thing I had was art, now that's gone. What do I do now? I cant go to the doctor They will see the flaws and that will but me a few steps back. The idea really scares me. I cant go to the doctor just because I have self esteem problems, I don't want to waste their time.