What next.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Redduck, May 16, 2012.

  1. Redduck

    Redduck Member

    I am nearly 20 and I have achieved nothing in life so far.
    I don't think I every could.

    I have a fairly normal family (compared to most people) but yet I am still a dropout and a crew up.
    A part of me thinks there is a chance I do have BDD but my flaws and faults are very real to me.
    I feel pathetic for even thinking there's a small chance I have BDD.

    I feel like a idiot for being the way I am, anyone else could just get on with it.
    I have one friend in the whole world, no education, no job and I cant leave the house.
    And all because I think I am hideous.

    Yes I've thought about ending it but I don't think I ever could.
    I love life, I just cant seem to love myself.
    I think I may change my name and move away from this area I live.
    I hate my name, it reminds me of myself.

    My mothers has been in hospital for a while, she tried to take her own life.
    I cant deal with that anymore.

    I cant live around these people who tell me my life is no good and I am lazy and selfish and a brat. They maybe my family but it hurts.

    If I didn't think I were hideous I would be working and id have friends and my family would be proud of me and I would be happy but I cant bare to upset people with my looks.

    I am not smart, I am not beautiful, I am not talented.
    I use to think I was good at art, turns out I am not. I draw the same portrait over and over again but it never gets any better.
    The only thing I had was art, now that's gone.

    What do I do now?
    I cant go to the doctor
    They will see the flaws and that will but me a few steps back.
    The idea really scares me.
    I cant go to the doctor just because I have self esteem problems, I don't want to waste their time.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 16, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have more the just self esteem problems hun and your doctor will see that and will help you by setting you up with councilling with meds perhaps but it will get you out of the place you are in now. You are right to want to live that environment that always puts you down hun Perhaps you could move in with a friend for awhile You deserve help hun get it ok
    call your doctor and talk to him or her.
  3. Redduck

    Redduck Member

    Thank you, Total Eclipse.

    I have a good friend who I am teaching more about these problems so he can understand me a bit better. We've both been talking for a while about me moving in and seeing how it goes.

    I feel trapped here.
    Like I mentioned in my post, my mother tried to take her own life. She has a personality disorder (I was told it was scitzophinia but its not anymore) and I worry about what my family will think of me.

    People treat me as being lazy and a crew up.
    But It is difficult and I am my mothers company and nothing more.
    Because of her problems she acts quite selfish (not her fault)

    thank you for replying.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your right hun you mom has an illness and it is too hard for you to be there You need to look after YOU now I hope you can get the supports in place to help you move forward hugs